


Remember Me In Moments

by Grumblinggay



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Eventual Smut, F/F, I swear, No Character Death, there is fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2016-01-26
Packaged: 2018-04-12 01:21:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 63,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4459787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grumblinggay/pseuds/Grumblinggay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a bad car accident, Laura Hollis wakes up forgetting the last seven years of her life, including her job, her friends, and her wife. While trying to return and adjust to her life before the accident Laura starts to realize nothing is helping her memory come back and she's wondering if it ever will.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Don't Take Me For Granted

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Hello Hello. So a few things. One, this is my first fic I have no beta and I'm gonna upfront tell you this isnt going to be the best written fic ever. Two, no one dies. Thats one promise I can keep. However I can't promise happy fun times all the time. Three, I am a hopeless romantic who loves happy ending please remember this especially once we get into this fic. Four, all sections in italics will be memories of Carmilla's. Five, my chapters will be named after either songs or One Tree Hill episodes cause I'm a nerd like that. Speaking of songs I do have a spotify playlist for this fic. Mostly songs I listen to when I write. They are angsty and sad songs for the most part. So I hope y'all enjoy this. Its just an idea I ran with please don't be too critical. I will probably have to go through and reread a few times to make spelling and grammar errors! 
> 
> You can follow me on tumblr. commanderoftondc.tumblr.com

Life is unexpected to say the very least, yet we find ourselves falling into comfortable patterns doing the same things and expecting the same things day in and day out. We don’t ever expect the life changing moments when they happen. The ones that make the plans you had for Saturday no longer plans, because you can't possibly predict what is going to happen in the next few hours.  Those events in life that throw everything you ever thought of doing out the window. Because one minute you’re living in your comfortable routine, and the next, every thought you ever had about the future is up in the air. These are the moments that remind us not to settle into routines and to not take anything we have in life for granted. Because in the blink of an eye it could all be lost.

 

* * *

 

 

_Six years ago_

 

_Sports were not Carmilla’s thing, even if it was the biggest football game in college football history, she did not take kindly to being dragged in nearly negative degree weather to watch a game she knew nothing about. School spirit is hard to find when it’s too cold to feel your fingers through two layers of gloves that are shoved into the pockets of your parka. She had put on every last piece of winter clothing she could find before braving the frigid December air. Her roommates had somehow convinced her to tag along anyway and she was now immediately regretting it._

_And of course she wasn’t going to get out of it easy either. The game had been a good one with enough time left on the clock for one possession and it was tied 21-21. While everyone was growing silent and fully focused on the field for the third down, Carmilla was staring at the time clock hoping it would just wind down already. She was completely convinced her body was starting to shut down. She was just about ready to call it quits and head home when the entire stadium erupted with cheers as everyone jumped to their feet screaming in celebration. This resulted in Carmilla colliding with the girl next to her and spilling her coffee down the entire front of her parka._

_She was cold, frustrated, and now dripping with the only thing that was keeping her remotely warm._

_“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING-“ Carmilla stopped in the middle of her sentence as she turned to meet the eyes of the girl who had caused her coffee to spill. The girl, who was now standing in front of her, was wearing what looked like the oldest jersey she had ever seen. Tattered with holes and faded so much you could barely make out the number, it was pulled over the girl’s parka and she was wearing a toque and matching gloves that had the university’s logo on them. Her hazel eyes meeting Carmilla’s as she began to apologize._

_“Oh my god I am so sorry I just got too excited and wasn’t paying attention. I am so so sorry I should have been paying more attention”_

_Carmilla’s demeanor changed, she was rendered almost completely speechless._

_“It’s okay no biggie. Honestly it gives me the excuse I was looking for to get out of here” she tried to say loud enough to be heard over the roaring crowd._

_“Not a big football fan I take it?”_

_“Not a big fan of sports in general, but I didn’t want to take the chance of being expelled for being the only student not attending the biggest game of the year. “I’m Carmilla by the way” she yelled over the crowd once more._

_“I’m Laura” she smiled coyly extending her hand out for Carmilla to shake. “You should really let me pay you back for that, I feel terrible.”_

_“It’s okay really, it’s just a cup of coffee and I’m sure with the right stain remover it’ll come out of my coat.” Carmilla realized her friends were getting ready to leave as a good part of the crowd had now filed out of the stadium. “It was nice to meet you Laura.” She paused, gesturing down to her parka, “Despite the circumstances.” She gave Laura a reassuring smile proving that she was being genuine. Laura had expressed that she felt the same and they had both started to move amongst the crowd with their friends when Carmilla stopped and turned back to look for the girl. When she spotted her she shouted her name, hoping it was loud enough for Laura to hear._

_Laura turned her head scanning the rest of the crowd for the person who had called out her name when she spotted Carmilla walking right at her. “How’s three o’clock tomorrow at the coffee shop in the student union?” Carmilla inquired. Laura smiled._

_“Sounds perfect”_

_“See you then”_

 

* * *

 

 

Carmilla sat in the emergency department waiting room listening to the background noises of the hospital. The TV on the wall playing some home improvement show on TLC, nurses chatting behind the desk, people snoring, and some kid playing a game on his parents phone. It was easier to lose herself in the surrounding sounds than to let her mind take over. No more than a few hours ago she was sitting in her studio thinking of what to make for dinner and how the weather would be tomorrow.

 

 She hadn’t heard her phone the first time it rang but managed to catch the second call just before it went to voicemail again. She didn’t remember hanging up, or getting in her car or driving to the hospital for that matter. She didn’t even remember calling Laura’s dad until he had showed up at the hospital…But here she was waiting, not sure if she would be relieved or devastated when the doctors came out of those two doors.

 

Sometime between the ten o’clock news and the twelve am infomercials Carmilla had fallen asleep across the chairs. She was woken by Laura’s dad standing up as one of the doctors emerged from the double doors. Carmilla grabbed her father in-law's arm for comfort. The doctor explained to them that Laura had been in a bad accident breaking three of her ribs, fracturing her arm and that she had suffered a head injury that caused some swelling to her brain. The driver wasn’t paying attention to the road and hadn’t seen the light change, going through the intersection t-boning Laura’s car. They wanted to keep her under until the swelling had gone down but explained that she was going to be okay. Not being able to hold it together any longer Carmilla collapsed into her father in-laws arms crying.

 

* * *

 

 

It had been a whole week since the accident and Carmilla hadn’t left the hospital once. Laura’s dad had done a run to their apartment to bring her clothes and brought food back from the cafeteria for her when she was hungry. He got a room across the street from the hospital but she insisted on staying by Laura’s side until she woke up. The nurses brought in a reclining chair for her to sleep on after two days of her attempting to sleep sitting up and at one point sleeping on the floor.

 

Just after lunch Laura’s doctor had come in with the results of her most recent test, letting them both know that it was safe for Laura to be taken off the medication that kept her under. He explained that it could take a few hours or even a few days for Laura to wake up. Carmilla had finally allowed herself to feel some relief. More than anything she was ready to take Laura home and be able to care for her without machines, and nurses, and crappy hospital cafeteria food.

 

“Hey Ben.” Carmilla spoke in a soft voice trying to get Laura’s fathers attention.

 

“Would you mind if I ran across the street and took a shower? I don’t want to smell like a cave woman when she wakes up”

 

“It’s about damn time kid! You’re starting to stink up the whole place” He replied humorously getting her to smile for the first time in over a week. “I heard them complaining of your smell down in the first floor lobby this morning!” he yelled as she walked out of the room shaking her head.

 

Ben Hollis loved Carmilla like she was his own daughter. When she first met him she knew exactly why Laura was the way she was. They were both kind-hearted individuals who loved football probably more than was deemed healthy and were the types of people no one would speak a bad word about. By the time she had gotten around to asking her permission for Laura’s hand his only response was “it’s about time!” followed by a hug. It was impossible not to love them both and they seemed to feel the same way about Carmilla. Despite living an hour outside of the city he made sure he was a regular part of both of their lives, often coming into the city for dinner or to go catch a game. He opened up his own law firm after Laura was born and now nearly thirty years later was one the biggest partners in the tri-state area. He somehow still seemed to remain the most humble person she knew besides Laura. She had begun to learn it was just how the Hollis family was.

 

Early the next morning Carmilla was asleep in the bedside chair with her head rested on Laura’s leg. Ben was watching the news and drinking his coffee. They both were patiently waiting for Laura to wake up. When she finally began to stir Ben called the doctor into the room as they all waited for her to fully regain consciousness.

 

Her Hazel eyes slowly opened looking at the girl sitting next to her bed.  Carmilla offered a soft hey before Laura looked around the room trying to take in what was going on.

 

“Hey Laura, you’re in the hospital. You were in a bad accident and you’ve been asleep for about a week. How are you feeling?” the doctor asked.

 

“Sore” she croaked out.

 

“We’ll get you some medicine for that here shortly. We’ve got some test we’ve got to run with you when you’re feeling up for it ok?” the doctor added. Laura nodded still trying to take in everything. She studied the doctor for a moment and turned to look to her dad before finally turning back to the girl at her bedside. Carmilla smiled at Laura as she looked into her hazel eyes for the first time in a week. She felt so grateful to have them looking back at her.

 

“Hey, you” Carmilla spoke softly

 

“Hi” Laura reciprocated hesitantly

 

Carmilla could tell something was off.

 

 “What’s wrong?”

 

“Umm. I uhh… it’s just- I’m so sorry” Laura struggled to find the words she needed

“It’s just, I don’t know who you are.”

 

* * *

 

Carmilla pulled her hand from Laura’s, looked up to Ben and the doctor as she felt her whole world start to spin. If she wasn’t sitting she was sure she would have fainted from how light headed she had begun to feel. Before she could figure out how to respond she felt her feet beneath her taking her out of the room.

 

.

 

She was sitting outside in the courtyard when Laura’s doctor had found her. He sat next to her and asked if she was okay. She just shook her head and continued to look at the ground unsure of how to understand this. How does someone you spent the last 6 years of your life with just forget you? The doctor explained to her that memory loss was a common occurrence with head injuries such as the one Laura had sustained, but that more often than not that it was temporary and that she was very likely to recover her memory. He told her that a vital part of that would be for her to continue her regular routine after she leaves the hospital. That meant assimilating Laura back into their daily lives with each other.

She wandered around the hospital for some time before returning back to Laura’s room. She looked around the room for Ben, but Laura informed her that he had gone back to his hotel to get some sleep and would be back with dinner in a few hours.

 

“Hi”

 

“Hey”

 

“I’m sorry I ran out liked that, I just didn’t know how to handle it and I realize that was absolutely the wrong way. Not an easy thing to learn for anyone in this situation.”

 

“It’s okay. It startled me a little but Dad sat and explained to me who you were, and I understand now why you ran. I probably would have too and I am so sorry.” Laura apologized as tears started to form in her eyes.

 

“Oh sweetheart, please do not apologize” Carmilla walked to the side of her bed and sat down. “You have absolutely nothing to apologize for, none of this is your fault please don’t cry it’s going to be okay.” Laura just nodded at her as she wiped her tears away.

 

“Can you help me with something?” Laura asked

 

“Of course anything”

 

“Can you tell me who I am?”

 


	2. When It Isn't Like It Should Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this felt a lot like a filler chapter. I know it's like way too early for that but it was more of a chapter to get from point a to point b in the story. I am so sorry but this will also probably the "fluffiest" this story will be for a long while. I wasnt too happy with how it turned out but i needeed to just wrap it up.im hoping when I have more time to sit down the quality of the chapters will be better as well as longer. I am trying to update at least once a week but sometimes I just don't have it in me to sit down and write. Once again i apologize for typos and grammar mistakes ahead of time I dont have a beta and I dont always catch things when I do the reread. anyway I hope you guys enjoy it. The link for my spotify playlist is below as well as my tumblr!
> 
> PLEASE COMMENT! I love to hear feedback as long as it's not mean! 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/tamerasaul/playlist/3zqoZa0zAAEZ1bGHfN4zhv
> 
> commanderoftondc.tumblr.com

Carmilla sat at the dining room table eating breakfast and drinking her coffee alone looking out the window across the river at the city’s skyline in the light of the sunrise. Still in her pajamas and hair in a bun, she wore her sleepless night on her face. Tired eyes and darkened skin below them. It had been three weeks since the accident and two weeks since Laura woke up with no memory of the last seven years. After a few days she had started sleeping at home since Laura insisted she would be okay and Carmilla should be sleeping in a real bed. Her afternoons were still spent at the hospital trying her best to answer all of Laura’s questions without overwhelming her. Questions about their life together, school, her job, and every small detail in between. After passing all the tests the doctors had given her and multiple evaluations they informed her that she seemed to be healing quickly. The cast would have to stay on her arm for 3 to 5 more weeks and see a neurologist weekly. Since she hadn’t showed any signs of recovering her memory yet the doctors explained that her best chance at doing so would be returning to her normal daily life. Ben had agreed, as well as a hesitant Laura, that when she was discharged she would be going home with Carmilla. Today was that day.

 

The night before she had spent hours tossing and turning before deciding to get up and start label everything in the house with post-it notes.  She had started in their bathroom making her way through their room, the two other rooms in the house, the living room, and finishing in the kitchen as the sun had started to rise. She figured it would be easier on both of them when Carmilla was away from the apartment. Having second guessed herself if it was maybe just a little too much multiple times she made sure she didn’t miss anything important. A very big part of her was so happy her wife was finally coming home, another part of her was nervous about how Laura would react. She wasn’t going to remember this as her home right away and she had no idea how either of them was going to adjust to that. Boundaries were going to be an obvious addition for the both of them. You don’t exactly wake up with amnesia and go back to playing house with someone you know now as a stranger.

* * *

 

 

Laura was filling out some discharge paper work with a nurse when Carmilla had finally arrived at the hospital. When she walked into the room the look on Laura’s face didn’t exactly say ‘excited to be getting out of here’. “Don’t look so happy to see me, sweetheart,” she said dryly. “I’m sorry I’m just a little nervous about getting back to whatever life it is I had before all of this. It hadn’t seemed so scary when the only thing I’ve been required to do is lay all day or on a tables for tests and watch reruns of Seinfeld. Now I have to go and live this life I know nothing about and honestly that’s pretty damn scary. What if I can’t do this, what if I go back out into the world and my memory never comes back? How does someone just pick up where they left off when they don’t even know where it is they left off at” Laura explained exasperated and holding back tears. “ I don’t know how hard this is going to be for you Laura, I have no idea how to handle this either. I don’t have answers and I can’t tell you how to cope with this but no matter what happens you’re not going to have to figure it out alone.  You have me and your dad and lots of friends and an amazing doctor. I can’t promise you this isn’t going to be scary, but I can promise you won’t be alone. I know that you’re probably looking at this as going home with some strange woman, to a house you don’t know, and a life you can’t remember. But I can promise you that it will be okay. Yes. Probably beyond nerve wracking at first, I would only imagine so, but I’m here every step of the way. For better or for worse.” Carmilla reached out to her and Laura embraced her for a hug letting out a small okay. It was still awkward trying to let Carmilla in and it was going to continue to be awkward but her options were limited. At the very least she had started to see her as a friend. Over the past two weeks she was there everyday at the hospital doing her best to answer her questions and listen to everything the doctors had to say. She wanted to do everything she could to help recover her memory and it was very clear that Carmilla was her best shot at remembering what happened over the last seven years.

 

 “Let’s get you out of this hospital, yeah?” Carmilla offered with a sympathetic smile.

 

“Yeah”

 

They pulled into a parking spot in front a building that looked to be about five stories tall and was made of red brick with steps leading up to the front of the building. It didn’t at all look familiar to Laura but she didn’t really expect it to either. Carmilla turned the car off and grabbed the bag from the back seat before making her way over to Laura’s door to help her out. Not unlike the entire car ride home, they entered the building in silence and rode the elevator to the fourth floor. There were only four apartments on each floor except for the fifth floor, which was made up of storage rooms.

 

They exited the elevator and walked to the very end of the hall as Carmilla stepped in front of her to unlock the door and let them in. Right away it didn’t seem like a lot to take in but the more she scanned the room the more overwhelmed she became. She definitely didn’t remember this place at all. There was a small foyer like area as soon as they walked through the door. To their right was the kitchen, directly in front of them was the living room and dining room, and to their left was a hallway. After a moment she realized that Carmilla had been trying to say something to her but she was caught up in her own thoughts.

 

“Laura are you okay?”

 

“Oh yeah I’m sorry just trying to take it all in, it’s a beautiful place. Umm.. You labeled everything? For me?” she asked with both a questioning but also thankful tone as she noticed all the post-it notes on everything.

 

“I hope it isn’t too much I just thought it would make everything easier with trying to settle back in and what not especially when I’m not here…”

 

“No no. It’s not too much thank you I really appreciate it. It will definitely be of some help”

 

Carmilla just nodded her head in acknowledgement and started to explain to Laura where everything was. The master bedroom was at the very end of the hall. She explained that Laura could take it for herself and she would stay in the guest bedroom. After they had made their round through the apartment Carmilla started on dinner and left her wife to herself in the bedroom. She knew that she would have to give her space and respect whatever boundaries were going to be set. Hopefully it wouldn’t be like this long, she hoped that time would bring back Laura’s memory. For both of their sake.

 

They ate dinner together making small talk that was nothing short of awkward and consisted mostly of Laura saying how delicious the food was and Carmilla explaining how she cooked it. In hindsight Carmilla wasn’t sure why she felt the need to explain to Laura step by step how she made spaghetti. This had become a lot more awkward than she anticipated. She took care of the dishes and while her wife has decided to turn in early for the night. She was almost a little thankful, unsure if their next conversation was going to be a step by step of how to wash the dishes or maybe a how to on laundry. Feeling embarrassed and defeated she retreated to the guest bedroom and fell asleep as her head hit the pillow.

 

 Down the hall Laura wasn’t remotely tired, and figured it was due to nerves. She studied the room a number of times, looking at all the pictures on the wall of her and this woman who she learned was her wife. It frustrated her to not remember any of these memories framed in front of her. A feeling of heartbreak crept up on her the more she thought about it. How must Carmilla feel? There was no memory of the love she had shared with her but for Carmilla every memory and feeling was still there, and now she had no recollection of any of that. Out of all the photographs she had looked at there was one that stood out to her the most. Not because she felt as though it was a memory, but because just looking at it she could see all the love and happiness between these two people who were now both strangers to her. Sleep never came to Laura and she lay in bed hoping that this heavy feeling would soon be gone.

 

* * *

 

 

Carmilla returned to work at her gallery the following morning. She was unsure of leaving Laura alone all day but figured if she needed anything she would call. Their conversation this morning was awkward to say the very least and she wasn’t sure if she should check up on her or just let her be alone. They hadn’t exchanged more than a few words about her going to work and letting her know if she needed anything to just call.

 

Laura wasn’t being closed off to push Carmilla away. She just hated seeing Carmilla putting off her own day-to-day life to make sure Laura was okay. She knew she was just trying to take care of her but she had no plans on leaving the apartment and she honestly needed some time to herself. A few hours apart weren’t going to hurt either of them and she honestly really needed it. She hadn’t had much time at all to herself since waking up in the hospital.

* * *

 

 

 

Carmilla walked through the door around seven that Friday night not sure what to expect when she got home but she was starting to think it couldn’t possibly be more awkward than the past week had been. They had been kind of living around each other. Neither of them was sure how to interact with the other since leaving the hospital Monday afternoon. Laura had asked her what it was she usually did on a daily basis. She explained that aside from working she liked to go for runs down to the pier and back along the river line and occasionally did yoga in the park. They spent most of their nights catching up with one another and watching TV together.

 

When she walked in the first thing she saw was Laura sitting on the couch watching something on TV.

 

“Oh my god I am so glad you’re home I have needed to talk to someone all day about this”

 

“Are you okay? Did something happen?” Carmilla responded to her with panic in her voice

 

“ Yes, the last three Harry Potter movies!!”

 

Carmilla felt relief and then burst into uncontrollable laughter confusing Laura.

 

“What is so funny” she asked waiting for the woman in front of her to finally stop laughing.

 

“ I’m so sorry, it’s just I was panicking that something bad happened and then you bring up Harry Potter. And I just realized that these thoughts I’ve been having about how awkward everything has been this week and I was thinking maybe you wouldn't be the same old ecstatic Laura. I know this hasn’t been easy but you just seemed so down every time we talk. But then theres today, where you spent the whole day watching Harry Potter and the first thing you want to do when I walk through the door is talk about it. You’re still same old you and I’ve been so worried that maybe you lost that. Despite everything I really just wanted to make sure you hadn't lost you youness. Spunk and all. That probably all sounded so weird I’m sorry” Laura met her with an unreadable expression before giving Carmilla a small smile. “So can I tell you about it or?”

 

Carmilla chuckled at her and sat down on the couch to gladly listen to Laura’s rant about the movies verses the books. An argument she had heard every single time they sat down to watch one of the films, but she wasn’t going to pass up getting to hear it again. If her days were always like this she was going to start thinking maybe it was all going to be okay.

 

 

They ordered take out for dinner and discussed how their days had went. It was a major improvement from how their week had been going. Laura had called the university she was teaching at and they had been beyond understanding about her situation and were happy to cover her classes until she felt comfortable coming back. They offered to let her sit in on some classes and work with a few TAs while trying to get back on track so she could teach again. It definitely wouldn’t be anytime soon but she was glad to have the opportunity when she was finally ready. Carmilla’s day at the gallery was filled with going through submissions and catching up on paperwork. The fabulous life of an artist wasn’t all easels and paintbrushes. She felt like lately she was more of a paper pusher than a painter.

 

“Do you have your own work displayed at your gallery?”

Laura asked

 

“ I have a few older pieces yeah, haven’t painted anything new in a long time”

 

“Why not?”

 

“ Just too busy with trying to manage everything else in life. Other things just took priority I guess” Carmilla said a bit defeated.

 

“Well could I see some of your stuff? I mean your old stuff that’s at the gallery?”

The question had caught Carmilla a bit by surprise. She had been so sure that Laura would want distance and that things like this wouldn’t happen this soon if at all. Eating dinner discussing each other days, Laura asking to see her paintings, it all felt just too good to be true. She was a stranger to Laura. A new friend at best and as much as she told herself that she should be careful she yearned to connect with her wife. She didn’t want to keep having awkward dinners and sleeping in separate beds and to live walking on eggshells around each other. “ Yeah, you can come down to the gallery whenever you want. I have some stuff up in my studio too if you ever wanted to go up there while I’m working. It’s on the fifth floor. Most of the rooms up there are storage but we decided that we could use our space as my studio.”

 

“Okay, yeah I think I’d really like that” Laura said with a yawn. The lack of sleep from the night before was starting to really get to her. They said their goodnights and Laura went off to their bedroom to get ready for bed while Carmilla stayed on the couch looking for something to watch to distract her from the rollercoaster of a day she had. Their first week together after the accident was bumpy but it ended well and certainly that must be a good thing she thought. It couldn’t get any worse than it was so they just had to work their way up. That was the mentality she was going to stick with while they worked on trying to help Laura’s memory.

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

A few weeks had passed and they had been living more like roommates than a married couple. Carmilla would go to work and Laura spent her days reading about some of the major events of the past seven years along side rewatching movies that had come out. They had dinner together at night, talked about each other’s days and then went to bed in their separate rooms. Laura’s memory hadn’t shown any signs of improvement and at her last appointment the doctors had taken off her cast and recommended therapy to maybe help with the memory loss.

 

Carmilla came home early from work one day to find Laura wasn’t there. She didn’t want to worry or panic knowing that she had probably just went out to run an errand but she sent her a quick text any way. A moment later Laura had walked through the door with two bags full of produce from the farmers market.

 

“Hey I just sent you a text to see where you had run off too”

 

“Oh yeah I saw these flyers for the farmers market down in the park for today so I went for a run and decided to stop by and get some stuff”

 

“I can see that. Are you planning on feeding a small army?” Carmilla said humorously

 

“No, I just figured I could use some of the produce for salads or smoothies. I know it’s a lot but it was just too good of a steal to pass up. Oh and I met this really nice lady while I was at the café too. We sat and talked for almost an hour. She just recently moved to the city to work at a law firm and it just happened to be a partner of Dad’s so we just got carried away in conversation.”

 

“That’s good to hear you’re going out and socializing. I was starting to think you might turn into a hermit”

 

“ Ha- ha.” Laura replied sarcastically. “Don’t worry about me for dinner tonight she invited me out and I accepted. It’d be nice to make a new friend”

 

“Oh, okay. Yeah that’d be good” Carmilla said not looking up with an off tone in her voice causing Laura to stare at her.

 

“What? What is it?

 

“It’s just, it kind of sounds like a date”

 

“What?! No of course it’s not. Don’t be silly Carmilla. We had some coffee and talked and she just wants to get to know some people. She’s new to the city and honestly its kind of like I am too considering everything ya know. It’s not a date. Just trying to make friends”

 

“Okay, it’s not a date got it” Carmilla said as she walked away feeling a pang of jealousy rise in her chest. It wasn’t a date and Laura did need other people to reach out to. It wasn’t a date. Right?

 

 


	3. Weeks Go by Like Days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy. SOO MUCH TO SAY! Ok first I am so sorry it's taken so long to update I have so much going on and im use to writing on a regular basis but not publishing anything so I write a little an forget for like a week. Ok so this is fluff. I lied yall get some more fluff before we really dive into where I wanna go with this story. I have no idea where this chapter came from its not in my outline I just kinda wrote it. I also have a beta now but she liked 5 hours ahead of me so typically this wont get edited until the next day. Sorry for the grammar errors or anything that doesnt makes sense ahead of time. Please LEAVE FEED BACK. It fuels my motivation to write. Let me know if you're enjoying it or if you think its crap idk haha. Also please check out the three links below. One is my tumblr link, one is the playlist i have made for this fic. I add new songs all the time. The chapter title this time is another one tree hill episode name. if you havent watched one tree hill go and do it!!! The last link is something I really need yalls help with so please check them all out. Thank you!!  
> -tam 
> 
> commanderoftondc.tumblr.com
> 
>  
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/tamerasaul/playlist/3zqoZa0zAAEZ1bGHfN4zhv

Things had gotten pretty tense between Carmilla and Laura after their confrontation about Laura’s new friend, as if it wasn’t already weird around the apartment. As the month had passed everything sorted its self out and things had gotten as back to normal as they could really get. One night Laura came home after going out with some of her friend and told Carmilla about the new guy her friend was dating which eased her jealousy. Not that she would ever admit that she felt jealous about all the time Laura was spending with these new friends she was making. She really couldn’t blame her though; it must have been so much easier to hang out with people who weren’t a constant reminder that there were so many memories between them you had no recollection of.

 

The summer was starting to reach its end, which meant that the gallery would be bustling with new interns and lots of submissions. Both of whcih would consume all of Carmilla’s time. She hadn’t been spending a lot of time working, with everything that had happened and it was starting to really catch up to her. She had more deadlines for submissions and loads of interviews to do for all the intern applications she had. She was starting to think she might need to bring a partner on to help juggle it all. Laura on the other hand was going to start sitting in on a few classes and working with the psychology department TAs to help get her back on track to teach again. She had been going through her own course materials trying her best to remember something out of it all. Although she wasn’t having much luck she was hopeful that things would start getting better concerning her memory. She really just wanted everything to start feeling normal again.

 

Living in an apartment with Carmilla hadn’t been easy for either of them but Laura didn’t know how to make it any better. They were living like awkward roommates. They had dinner together and talked about each other’s days on a regular basis but everything else was weird. Since all of Carmilla’s stuff was in _their_ room getting ready in the morning had resulted in them walking in on each other dressing multiple times, Laura accidentally using the wrong tooth brush once, as well as her not knowing whose clothes are whose. An incident she noticed Carmilla didn’t actually mind happening.  

* * *

 

One night Carmilla came home looking exhausted which automatically triggered Laura to order a pizza knowing they’d both be grateful no one had to cook. Carmilla plopped down on the other side of the couch with a loud groan as Laura finished ordering on her laptop preparing to hear her debrief on her day.

 

“ Don’t worry about dinner I ordered a pepperoni with extra cheese that will be en route in less than 30 minutes.” Laura said

 

“You are a godsend Mrs. Hollis, you really are” Carmilla replied sitting up and scooting closer to Laura. “Today was by far the most hectic day I have had at work, ever”

 

Laura set her laptop on the coffee table and turning to give the woman next to her all of her attention.

 

“I got all of my intern interviews done pretty early which I thought was a good sign that the day was going to go by nice at quickly but then my 10 o’clock meeting called to push back until 12 but I promised the museum I would be by to finish some paper work for them. So between 12 and 6:30 I had 4 meetings and submitted 10 pieces to be put up for auction before their deadline and finished my paper work for the museum. I just want to wake a 12 hour nap and eat some pizza.” Carmilla ranted on for a while longer about the details of her meetings all while Laura just sat and listened. Laura had come to assume that this is what they had always done. Came home from their long days apart and ate dinner, watched TV, and told each other about their days and all of the things going on at work or school. She thought it was nice. To have someone there everyday who wanted to know every detail about what’s going on in your life. She had no reservations against being that for Carmilla either. Even if to her it was like living with a new friend and no so much like a regular evening with your spouse.

 

“Hey I actually have something I wanted to talk to you about” Carmilla said after they had nearly devoured an entire large pizza between the two of them in less than twenty minutes.

 

“What’s up?”

 

“It’s not anything bad just something I’ve been meaning to bring up for awhile. My brother has a son, he’s three almost four years old and he use to come and stay with us like once a month. Well since the accident I just figured it wasn’t a good idea. Not at least until I had talked to you about it. He knows about the accident but we haven’t really mentioned the amnesia thing to him. He is very intelligent kid and would understand but we aren’t sure how he would take it emotionally. Knowing that you don’t have any memory of who he is” Carmilla stated the last bit a little hesitantly since she wasn’t really sure how Laura was going to react to this conversation to begin with. But she was looking at her at nodding as she talked so she took that as a sign to continue.

 

“Well he has been asking a lot about coming over and he’s been wanting to see you so I had an idea that might work for everyone.” She said once again with a little hesitancy.

 

“I’m listening”

 

“ So maybe instead of telling him that you don’t remember him I thought maybe if you were okay with him coming over, that we could explain that you lost a part of your memory and that maybe he could help you remember how our sleep overs go by reminding you” Carmilla said with air quotes around the remind me part getting a chuckle or of Laura which eased her nerves a little. “Of all the things we do. He is a ridiculously smart kid and he will absolutely blow you away with how quickly he adapts and learns things. And it will also probably help that you are his favorite Aunt and that I do resent it a little” Carmilla finished receiving a smug grin from Laura.

 

“That doesn’t sound bad at all and I would totally love to have him over. But Carmilla I do want you to understand something” Laura said her demeanor changing causing the nerves to flood Carmilla’s stomach again. “I know that you want to make sure that everything you do, or we do I guess, makes me feel comfortable or is okay with me but I’m not fragile. I can handle a lot more than you think. I lost a part of my memory not my whole life. And I know it’s going to come back eventually. “ Laura said hoping Carmilla would start to understand she doesn’t have to walk on egg shells around her anymore. She just wants things to be as normal as possible. Despite the circumstance they’re dealing with.

 

“Besides I can’t deprive a child of their favorite Aunt no matter the circumstance, right?” Laura said with once again a very smug look on her face. The whole conversation had gone a lot better than Carmilla had thought it would and she was excited to be able to share.

 

They cleaned up their pizza mess from the coffee table and each settled in on separate parts of the couch to watch a movie. Carmilla was glad the only light was the one coming from the TV. She couldn’t help but steal a few glances at Laura thinking about the conversation they had. It has been so hard living under the same roof as your wife that doesn’t remember you as anything more than a friend who she met after waking up from a bad car accident. She saw this as an improvement though, maybe not an improvement in Laura’s memory, but definitely an improvement in their current relationship. She just hoped everything would go smoothly, both with her nephew, and with them. 

 

 

After further discussing having their nephew over they decided the following Friday worked best for everyone. Will was going to drop him off at the gallery while Carmilla was working and she would bring him home for the night. Laura was sitting in on classes all day but to her surprise was looking forward to their little sleep over with the nephew she didn’t know she had. It was all both exciting and weird but that’s kind of how everything had gone for her since the accident.

* * *

 

 

Will’s sons name was Andrew but being the charismatic three year old he was he preferred Drew. He was absolutely he smartest kid Carmilla had ever met and probably the funniest as well. It was really why him and Laura got along so well. They were two peas in a pod and she had missed getting to watch them interact.

 

Carmilla had spent her last hour of work with Drew sitting next to her in her office reading to himself quietly. Well as quietly as an almost four year old could. He had stopped to tell her about what was happening after every other page he turned. She could probably tell you the entire plot to captain underpants by the time they had walked through the door that night. When they got home Laura was on the phone ordering dinner for the three of them, but that didn’t stop Drew from nearly knocking her to the ground when he saw her.

 

They sat him down and discussed everything with him concerning Laura’s memory, just as Carmilla has thought he understood everything perfectly and even told his Aunt Laura he would help her remember anything she needed. After dinner Carmilla went off to clean the kitchen watching Laura and Drew played a game of banana grams at the dining table.

 

“I’m getting beat at banana grams by a three year old!” Laura exasperated.

 

“I am almost four, Aunt Laura” Drew corrected her while placing his last letter on the table ending the game leaving Laura with a q and a z.

 

“I can’t believe I just lost a word game to a four old,” she said emphasizing the word four.

 

Carmilla stood in the kitchen laughing hysterically at how smug her nephew looked and just how defeated and slightly appalled Laura looked.

 

“I told you he was smart”

 

“Yes but he’s four and I have my Ph.D., Carmilla I mean I should have at least been able to muster up something with my q and z” Laura said trying to defend herself. Drew offered a rematch or to play another game. Since Carmilla wanted in on the gaming action they decided on Uno. Which Carmilla ended up winning by a landslide considering she was up against a four year old and kept placing draw four cards down for Laura leaving her pretty angry.

 

“Aunt Laura can you read me a story tonight” Drew asked rubbing his eyes as the clocked neared ten. Between multiple board games and an hour long game of hide and seek he was fighting sleep pretty hard.

 

“Sure bud, why don’t you go put your PJs on and brush your teeth I’ll be in there in a minute to tuck you in” Laura said to him trying to get him to get into bed before one of them would have to carry him.

 

“Thank you” Carmilla said to Laura as they both began to pick up the living room from their mess of games.

 

“For what?” Laura asked.

 

“For being so good with him. I mean you always have been but I just imagined that tonight might be weird for you or that you two wouldn’t connect like you had before but just watching you two joke with each other and how well you listen to him. He’s not like most kids he needs someone older to interact with him on his level and you do it with such ease. It’s something that both of his parents and I have never really been able to do and just thank you a lot”

 

“Carm I want more than anything to remember the last seven years and I’m working as hard as I can to improve my memory. You guys are the best shot I have at that and yes sometimes things feel weird but despite not remembering any of this stuff it still feels familiar. Hanging out with him didn’t feel new it just felt like a dream that I’ve had before but I can’t remember the details. That probably sounds crazy but what I am trying to say is, I really enjoyed myself tonight.” Laura said.

 

Carmilla smiled at her and before she could respond a very sleepy Drew was standing in the hallway half asleep waiting for Laura to put him to bed.  While Laura was reading to Drew Carmilla made sure the rest of the house was cleaned up and was grabbing a blanket from the hall closet when Laura emerged from the guest bedroom.

 

“What are you doing?” Laura asked her.

 

“Grabbing some blankets to sleep on the couch”

 

“Carm you don’t have to sleep on the couch. Technically that is your bed in there too and I’ve just been taking it over every night be default I guess.  You can sleep in there I can take the couch for a night”

 

There it was again Carmilla thought before Laura had even finished her sentence. The nickname. Since the accident Laura hadn’t referred to her as anything but Carmilla but twice tonight she had said Carm. Moving on with her thought process she remembers Laura talking about them not walking on eggshells around each other.

 

“Why don’t we both sleep in the bed” Carmilla’s words were out of her mouth before she could even think about them and she immediately regretted them seeing the surprised look on Laura’s face.

 

“I mean- I-…. That kind of just came out I’m sorry” Carmilla stuttered trying to take it back.

 

“Okay” Laura said trying to process it.

 

“Okay? Are you sure I mean-“

 

“Carmilla it’s okay. It’s a really big bed and there is no reason we both can’t sleep in it. A small village could probably sleep in that bed. And like I said, it’s your bed too remember”

 

“Yeah” Carmilla said under breath but loud enough so that it was heard.

* * *

 

 

They got ready for bed and climbed into it on separate sides with most of the bed between them.  Carmilla was turned towards Laura but her back was to her. The position wasn’t abnormal is was the room for 5 more people between them that was weird. Usually they would lay together in the middle of the bed with Carmilla wrapped around Laura. But they hadn’t slept like that in months. She was starting to feel like she should just be happy that they were even in the same bed.

 

It wasn’t long before Laura was softly snoring. Carmilla laid there staring at the ceiling thinking about what her life had turned into. Here she was laying in bed with her wife of four years, sleeping together like friends sharing a bed at a sleep over. Tonight had felt almost too good to be true. It was so easy, so normal. She had really expected things to go one way or another. Either Laura was going to want to have nothing to do with her and leave, or her memory was going to come back and this was just going to be a trial in their marriage that they had to overcome. This scary things about the situation is that even two months after the accident both scenarios could still happen. She scooted closer to a sleeping Laura hoping; just hoping that it was going to be the latter as she slowly fell asleep.

 

Around four in the morning Carmilla woke up with a weight on the left side of her body, opening her eyes to realize she was tangled with Laura. She took a deep breath trying to decide if she should untangle herself and scoot away so it wasn’t awkward when they both woke or take the chance of it being awkward and enjoy having her wife asleep on her chest. She immediately decided the latter was worth an awkward morning and closed her eyes hoping to fall back asleep quickly.

 

It was six am on the dot when both Carmilla and Laura woke from a dip at the end of the mattress. They were still tangled in each other but didn’t say anything as they both scooted apart to make room for the very awake child who was crawling up into their bed.

 

“Kid what are you doing awake at this hour” Carmilla said groggily turning to look at her nephew.

 

“I slept for eight whole hours now its time for breakfast” he said with way too much enthusiasm before sunrise.

 

“It’s not time for breakfast quite yet, actually if I remember correctly its time for someone to pay for waking up his aunts at six in the morning on a Saturday!” Carmilla looked to Laura as they both jumped up to tickle Drew who was lost in a fit of laughter. After a few moments of crying out for them to stop Drew jumped off the bed and darted out of the room before they could start again. Laura got up to brush her teeth while Carmilla laid in the bed for a bit longer. She couldn’t believe how long it had been since she had woken up this happy. She wanted so badly to let herself enjoy it. All of it, their night filled with games, and laughing, sleeping with her wife, waking up to her two favorite people laughing in bed. As great as it all felt something in the pit of her stomach just felt like this sudden turn around was too good to be true.

 

When Laura emerged from the bathroom she told Carmilla she was going to go ahead and make breakfast, and that if she wanted to try to get a bit more sleep. With that Carmilla turned over to get a bit more rest before facing the day.

 

 


	4. You're Gonna Need Someone on Your Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again. Yes this chapter has already been published but I just did my own little reread of the first four chapters and tried to tidy up the spelling and grammar the best I could. Luckily I have got some help with editing future chapters and I will be taking more time myself as well to go back fix stuff before publishing. Please let me know if you guys do catch anything wrong though. This is my first "published" piece of writing, its a learning process and feedback is so greatly appreciated.

_Carmilla woke up with the sun shining through the window in their bedroom coming through the curtains shining just right on the beautiful blonde laying next to her in bed. Their bed, she though. It was the first night in their new apartment, their new bed, and a new city. It was all theirs with no roommates or parents to deal with. Finally just the two of them, something Carmilla had been looking forward to for months. They had spent the last few weeks of college living with Carmilla’s roommates due to Laura’s lease ending before they graduated. Not that she minded but living with five college students under one roof during finals was something she never wanted to experience again. Now it was just them and their own cozy little condo._

_They had both originally wanted to move into the city right after graduation but Carmilla had went to Europe for a few weeks to see her parents while Laura spent half of her summer as a camp counselor. It all worked out perfectly though, they stayed with Carmilla’s brother who had just gotten married and moved to the city himself. Although Laura was going to be starting grad school, Carmilla was still an unemployed art major desperately seeking work. If it wasn’t for a decent trust fund, neither Will nor Carmilla would have been able to afford living in the city._

_“Whatcha thinking about, baby” Laura said pulling Carmilla from her reverie_

_“I didn’t know you were awake” Carmilla said as she pulled Laura in closer, her head resting on her chest._

_“I haven’t been for long. When I woke I saw you were thinking hard so I thought I'd let you be”_

_“Hmm, I was thinking about how this place is all our own, how beautiful my sleeping girlfriend is, and how neither of us have anywhere to be for a week so I think we should just stay in this big comfy bed with each other”_

_Laura moved to straddle her girlfriend’s hips kissing up her neck._

_“ As much as I am sure I would love your dirty little plan to stay here and christen every surface of this place, you promised to deal with the cable guy today and I need to go fill our very empty kitchen with food” she said placing one final kiss to Carmilla’s lips and slid off the bed causing her girlfriend to groan at the loss of contact._

_“Lets go sleepy head I’m sure the cable guy would love to see all your goods but I would rather he not” Laura said as she disappeared into the bathroom._

_Carmilla laid there smiling, watching her beautiful girl saunter out of the room. She couldn’t imagine being more blissfully happy._

 

* * *

 

Carmilla woke again for the second that morning, alone in bed this time, but remembering how she had awoke the first time. She could hear the TV on from her bedroom as she got up and made her way down the hall. She stopped just short of the opening to the living room leaning up against the wall. Laura and Drew were cuddled up on the couch, Drew sitting on Laura’s lap watching TV, and Laura asleep with her head against the couch. She smiled to herself looking at her nephew who was glued to the TV, and her wife asleep with him on her lap.It was a sight that made her heart swell. She couldn’t help but let herself, for the first time in almost three months, feel genuinely happy. This is what she wanted to wake up to everyday. Or something like it.

 

Drew notices his aunt standing there watching and told her that there was a plate of food left in the fridge for her without taking his eyes off the TV again. Carmilla warmed up her breakfast and ate sitting at the bar so that she could watch Drew watching TV, and Laura sleeping with him on her lap. The sound of her phone ringing startled all three of them, waking Laura from her nap.

 

“Hey Will, what’s up”

 

“Hey I’m gonna swing by and pick up Drew a little early. He has to get ready for a birthday party this afternoon”

 

“Yeah no problem I will have him ready to go before you get here”

 

“Thanks Sis, did he behave for you guys?’

 

“Yes, he was an angel as always” Carmilla said looking at Drew giving him a wink.

 

“Did everything with Laura go okay too?”

 

“Yeah of course, it went perfectly.”

 

“I’m really glad to hear that, I guess I will see you guys soon”

 

“See ya soon, bye”

 

 

“Alright little man go get dressed your dad is on his way to pick you up for a birthday party” Carmilla said placing her phone back down on the counter and walking over to the couch.

 

Drew jumped up with all the excitement a three year old could muster up and ran to get himself ready to go.

 

“So your brother is coming over?” Laura said with a hint of anxiety in her voice.

 

“Yeah you don’t have to, uh, meet him I guess, if you don’t feel comfortable”

 

“No, that’s not it. It’s just weird sometimes being around people who have known me for years that I don’t ever remember meeting. I mean does he even like me?”

“Oh my, Laura my whole family adores you. You have nothing to worry about. I’m sure he will say hi and ask how you are and be on his way out. He sounded like they were in a bit of a rush anyway,” Carmilla told her placing her hand on the back of Laura’s head who was still sitting on the couch. Laura looked up and gave her a small smile and got up to go help Drew finish getting ready.

 

After Will had come and gone, Laura and Carmilla and both elected to spend the rest of the morning cleaning the house and doing laundry. As much as Carmilla hated chores she was more than entertained with how many times she walked into a room and found Laura dancing to the music they had playing through the house. It was nice to see her like that. Being carefree and her same old self.  And she couldn't get enough of seeing Laura turn bright red out of embarrassment every time she turned around and saw Carmilla standing there.

* * *

 

Around noon Carmilla had gotten a call from the museum asking if she could come in for a meeting about a new exhibit there were going to be setting up for the fall and winter months. After lunch she told Laura she would probably be home around five or six and to let her know if she wanted her to pick up dinner on her way. As soon as Carmilla was out the door Laura picked up her phone and dialed a recent number in her call history.

 

“Hey so I’m alone for a few hours, are you busy? Okay, yeah. See you soon!” She hung up the phone and headed towards her room to change her clothes.

 

 

Carmilla had spent almost two hours meeting with the directors and other artist about a history of film exhibit the museum wanted to do and have on display from November to March. Normally she would question why they would ask an artist of her sorts to contribute to such an exhibit until one of her colleagues explained they would love for her to help organize it and if she was interested painting a piece for it. She was honored and took the job. She knew that the gallery would be in good hands now with the number of new employees and interns. She could spend more time at home working on a new piece as opposed to spending her days sitting around at her gallery. She was happy that she was able to head home two hours earlier than she had expected.

 

She made her way back hoping that Laura might want to go out somewhere nice for dinner. Things really felt like they were looking up. Carmilla had walked from the subway station to their building with a bit more of a spring in her step than usual. After the night she had and a new project to work on she was feeling like she was on cloud nine. She walked into her apartment she saw Laura laying on the floor of their living room with someone Carmilla didn’t know, stretched out between her legs both women laughing, and obviously not having noticed the third person in the room. Carmilla felt her heart stop and the next thing she knew she was taking the stairs two at a time up to her studio.

* * *

 

“Laura you are far less flexible since your accident”

 

“Yeah well I haven’t really been in the physical condition to do any stretching or yoga for awhile,” Laura laughed as her friend helped her to stretch her legs closer to her chest. They both heard the front door shut and looked up over the couch

 

“Carm?” Laura said aloud looking around but seeing no one.

 

“Looks like we lost track of time. I should head out, but call me when you want to do another session. I think the more you do them the better chances you have at them working. And make sure you’re taking time to meditate daily”

 

“I know I know, I’m trying my hardest. I should probably go and call Carmilla. I have a feeling she walked in and saw us on the floor” Laura said.

 

“Yeah, I’m guess that’s her playing the piano and not your upstairs neighbor?” Laura’s friend said as they could now hear the music coming from the floor above them.

 

“I’m gonna head up there, thanks again and I’ll give you a call later this week about meeting up again”

 

Laura took a moment to breathe after her friend had left and decided to head up to Carmilla’s studio. She slid the door open to the loft like storage area that was used as a studio. She could see the back of Carmilla sitting on the bench playing the small grand piano in the corner of the room. She stood there watching her play. Her hair up in a messy bun with a few strays brushing against her neck. She looked beautiful to Laura though, beautiful and sad. Carmilla had stopped playing and before she could start up again Laura cleared her throat to make her presence known.

 

Carmilla jumped a little turning to see Laura walking towards her but stopping at the worktable in the middle of the room leaning her back against it. She stayed sitting on the bench but turned so that she was facing the room. They sat in silence for a few moments not making eye contact before Laura took a deep breath grabbing her wife’s attention.

 

“I’ve been doing some kind of meditation therapy that’s supposed to help improve memory and also help my chances of remembering” Laura tried to explain. Carmilla’s expression not changing. “ I didn’t tell you and I’m not really sure why I guess I just wasn’t sure how you would feel about it. I know how pro therapy and medicine you were about my memory recovery but I just wanted to try this too. I haven’t stopped my other therapy its just a little less draining doing this. And I've known her since freshman year of undergrad. It's comforting getting help from a familiar face.”

 

“You could have told me Laura, you can tell me anything. I walked in and honestly I didn’t know what to think at first seeing you two, I just came up here without thinking” Carmilla said exasperated looking away from Laura not knowing what else to say.

 

“Carm, I am so sorry I didn’t tell you, but you have to understand that this person you know me to be isn’t the same person I feel like. You have to know I’m trying and I know how much it’s killing you walk around me not crossing any lines. I noticed the almost slips ups of you calling be ‘babe’ or when you start to lean in to kiss me but stop yourself before you think I notice because we aren’t what we were before the accident. It kills me to have to watch you restrain yourself because I can see it in your eyes how much you love me. I see it every thing you do for me, every smile you give me, the boundaries you respect for me. I want so bad to just be who I was before to remember because, god I can’t believe how lucky I must have got to marry someone like you. And I’m seeing that in just the three months I’ve been living with you trying to remember my life. I can’t imagine how I must have felt before. I want so bad to give you the love you have been giving me. I want to remember, not just for me but also for you, and for Drew who stole my heart last night. For everyone in my life who is trying to be so supportive."She sighed "I wish I could remember holding him for the first time and watching him grow up. He's such a sweet kid” Tears had started to fall from Laura’s eyes. “What if I don’t ever remember Carm, what do I do then? I can’t sit here and watch you put your life on hold for me”

 

“Laura listen to me” Carmilla said seriously, standing up and stopping in front of Laura reaching up to wipe her tears away. “Listen to me okay, I am not putting my life on hold for anyone or anything. Laura you are my life, and I am in no way the same person I was before I met you. You muzzled your way right into my heart and since then you have been the only thing in this life that has mattered. And you’ll remember I know it. Maybe you won’t wake up one day and it’ll be like this never happened but I know you. You’ll get there. If it takes months or years you’ll keep working until you improve and I am going to be right here without through every single day of it. That’s what I promised you when I married you and if by some crazy chance you don’t ever recover your memory, then I guess I will just have to make you fall in love with me all over again” Carmilla gave her a smile causing her let out a breathy laugh and nod her head. "I love you, you don't have to say it back or feel bad for me when I do say it. It kills me not to tell you everyday. I love you and I always have and always will. Even when you're old and wrinkly and and probably can't stand me anymore. I love you"

 

Carmilla pressed her lips to Laura’s forehead giving her a lingering kiss before Laura wrapped her arms around her wife’s waist holding her tightly. They stood like that for a few moments before Laura pulled back and looked up at Carmilla, taking in a deep breath.

 

“Lets go figure something out for dinner okay” 

 

“Okay”

* * *

 

 

They stood around the counter in their kitchen sorting through all kinds of take out menus and pizza coupons trying to figure out what it is they wanted to eat. Laura was set on Thai or some real Brooklyn pizza but wouldn’t give her wife a definite answer. So she made her flip a coin and promise not to try and switch up her choice after the penny decided their fate.

 

Pizza won and they decided instead of staying home, to go to the best pizza place on their side of the East River. After a short walk to their favorite pizzeria. They sat down and ordered a large classic pepperoni for the two of them. Laura started complaining about going into a food coma before they even managed to pay and leave. Since the summer was coming to an end the evenings in New York start to feel a lot more like autumn. Stepping out into the cold Carmilla put her hands into her pockets, but before they could start to head back to the direction of their building Laura slipped her arm around her wife’s and walked closely to keep warm. Carmilla didn’t say anything. She just smiled and started walking.

 

“Hey Carm’

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I know we moved here for school and work but why did we pick Brooklyn? I mean you said your brother lives out in the suburbs right?”

 

“Yeah he does, but we looked for places closer to the university and being closer to the city center meant it would have been a quicker commute for whatever job I found. Plus when you saw the view from our apartment you didn’t even want to look anywhere else.”

 

“Yeah?” Laura said looking up to her with a look of surprise on her face.

 

“Yup, we use to go and watch the sunset on the skyline down at the park near the pier when we first moved here. You could never get enough of it”

 

Laura smiles and grabbed Carmilla’s arm and started pulling her in a different direction than their building.

 

“Laura where are we going?”

 

“I’ll show you”

 

They continued walking for another ten minutes or so until Carmilla recognized where they were. She could see the Manhattan skyline across the river and knew they were headed for the park she had just mentioned. Laura pulled her over to a bench near the pier and sat down resting her head on Carmilla’s shoulder.

 

“You know the sunset like an hour ago right?”

 

“Yeah but I wanted to see the skyline at night. This view is better than the one from our dining room” Laura explained to Carmilla earning a smile from her.

 

They sat there talking about the different buildings and Laura listened to Carmilla tell her stories about things they had done when they first moved there. As much as she wished she remembered them, she did enjoy listening to Carmilla tell her stories about them. She loved seeing the love in her eyes when she would really get into some of their tales. Today of all days she wanted so badly to know the love had felt for this woman. To reciprocate all the things her wife felt for her. Would she be okay if she never remembered? Would she really be able to fall back in love with her like she was before? She didn’t want to think like that but she also had to realize that it was a real possibility.

 

“Hey I wanted to ask you something, well not really ask but tell but I guess I want to know if you’ll be okay” Laura pulled herself away from Carmilla on the bench they were still sitting on. “So I kind of want to maybe go spend this week at my Dad’s. School starts back up next week and they’re gonna let me co-teach a class and sit in on some others and I haven’t seen him much and I just want to spend some time with him before I don’t have as much of it”

 

“Of course that’s okay with me.” Carmilla said taking a deep breath trying to keep some unwanted memories out of her head.

 

“Okay, good. He’s gonna drive into the city in the morning to pick me up, could you come get me on Friday? He really wants to have you over for dinner if you don’t mind making the drive”

 

“I would love to. Haven’t had some good Ben Hollis cooking in awhile. And I miss your old man. Just let me know what time you want me to come get you. We should head back though so you can get some sleep.” She smiled at Laura and pulled her back into her as they made the short walk back to their building.

 

When Carmilla had finished showering Laura was in their room packing some of her things into a duffle bag, wearing nothing but a large t-shirt and underwear. She couldn’t help but to stand and appreciate the view. Laura seemed not to notice what she was doing though as she started talking and packing, but Carmilla wasn’t hearing a word she was saying.

 

“Hello earth to Carm”

 

“Oh sorry I was uhh… what’s wrong?”

 

Um, I was saying that you don’t have to sleep in the guest room. I mean I’m sorry for laying on you like a leech this morning but this bed is huge and its just as much yours as mine and you sleeping in the guest bed makes me feel like you’re in the dog house and-”

She was starting to ramble .

“Are you sure?" Carmilla interjected her before she went off on a tangent. "I don’t mind the guest bed… that much” 

 

“Yes, I’m just sorry for cuddling you last night, it was like muscle memory in my sleep or something.” Laura tried explaining to her awkwardly as she climbed into her side of the bed.

 

Carmilla followed suit turning the lights off and crawling into bed wearing pajama bottoms and a t-shirt. However she was having a hard time getting any kind of sleep. With all of the days events racing through her head the fact that Laura was sleeping less than three feet away wearing nothing but two simple pieces of clothing was at the forefront of her mind. She was going to need to take another shower if she didn’t start thinking of something else. With everything going on in her life lately she hadn’t even though about how long it had been since she had sex or all the frustration she was currently realizing she had pent up. Groaning and turning over, Carmilla began trying to literally count sheep to fall asleep so she wasn’t in need of a cold shower in the middle of the night.

 

* * *

 

 

Laura walked into her childhood home with her dad after their two-hour drive from the city feeling tired, hungry, and relaxed. She was excited to be able to spend some time alone with her dad. She loved living with Carmilla but she felt like some time away from the city would be nice. She told her dad she was going to take a nap while he ran to the store for stuff for dinner. Sleep didn’t come to her right away. She looked around spotting things in her childhood bedroom that had been placed there long after she moved out. There were quite a few pictures of her and Carmilla. Medals and trophies from playing college ball and even a pic of her, Carmilla and her dad in a large frame on the wall. Finally falling asleep for a short nap after rummaging through her old things, Laura dreamt of something that would shock her a bit when she woke.

 

They ate in front of the TV watching some preseason football. Just like they always had for the 18 years Laura had lived under that roof. After eating and yelling at the TV for a considerable amount of time over their team being a mess on the field Laura decided she was going to get ready for bed. Ben was sitting in the living room watching the news when she had returned from showering.

 

“Carmilla’s nittany lion sweater” Ben said as more of a revelation than a question.

 

“Uhh, yeah how did you know that?”

 

Her dad let out a laugh and patted the seat next to him on the couch.

 

“I’m guessing Carmilla hasn’t said anything about you wearing her sweater all the time. Ill assume that’s because she’s use to it, but considering everything I guess I just find it a little amusing, do you want to hear a story?”

 

Laura looked at him questioningly and nodded unsure of what the big deal was over the sweater. She knew that it was Carmilla’s but it was a lot softer than her own Penn sweater and her wife had never said anything about it really so she didn’t see the big deal.

 

“ I remember it was finals week your senior year and you had been staying with Carmilla and her roommates, you had considered staying here but it was just too far of a drive from the university. You were both stressed out before graduation and you had your first real big fight. You called me and said that you had one final left that you could take online and that you were just gonna come home until graduation. So you showed up here, puffy eyes and tired. You woke up from a nap later that afternoon and realized you had left your notebook with all your notes for your final back at Carmilla’s. As stubborn as you are, you had no desire to call her and ask her to fax them over to you or what have you, so you tried to suck it up and pack your things back up. But when you stepped outside to leave there was a duffle bag and bouquet of flowers on the porch. You brought the bag inside and went through it. It had all your favorite snacks, coffee, your favorite mug, your pillow, and the notebook you had left back at school, and at the bottom was Carmilla’s favorite nittany sweater. The one she said you had pretty much come to claim as your own. She drove two hours after your fight to make sure you had everything you needed. That was the first time I knew that she really loved you. Of course you stayed here until after finals were over and then headed back to make up. But I remember that story because out of everything she had brought you, you grabbed that sweater and went back to bed leaving everything else in the living room.” Ben looked over to Laura whose eyes were starting to water. He grabbed his daughter and pulled her in to hold her.

 

“She loves me so much and it’s starting to hurt that I cant just remember all the love that I’m supposed to have for her” Laura said letting out a sob. He Dad just held her closer telling her it would be okay. Eventually Laura had stopped crying and fallen asleep on the couch. He covered her up with a blanket, kissed her on the head whispering goodnight and headed off to bed himself. He could only imagine how hard it had been back home for the two of them. But just like Carmilla, Ben knew that they’d get through this. Whatever they would have to do, he knew she would go to the ends of the earth to make his daughter happy. He just genuinely hoped that it would end well for them.

 

 

 

 


	5. I'll Be Looking at the Moon, But I'll Be Seeing You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to post this sooner but it's here now right. I have edited it, and also sent it off to my new editor!! Yay! Thank you Morgan aka morgieporgie85. I haven't gotten her edited version yet but I will be sure to come back and fix the differences when I do. I was going to wait but its 4am and I really wanted to post this asap. So much tears and fluff and angst OH MY! Enjoy my loves.

Laura woke up that Wednesday morning just after her father had left for work. He left a note on the fridge for her letting her know he wouldn’t be home for dinner because Wednesday night was reserved for their weekly office bowling night. She smiled at the though of a bunch of corporate lawyers bowling every week. After making breakfast and finishing her cup of coffee she went for a run. She ran the same path she used to run every morning in high school. The route was roughly three miles and passed the park just before the old town shops, then the church, and then just passed the cemetery in their small Pennsylvania town before looping back over to the street she grew up on.

 

Running was her preferred form of therapy through her high school and college years. She had no idea if that had carried on into her later adult years but as she was coming up on the last landmark on her route she was feeling a bit more out of shape than usual. Laura stopped at the corner where the cemetery and the street that looped her back home met. She took a deep breath and thought about going in. She had no idea how long it had been since she had last been in there. After thinking about it for a moment she decided that maybe it was best her first time back was done alone. With that she crossed the street and headed back home.

 

Laura took a long shower, prepared herself a small snack and made her way to spend the rest of her day on the couch. The first two days home were spent going through old photo albums and exploring all of her old stuff in her childhood home. She had really ran out of things to do while her dad was gone during the day aside from sitting on the couch watching Netflix. Almost half way through the rom-com section she remember what her dad said about the home videos she asked about earlier in the week. Initially she was interested in watching some movies from her early childhood. Things that involved camping trips, birthdays, and Disney world. Things that they did when her mom was still around. Her dad hadn’t really caught on to that though. He told her he had a few DVDs on the shelf including her graduations, their trip to the Caribbean and her wedding.

 

When he mentioned the wedding video she felt her heart drop. She hadn’t even asked Carmilla about that yet. In fact she hadn’t even asked about pictures or anything else concerning their wedding. Sure there were a few photos around the house of them that she knew were engagement and wedding day photos but she never really paid much mind to them. Mostly because it brought on a sinking feeling from not remembering those types of life events. She stood up from the couch and made her way over to the bookcase filled with movies. She could right away tell which were the home videos. They were all labeled on the side with her dad’s hand writing in sharpie. She saw the one of her undergrad graduation followed by grad school. A few fishing trip ones that she assumed were of her dad and his coworkers. The very last two on the shelf were labeled ‘Vacation in the Tropics’ and ‘My Baby Girl’s Wedding Day’. The original title names made her smile. Being a dork was definitely a Hollis trait.

 

The first she watched was her undergrad video. To no surprise there was a lot of footage of her and Carmilla walking around campus before the ceremony started. Her dad always had loved pretending to be a hotshot cameraman when it came to home videos. The middle of the tape involved a lot of waiting for names to be called. Carmilla’s department was first and it wasn’t long before they called her name as she walked across the stage. Laura assumed someone must have edited the video because just after Carmilla had stepped of the stage the video jumped to a different part of the ceremony. Tears started to well in her eyes as she watched herself walk across the stage and accept her degree. She was proud of herself but it broke her heart to not remember something so special in her life.

 

She managed to pull it together through the grad school tape, which was a lot less, emotional but contained a lot more of her and Carmilla. It was so obvious how in love they were. If it hadn’t included herself it might of actually made her sick how cute they looked. Carmilla had worn a proud look on her face through the entire tape. Laura’s favorite part was watching as she walked up to her after the ceremony and was lifted up and spun around before being showered with kisses. They both looked so much more grown up than they did in the first.

 

The last video she pulled form the shelf was the only one she wasn’t sure she could watch. She walked around the house, then the back yard, poked around in the garage, even sat at the table and ate lunch before she found herself back in front of the TV. “Girl the hell up, Hollis” she whispered to no one but herself as she hit play on the remote. The video started out with messages from all their guests. Some she recognized and others she didn’t Every message was sweet, and some were funny. A lot of them were just hellos and good lucks. She recognized Will and the blonde next to him who she assumed was his wife. His message was mostly directed at Carmilla and included some phrases like ‘don’t screw it up’ and ‘just remember that Laura’s probably right’. The next message was from two people she assumed to be Carmilla’s parents. They spoke English perfectly but you could tell they had some sort of accent. And they were both gorgeous as well. She figured good genes must run in their family considering how beautiful both Carmilla and Will were.

 

One of the last messages was from her dad, he was trying not to cry and Laura was trying her best not to lose it herself. The last message was from Carmilla but she could tell it was taped at a separate time. She was wearing a hoodie and had her hair up and was sitting in a small room. Laura turned up the volume on the TV to listen carefully.

 

“Hey Laura, so I’m editing our wedding video and I didn’t think to put my own little message in here with everyone else’s so even though we got married a month ago I’m gonna do it now. Holy cow we’ve been married for a month. It feels like longer honestly. I thought that proposing after two years of dating was maybe a little early but I’m glad we decided on the one-year engagement. I think we have grown so much, not just as individuals but also as one. When we look back and watch this video I just want you to remember one thing. This day was one of the most important in my life. There isn’t another person on this earth, or in another lifetime that I would have rather married than you. We are gonna have some good and some bad in the years to come, but no matter what lies ahead I’m always going to remember the things we said to each other on this day. Our love is without a doubt stronger than anything in this life that could ever try to tear us apart. I love you and I can’t wait for you to see this”

 

Tears had already ran down her cheeks and started to dry before the next part of the video started. She knew Carmilla loved her but she was realizing just how vast that love really was. The next part made her audibly gasp. She wore a sleeveless white dress that flowed around her feet. The sides of her hair pulled up as it fell in curls down her back. She couldn’t believe how beautiful she looked. The water works had started again. The camera panned to Carmilla as she reached the end of the aisle and Laura for some reason was not surprised to see her dressed in a feminine tailored suit. The pants stopped just a few inches shy of her ankles, she wore a light blue bow tie,  her hair was pulled into low bun with a halo braid. She looked absolutely stunning and Laura was sure that this wasn’t the first time it had taken her breath away.

 

Laura grabbed the remote and paused the video just before they had started on their vows. Could she handle this part? She had already laughed and cried so much watching the events of her past play out in front of her like a movie she had never seen. She reached for her phone and called the one person who would understand.

 

“Hey Laura, what’s up” Carmilla’s voice come through on the other line.

 

“Hey, I uh just wanted to call and see what you were up to”

 

“Bored already huh?” she let out a small chuckle and continued on. “ I’m down at the art museum sitting around a table with a bunch of losers brain storming ideas for the exhibit”

 

“Oh I didn’t realize you were busy I’m sorry I’ll let you go”

 

“No no, Laura its fine honestly its more play than work. We got most of what we needed done this morning. Just kinda hanging out now”

 

“ Oh okay.”

 

“Something wrong?” Carmilla’s voiced turned into concern

 

“Yeah, it’s good. I’ve just uhh… I’ve been watching home movies all day”

 

“How’s that going”?

 

“ It’s been weird, emotional, I don’t know it’s so odd seeing all these things I’ve done and I don’t remember any of them but there I am. I started our wedding video”

 

“Oh” Carmilla’s voice was faint.

 

“Yeah, I stopped it just before we started to say our vows. It just feels like maybe too much. You looked stunning though.”

 

“If I remember correctly love, you were the one who looked stunning that day, truthfully I think you look stunning every day” she said matter-of-factly.

 

Laura inhaled deeply with a blush forming on her cheeks.

 

“Are you flirting with me?” the words left her mouth before she could think to take them back. Carmilla let out a small laugh

 

“Yes sunshine, I was definitely making a pass at you but technically you are my wife and what I said is true. You looked more beautiful than words could describe that day. I know that maybe you aren’t sure about watching the rest of the video but before you decide if you want to or not. Just remember the words we said to each other that day, those promises we made, I believe them to be very pertinent to what we are going through now. I do have to go now so I can pack up and head over to the gallery to make sure my new partner and bone headed interns haven’t burned the place to the ground. Text me later, I miss you and I hope you’re enjoying your time with your dad”

 

“I am and I was thinking maybe I could give you another call before bed?”

 

“Of course”

 

“Okay, Bye Carmilla”

 

“au revoir mon chéri”

 

 

Laura hung up and dropped herself back down onto the couch thinking about what Carmilla had said. The promises they had made to each other were important to what they were going through now. That in its self was enough to decide to watch the rest. Maybe it was going to break her heart but maybe, it wasn’t.

 

Laura started first as she pulled out a small piece of paper from the inside of her dress. “Nice, Hollis” she thought to herself.

 

“ I am so sorry I did not memorize these but I really didn’t want to forget anything. Carmilla Karnstein you are the most magnificent thing to ever happen to me, everyday since the day we met has been filled with excitement and adventure and love. You opened up my eyes to what life has to offer and the love and kindness we are capable of sharing. You made me see that there is always more than what meets the eye. I learned that it is possible to love without conditions, to communicate even when you want to hold all of the world inside, and that with the right persuasion techniques you can make anyone a football fan.” A smile had spread across Laura’s face hearing the laughter as she spoke those words.

 

“I promise to always love you without conditions, to communicate with you about the things that make our lives hard, to see the world not just through my eyes but through yours, to grow together as we do as individuals and to never speak cruel words to each other but only to live with all the love that we share no matter how high our tides may get”

 

She watched as they both wiped the tears from their eyes and Carmilla too pulled out a small piece of paper from her jacket pocket.

 

“I too did not memorize my vows, but not because I was going to forget them but simply because I wrote them a hundred different times and had no time to memorize them.” There was once again a bit of laughter as Carmilla continued.

 

“Laura Elizabeth Hollis, there is no other single thing in existence that I could ever love as much as I love you. You opened my heart to a world that I never knew existed. I learned more compassion, and kindness, and love from you than I would ever have been able to learn from the world or myself. In my life you are the reason the sun rises each day, the reason the stars shine from their place in the universe, the reason I love without limits, the reason my coffee is fresh each morning, and the reason I wish to learn to love more each day. No one person in this world is perfect, no two people have a perfect relationship, but I vow to you that I will with each passing day love you more with every flaw we each possess as our own people and as wives. No matter how hard it gets, no matter if our faith falters, if our hope is dim, and all seems lost in the world. I will always be by your side to pick us up when we are down and remember to appreciate each other in times of darkness as well as the times we share that are bright. I have been in love with no one, and never shall unless it should be with you”

 

The I do’s were said and bits of video of the reception played on she watched their first dance and the speeches that were said but she didn’t pay much attention. She couldn’t even bring herself to cry anymore. She stopped the DVD before it was over and placed it back on the shelf. She knew Carmilla loved her but by no means did she ever realize just how much love they had shared. She was right, watching that video broke her heart. But it also brought out a new wave of anger she hadn’t felt since her accident. She had started to slowly come to terms with losing her memory but this wasn’t fair for Carmilla. It wasn’t fair that she had to put her love on hold while Laura was figuring out how to begin again. She couldn’t continue to break Carmilla’s heart.

* * *

 

 

 

Friday came a lot quicker than Carmilla expected but she was relieved the workweek was over and that Laura would be back home in a few hours. Her being away at her Dad’s only left a sinking feeling in her stomach of the last time Laura had left to stay with her dad. She knew this time it was because Laura needed some time to herself and some time with her dad but the last time wasn’t under the greatest of circumstances. She had spoke with Laura on Wednesday night about coming first thing in the morning so they could all have lunch together and heading back to the city before it got late. The nerves she was feeling hadn’t surfaced until after Laura called her Wednesday afternoon telling her she spent all day watching videos of the two of them. She spent the rest of her week trying not to feel the hope she had that maybe watching home movies would help their relationship.

 

 

Ben and Laura had brunch ready to go by time Carmilla pulled up to the Hollis residence just after eleven that morning. The three of them sat out on the deck enjoying the late summer weather telling stories back and forth. Some of them memories Laura had lost and others were stories that Carmilla had never heard about her wife.

 

“ I’ll take care of the dishes,” Laura offered collecting all the plates

 

“No no I’ll help you, you guys did prepare this amazing meal it’s the least I could do” Carmilla added standing to help her collect the dishes.

 

“Carm, it’s okay I promise its just the three of us there’s not a lot to do”

 

“How about we can all three clean up? But I’d like to chat with Carmilla for a moment if that’s okay” Ben said causing both girls to stop what they were doing and turn to him with confused expressions on their faces.

 

“Uhh yeah I’ll be in in a minute to help out”

 

“Okay” Laura said slowly taking the rest of the plates into the house.

 

“What’s going on?” Carmilla asked as she sat back down.

 

“How are you doing, kid?”

 

“Oh, umm I’m doing fine.” She replied unsure of where this conversation was going.

 

“She loves you, you know that right. Maybe she doesn’t remember falling in love with you or the extent of her feelings. But Sunday night I told her about the time she came here after your first fight. She fell asleep crying and as her father it hurts that I can’t fix this for her. I know it hurts you too but you can’t give up on her. She has me but she needs you. She needs you to get through this whether she ever remembers or not.”

 

“Ben, I’m not going to leave her if that’s what you’re thinking. And if you’re not then I’m sorry for assuming that’s what you meant but I have no intention of ever leaving her side. She’s my wife and this is part of for better or for worse. If anyone leaves it will be her and I have to pray that never happens.” Carmilla said trying to hold back a flood of emotions. She had thought about this everyday since Laura woke up.

 

“ I pray everyday that she wakes up and remembers something. Anything at all that she’s lost. But I can’t help but think about what to do if she never remembers anything”

 

“Then I’ve got to make her fall in love with me all over again.” Carmilla looked at him hoping he agreed with her answer. “She’s the love of my life, Ben. She fell in love with me once, we can do it all over again. If there is one thing in this life I can never lose. It’s her.”

 

They both turned their heads as a scream came from inside the house followed by Laura yelling that she was okay. They both got up and walked inside to see what the commotion was all about. Laura had pancake batter all over herself when she turned around to face them.

 

“I was trying to dismantle the kitchen aid and accidently turned it on high.”

 

Her wife and father responded with cries of laughter embarrassing her further. Laura sighed and proceeded to wipe the batter off of her face while her father took apart the appliance and started to wash it.

 

“Come here you dork” Carmilla said grabbing Laura’s arm pulling her towards her. She took the wet towel from Laura and wiped the remainder of batter from her face.

 

“There all clean” She said placing a chaste kiss to Laura’s forehead. Laura smiled and looked up at Carmilla meeting her soft brown eyes. Her hand still in Carmilla’s, standing no more than a few inches apart. Her eyes flicked down to her lips and back to her eyes. Carmilla’s eye never leaving Laura’s. Ben cleared his throat behind them causing them to jump and separating, realizing they had gotten lost in the moment.

 

“You guys should probably head out soon if you want to get back before all that city traffic gets bad,” Ben said looking between the two girls.

 

“Right, Ill go grab all my things and put them in the car” Laura moved from Carmilla’s side towards her room.

 

“We’ll be okay,” Carmilla said to Ben as they both watch Laura leave them room, Ben placing his hand on her shoulder her giving it a squeeze.

* * *

 

 

The two-hour car ride back to the city had been pretty quiet at first with just the radio on in the background. Laura had told Carmilla a few stories from her week back home with her dad before it grew quiet again. As they started to get close to home Carmilla remembered that she would be taking her nephew out and thought Laura would want to tag along.

 

“So I am taking Drew to a Mets game tomorrow afternoon if you want to go with us. I bought a third ticket just incase but I know you start teaching again Monday and wasn’t sure if you wanted to relax this weekend”

 

“I’d love to go. What time is it?”

 

“Starts at 12. Thought maybe we could do an early lunch and then the game and then maybe after we drop him off we could go out?”

 

“Oh, out to where?”

 

“Umm maybe to dinner or a bar. I don’t know I just thought it would nice to have a night out with you.” Carmilla said wishing she could take back her words. Normally Laura would be up for a night in the city but nothing had been normal in months.

 

“ I would really like that. I haven’t had a drink in forever” Laura replied not tearing her gaze away from the car window.

 

“ You sure? I mean we can do something else if you’re not up to it”

 

Laura finally turned to look at her wife.

 

“Of course I’m sure. I haven’t had a real night out and I think the weekend before I go back to work is perfect. What did you have in mind? Just going for dinner or bar hopping?”

 

“We could go bar hopping after dinner?”

 

“Yeah lets do it” Laura gave her a smile and went back to looking out the window watching the city come into view.

* * *

 

 

“Hey Laura I’m gonna run to the store and grab some stuff for dinner do you want anything.” Carmilla yelled across the apartment hoping her wife could hear her in their room.

 

Laura emerged from the hall in nothing but a towel, wet hair draped around her shoulders and for the second time that day Carmilla felt like she was lost in the moment.

 

“Earth to Carm” Laura said waving her hand around to get her attention.

 

“Ice cream and a good bottle of wine I heard you, I was just uhh…”

 

“Enjoying the view? Get out of here perv” Laura smiled at Carmilla as she walked towards the door with her keys and wallet in hand. Carmilla continued to watch as she made her way back to their room before heading out.

 

When Carmilla got back Laura had started dinner and set the table for them. She pulled out the bread and put it in the oven while Laura continued on the pasta and salad. They poured two glasses of the wine she picked up at the grocery store and danced and sang around as they finished dinner.

 

They sat down together to eat, talking about what their upcoming week looked like. Carmilla had hired on a handful on new interns, promoted her old ones and took on a business partner she went to school with to help run the gallery. In just the two years it had been open it had expanded from a small hole in the wall art gallery to a larger location and international website with open auctions for most of their pieces. Laura loved hearing Carmilla talk about pieces they had sold to different parts of the world. She knew that the gallery start out as a bunch of struggling artist trying to get their work seen and managed to turn it into a massively successful business not just for herself but for the talented artist she found from all over.

 

Laura had started to explain how she would be co-teaching classes for the first semester and then taking on one class of her own again while co-teaching for the second semester of the year. They had finished dinner and were on their second bottle of wine when Laura had gotten curious about Carmilla’s own work.

 

“ How often do you sell your own pieces at the gallery?” she asked slightly slurring her words.

 

“Um I use to paint a lot and most of my pieces would go for auction online but about a year ago I decided to focus on discovering other talent and helping them get their work out there. Everything I had at the gallery before is upstairs in the studio. That’s what all those pieces are under the sheets.” Carmilla explained finishing off her glass of wine and pouring another.

 

“Why don’t you put your own work out there anymore? I mean you do still paint right? I haven’t seen you do it at all since I came home” Laura leaned her head against her hand staring at Carmilla but before she could get an answer there was a knock at the door.

 

“I’ll get that,” said Carmilla standing up from the table to answer.

 

“Hey so sorry to bother you so late but my cat got herself stuck behind the fridge and she pulled the cord out of the wall and I need some help moving it so I can plug it back in” said the girl standing outside of their door. It was Katie, their neighbor from down the hall. Laura wouldn’t remember her but before her husband deployed they use to double date all the time. After her husband deployed she had started working crazy hours at the hospital and was never around much any more. She had come to check on how Laura was doing a few times after she got out of the hospital but Carmilla hadn’t heard or seen from her in weeks if not months.

 

“Uh yeah sure I’ll be right over” Carmilla tried to compose herself enough so she didn’t seem intoxicated although she clearly was. “Hey Laura I’m gonna go help our neighbor move her fridge I will be right back”

 

Laura nodded in acknowledgement as her wife slipped out the door.

* * *

 

 

“Thanks so much for helping me, I have no idea why we got such a huge fridge or why my cat decided to get herself stuck back here” Katie said after Carmilla had helped her move it away from the wall so it could be plugged back in.

 

“Oh it’s no problem, sorry I wasn’t more sober when you knocked,” they both laughed a little since Carmilla was quite obviously a bit tipsy.

 

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around more, after Ryan got deployed I just thought throwing myself into work would help and honestly it kind of hurt a little seeing you and Laura together cause he wasn’t here and it was stupid and selfish of me. I was a bad friend.”

 

“Hey now, you aren’t stupid or selfish. I can’t imagine how tough that is to go through. And we aren’t exactly on cloud nine these days either ya know” She had let that last bit slip not realizing she had said it until after it was too late.

 

“What you guys are going through is hard too, I know that. How has she been by the way? Any better?” Katie asked and Carmilla shook her head.

 

“She still hasn’t recovered anything memory wise but we are in a better place than we were when she first came home. Speaking of I should probably get back before she finishes off that last bottle of wine to herself” Carmilla gave Katie and hug and told her to not be such a stranger.

 

Carmilla could hear the music in the hallway before she opened their apartment door. This time is wasn’t coming from the surround sound speakers but instead Carmilla’s record player. She recognized it immediately. She knew why Laura had put this album on. When she closed the door she saw Laura dancing around the living room with her half full glass of wine singing along.

 

_You really got a hold on me, I love you and all I want you to do is just hold me_

Carmilla stood there watching her sing and dance sipping from her glass.  She spotted Carmilla and started to make her way towards the door singing.

 

_Don’t want to kiss you but I need to, ooooh you do me wrong now_

 

She pulled Carmilla towards the living room to dance with her setting her glass down on the coffee table. She pulled Carmilla forward by both hands, Carmilla just watching her, refusing to partake in her lip singing and drunk dancing. The song had started to fade out and the notes for the next song had started.

 

“Dance with me, Carmilla” Laura said in a whisper looking into her eyes. Carmilla grabbed Laura’s hand and wrapped her arm around Laura’s back. Laura placed her head on Carmilla’s chest as they swayed back and forth in the living room. This was one of Carmilla’s favorite oldies albums. A little but of Percy and a little bit of Billie with a few others in between.

 

They continued to sway as the song continued to fill the house. Laura listened to Carmilla’s heartbeat while they danced. She knew she would have never done something like this sober, but she felt such a strong urge to have Carmilla close and she couldn’t explain it. It was only dancing right?

 

Laura pulled her head back looking up to Carmilla who had her eyes closed and was silently singing the words as they kept dancing. She just stared at her letting her control the slow rhythm that they had going. Carmilla opened her eyes and saw those beautiful brown eyes looking up at her. She felt her body tingling. Unsure if it was from the wine or holding Laura close. She would have guessed a heavy amount of both if someone asked her. She didn’t look away from her eyes as Laura let go of her hand and placed both arms around Carmilla’s neck not breaking their sway.

 

She looked down to her lips and back to her eyes. She knew she wasn’t too far gone that if she kissed her she could pretend maybe tomorrow that it never happened. They were so close now that she could feel Laura breathing heavily. She leaned down just slightly closing her eyes whispering the words that came from the record. Their noses brushed, and she could feel as though she was whispering the lyrics to Laura’s lips. She couldn’t close the space between them though. Before she could think to pull away Laura ran her fingers through the back of Carmilla’s hair and pulled her down until their lips finally met. She kissed her back just as slowly as they had been dancing.

 

As the song ended they broke their kiss, but never let of each other. The next song started and they continued to hold each other dancing.

 

“We danced to this at our wedding” Laura said in a voice just above a whisper. She looked up at Carmilla who had an unreadable expression on her face.

 

“We did”

 

“This is one of the first albums we ever listened to together,” Laura said causing Carmilla to change her expression quickly.

 

“How did you-“

 

“There was an note written on the backside of the sleeve” Laura interrupted her before she could ask how she remembered that fact. Cause she didn’t remember. She only knew all of that because she had watched their wedding video twice and while Carmilla was down the hall she was looking for a record to put on. She hadn’t planned on putting something slow on, but the wine had gotten to her head and she just felt like she needed an excuse to just be closer to her wife. She had no idea where the need for more from Carmilla came from but she wasn’t really trying to question it further.

 

The record had ended Carmilla stepped away to turn the player off and grabbed their glasses to place them in the sink. Laura stood there in the same place they had been dancing wondering what had happened. They just kissed and danced for what felt like an eternity and she just walked away like nothing had happened. Did she do something wrong? Should she have not pulled her in to dance? Was it the kiss? Laura’s drunken thoughts raced through her head as she felt two arms wrap around her waist.

 

“Lets go to bed, love” Carmilla’s tone was soft and quiet. Her head resting on Laura’s shoulder.

 

“Okay”

 

They climbed into bed from their separate sides. After a few minutes of laying there looking at each other with a good distance between them Carmilla reach her had across the bed and pulled on Laura’s shirt encouraging her to scoot closer.

 

“Should we talk about what happened in the living room?” Laura whispered just inches from her wife’s face.

 

“Not right now, not unless you really want to”

 

“I don’t. I just want to do it again”

 

“You or the alcohol?” Laura felt a small sting from her response but she knew she wasn’t entirely wrong.

 

“Both?”

 

Before she could respond again Laura closed the distance between them wrapping her hand around the nape of Carmilla’s neck. The kissed for a few moments before she pulled away and turned over grabbing Carmilla’s arm and wrapping it around her.

 

“I forgot to mention I have a doctor appointment early tomorrow morning, but I will be back for lunch before the game”

 

“Okay”

 

“Goodnight, Carm”

 

“Goodnight, my love”

 

Before either of them could dwell on the nights events they had fallen fast asleep wrapped in each other arms for the first time in months.

* * *

 

 

 

Laura sat in her Doctor’s office way too early for a Saturday Morning.  She had skimmed through most of a Women’s Health magazine before the nurse had come to get her. The nurse took her height and weight and asked her all the routine questions before leaving to get the doctor. Most of the time Carmilla would have come with her to any appointment she had but given that they were both hung over and she had to leave by seven on a Saturday she just let her sleep in. Plus she had no idea how they were going to deal with last night now that they were both sober. Maybe she could just pretend it didn’t happen. Before she could dwell any longer on that thought the door to the room opened.

 

“Hello Laura, how are you on this early Saturday morning” her Doctor had asked taking a seat in their chair.

 

The words left her mouth before she could process what she had just been asked.

 

“I’ve been remembering”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The three songs in this chapter were added to the spotify playlist I made for this fic. 
> 
> Percey Sledge- You Really got a hold on me.
> 
> The Second was Billie Holliday- I'll be seeing you. Where the chapter title came from.
> 
> and the third being Ella Fitzgerald- Dream a little dream.
> 
> Here is the link for the playlist and my tumblr. Please dont yell at me for the cliff hanger. I hope you guys enjoyed it. 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/tamerasaul/playlist/3zqoZa0zAAEZ1bGHfN4zhv
> 
> commanderoftondc.tumblr.com


	6. I've Got Dreams to Remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Picking a chapter title was so so so hard this time haha. Anyway sorry for the delay. I decided to take 12 credit hours in 8 weeks and for those of you in college you know thats like a death wish. And yes I feel dead. Writing has been hard to do but i literally busted out like 5k words in 3 hours to get this up. Hope you guys enjoy it. Please leave comments, the feedback motivates me to keep writing!! Also dont kill me k?
> 
> this is also unedited so bare with me until i get an edited version back. 
> 
> commanderoftondc.tumblr.com

“I’ve been remembering” Laura blurted out not able to hold it back anymore. Her nerves had gotten to the better of her and now the phrase was hanging there in the air between her and the doctor. She spoke again before her doctor could react.

 

“I mean I haven’t been remembering memories its weird or complicated I guess” she spoke with a tone of uncertainty.

 

“Well explain to me the best you can”

 

“It started about two weeks ago. I had a dream and it was so vivid. I was back in college in an apartment but not one I can remember ever having or being in. And Carmilla was there in my dream and we weren’t doing anything specific just talking in the dream. I didn’t think much of it but then I went home this past week and was going through photo albums and there were multiple pictures of us in the same apartment I saw in my dream. It was Carmilla’s and I just kept trying to figure out how I can’t remember this apartment but I can dream about it. That wasn’t it though every single night I have had dreams about people and things I don’t remember but they make sense. None of them have stood out like one that I had last Sunday. In my dream it was Carmilla and I, in the apartment we live in now but there was a little boy too. I thought at first when I woke up it was my nephew but the more I thought about it the more I felt like I was missing something.”

 

Laura’s doctor hadn’t really known what to say about Laura’s recent revelation. They sat and talked about a sleep therapy that her doctor wanted to try. Bringing her in for a sleep lab and seeing what parts of her brain were the most active during her sleep cycle. This way they might be able to try conscious exercises that trigger those parts of her brain to work on memory recovery. It was a shot in the dark but it was a shot worth taking.

* * *

 

 

 

Laura walked through the front door of their apartment anxious to see what it was going to be like after what had happened the night before. She knows it all happened because of the wine they had drank but she knows deep down it was something she had wanted to do for a while. Everything that was happening lately felt like a war going on inside of her. She didn’t want to keep putting Carmilla through the pain of her possibly never remembering but she couldn’t deny that she did in fact feel something for her. She was turning into a mess and she had no idea how to clean this one up.

 

“So I am the worst Aunt in the history of all Aunts. I bought the baseball tickets this week and I was going to surprise Drew with them for his birthday a week early. But I got my calendar all mixed up and today is his birthday so put something nice on we have to be at a four year old's birthday party in two hours” Carmilla looked like someone had kicked her dog as she walked away from Laura who had just walked into their room.

 

“Carm forgetting his birthday doesn’t make you the worst Aunt ever. He doesn’t even know you forgot. We can pick him up a present on the way to Will’s and he wont ever know.” Laura tried her best to comfort her.

 

“Are we okay?”

 

“What? Yeah we’re fine.”

 

“Are you sure Laura cause I know we had a lot to drink last night and sometimes people get caught up in the moment.”

 

“We are fine” Laura said pulling Carmilla closer to her wrapping her arms around her neck. She didn’t know what she was doing but she told herself to stop thinking about it and just feel. “I didn’t kiss you last night because of the wine. I mean I had been wanting to do that the wine just gave me the courage I was looking for” Laura smiled up and her seeing the heartbreaking expression she was wearing disappears slowly.

 

Carmilla’s phone started ringing and she pulled away from Laura’s embrace to answer it.

 

“Hey Will what’s up?...." Yeah we can do that. See you soon” she hung up looking at her phone and then turning to Laura like something bad had happened.

 

“Will dropped Drew’s cake in the parking lot of the store. They said they could do another for him before the party starts but he won’t be able to pick it up because he has to be at the house when people start showing up. So we have to pick it up. He is such a dumb ass” Carmilla let out a groan and walked into the bathroom to finish getting ready. Laura just smiled at her wife’s irritation and followed her to get ready.

* * *

 

 

Around noon they pulled up to Carmilla’s brothers house. Laura hadn’t been there at all since the accident so she had no memory of it or Will’s wife, who she would be meeting today. Luckily today was going to be all about keeping a bunch of toddlers entertained. They could get through today without dealing with all the awkwardness that came with everything that happened last night. Carmilla set the cake down on the kitchen counter after they let themselves into the house. Laura followed closely behind her trying to scope out the unfamiliar place.

 

Will and Drew came through the backdoor from the backyard before they had a chance to go looking for them. As expected Drew ran to his Aunt Laura, beyond excited to see her. She pulled him up to hold him in her arms as he ran towards her. Laura smiled at Carmilla and walked towards the backyard as Drew started rambling on about everything he had done so far at his party. That left Will and his sister standing in his kitchen alone.

 

Carmilla looked down at her feet and then back up to Will who had been staring at her the whole time. She had sent him a message shortly after Laura left for her appointment telling him everything that had happened the night before. It was when we said they could talk about it at the birthday party that she had realized she got her weekends mixed up. So here she was standing in her brothers kitchen dealing with the awkward silence between them.

 

“Do you want to talk about it or?” Will asked not sure if she was wanting to actually talk to him.

 

“I don’t know what to say I mean I told you everything that happened.”

 

“Well what does it mean? It has to mean something if she made the moves on you right?”

 

“I don’t know Will okay I don’t know! We haven’t even talked about if it means anything. We had a moment earlier when she came home but I don’t want to do this if it means she’s gonna back out or if she’s doing it because we’ve been living together. I don’t know okay. So no, I guess I don’t want to talk. Just give me some time. I just need some time”

 

Carmilla leaned over and placed her head in her hands as she rested her arms on the counter top. Will walked over to his sister and placed a hand on her shoulder letting her know it would be okay. He hated seeing his sister this way.

 

By mid afternoon the backyard was filled with children running around and adults drinking and socializing. They had gotten all the presents and cake business done with as soon as possible so that everyone could relax and enjoy themselves. Carmilla wrapped her present from both her and Laura. She had bought a few tee shirts with space related jokes on them and of course one with the NASA logo. She also stuck three tickets to the zoo in his card. The excitement on his face when he saw them made her feel like she was his favorite person in the world.

 

Laura had been talking with Will’s wife, Emily, when she noticed Carmilla was missing from the crowd. She excused herself from the group of parents she was talking with and went in the house to find her. Instead she found will cleaning up the kitchen and putting Drew’s presents away.

 

“Hey do you know where your sister went?’ Laura asked.

 

“I saw her head upstairs a little bit ago but not sure for what reason. You can head up there and see if she’s still somewhere in the house.”

 

“Thanks, Will”

 

“No problem. I’d check Drew’s room first. It’s the third door if you go left at the top of the stairs.”

 

Laura nodded and headed up the stairs. She knew that Will and Carmilla came from a wealthy family but this house was ridiculously huge for a three-person family. After reaching the top of the stairs, instead of heading straight to her nephew’s room, Laura stopped to look at all the family photos on their walls. Most of them were family photos done of the three of them and even more of a younger Drew. The biggest photo in the wall was a wedding photo. Will and Emily stood in the middle and were surrounded by what had to be at least a hundred people if not more. She looked amongst the faces searching for Carmilla’s. It didn’t take long to find it and next to Carmilla she saw herself.

 

Laura felt something different looking at this photo than she had before looking at pictures of herself she didn’t remember. This time she just felt content, despite knowing she didn’t recall ever being apart of this event she didn’t feel sad or bitter. There was another next to it of just their immediate family. This one Laura was surprised to find herself in. But there she was with her in-laws and Carmilla’s arm wrapped around her waist. A noise from down the hall pulled her from her thoughts.

 

She made her way down the hall to the third door and gave it a light knock. She heard a muffled noise that sounded a lot like come in so she opened the door. She let out a small wow under hear breath after seeing the room. The walls were painted blue and black with all kinds of posters, pictures, and drawings covering each. There was a paint easel in the corner, a gift from Carmilla no doubt. A toddler sized desk against the wall from the bed and a corner full of all types of toys. There in the middle of the room her wife was laying on the bed staring up at the ceiling.

 

“Everything okay?” Laura asked stepping further into the room and closing the door.

 

“Yeah just a lot on my mind and I love my nephew but a thousand screaming toddlers is not my cup of tea.”

 

“Don’t blame you, they certainly are very rowdy. Can I join you?”

 

Carmilla just patted the bed next to her signaling Laura to lie down next to her.

 

“Whoa” Laura said looking at the solar system of planets hanging from the ceiling above the bed like a mobile. Carmilla let out a chuckle and Laura turned to give her a look.

 

“You helped me build that. It took us weeks to figure it out but we hooked up lights in each of the planets and painted them. We surprised him with it last year for his birthday. He has loved any and everything about space since he could talk. If you close the curtains I’ll turn it on.”

 

Laura got up and pushed the curtains closed laying back down on the bed as Carmilla found a cord next to the bed and flipped the switch on it. The room lit up and the planets on the mobile above them began to rotate around the Sun.

 

“Its mesmerizing” Laura said watching as the lit up planets continued to rotate.

 

“It certainly is” Carmilla said, her eyes fixed on the woman next to her and not the solar system above them.

 

“Look Carmilla.  I’m sorry about last night I don’t want to sit here and say that it wasn’t the alcohol because I know I wouldn’t have been so forward if we hadn’t been drinking but I also can’t lie and say that lately I haven’t been wanting to do that. I can’t give you an answer as of why because no matter how I try to explain it I know it won’t be the answer you want. I just know that over the past couple of months you have been more than I could have asked for after my accident. You respected my boundaries but you were still so understanding and there for me even though to me, you were a complete stranger”

 

That part had made Carmilla feel her heart drop a little but she just let Laura keep talking.

 

“I keep fighting with myself over what my head and my heart are telling me and my heart is telling me that no matter what happens I should just go with my feelings but my head is screaming at me that this is a bad idea. I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to get hurt. I have no idea what’s going to happen, Carmilla. I honestly don’t see me ever gaining my memory back and I don’t know where you stand if that happens I feel like we should have talked about this sooner”

 

Carmilla had let Laura go on with her rambling because she honestly didn’t know what to say and she needed to hear what was going through Laura’s head after everything. She realized that it had been a few moments since Laura had stopped talking but she still couldn’t figure out what to say back.

 

“Please say something,” Laura pleaded sitting up and turning to look at her wife. Trying her best to read her facial expression for some kind of response.

 

“Go on a date with me.” Was the first thing out of Carmilla’s mouth.

 

“What?”

 

“A date Laura, go on a date with me. You don’t know how to explain your feelings and you’re confused and you don’t want to hurt me. I get all of that. This whole situation is very confusing. But I vowed to love you no matter what and I have every intention of keeping that promise. So go on a date with me we don’t have to figure out everything right now. Lets just take it all one-step at a time. Like we have been."

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay you’ll go on a date with me?” Carmilla said with newfound excitement in her voice.

 

“Yes, let’s go on a date.” Laura smiled at her feeling much more confident about her decision.

 

Carmilla could hear Will calling her from downstairs and made her way out of the room. She stopped at the door and looked back at Laura who was still sitting on Drew’s bed. “Saturday at 6 sharp. Be ready. Ill pick you up,” She said. She gave a smile to Laura and disappeared into the hall.

* * *

 

 

They had gotten to the zoo around ten in the morning and it was already almost noon. Carmilla was wondering what the appropriate amount of time spent at a zoo is because she was most definitely ready to go home. She loves nothing more than to spend time with her wife and nephew but the north east was getting one final heat wave before fall and she loved Drew but he had been spouting random animal facts since they had picked him up this morning. When Laura finally mentioned stopping for lunch she couldn’t have been more thrilled to oblige.  

 

They had found a shady spot near the elephant exhibit to eat their lunch Laura had packed. Carmilla and Laura sat together on a bench with a table and Drew climbed up on an elephant statue that’s purpose was surely for picture taking. She wasn’t going to tell him no though; the point of today was to be fun and adventurous.

 

Although the adults had been finished with their lunch Drew wasn’t even half way done with his. Carmilla had been compliant to a game of eye spy but now she was losing her patience. Drew knew better when it came to talking and eating and she had scolded him a number of times before finally having to threaten to just go home if he didn’t finish eating. He had made some serious progress with his sandwich but not without giving his aunts a hard time about it. Before he could climb down to escape Carmilla had stood up and trapped him from behind tickling him, throwing him into a fit of giggles.

 

Their laughter was still dying down when a lady and her husband had passed by them to sit on a near by bench.

 

“You have such a cute family,” the lady said

 

Before Carmilla or Laura could speak up to correct her Drew spoke up.

 

“Thank you miss lady” He said taking another bite of his sandwich.

 

The couple had walked away before either of them could correct Drew. They stood there looking at each other and then at Drew, who was just eating his lunch like nothing had happened.

 

“Hey Drew sweetie, why did you say that to that lady?” Carmilla asked him trying not to laugh for some reason.

 

“Because she said a nice thing about our family. You’re my aunt and Aunt Laura is my Aunt that makes us family right?” He gave a look to Carmilla like he didn’t understand why she questioned him.

 

“No, you’re right buddy. We are family. I think the lady just thought we were your moms not your aunts that’s all” She knew he would understand what she was trying to explain to him.

 

“Like Alex?” Drew asked looking back to Carmilla who was still standing next to him.

 

Carmilla felt the blood drain from her face and her throat was dry. She knew Laura was going to ask who Alex was and that was not a question she felt like answering. She had to nip it in the bud before it went any further.

 

“Yeah kind of like Alex buddy. Lets clean up our trash and go see the reptile exhibit before we head home okay?”

 

Drew got up and took all his trash to the waste bin while Carmilla awkwardly avoided Laura’s gaze. She knew that Laura was confused and was surely going to ask questions but for now she would avoid it for as long as possible.

* * *

 

Drew was standing about thirty feet from his Aunts looking at a glass enclosure with different types of lizards hanging around on tree branches and buried beneath the mulch. Laura and Carmilla hadn’t really spoken much since they cleaned up from lunch. Laura wasn’t sure if it was okay to ask about it, Carmilla seemed tense. She was debating it in her head over and over. Like everything else that had to do with Carmilla lately.

 

She was so sure she had talked herself into just letting all this go and relieving Carmilla of having to deal with the chaos that was now her life. She didn’t want to keep dragging her on not knowing what her future was going to look like. How fair was that to her wife to have to live a life with someone who didn’t remember most of their life together. But then she had realized that despite not remembering she did have feelings for Carmilla. Which also wasn’t fair to her. She was so tired of thinking and debating it, she had decided to just let Carmilla steer the crazy bus for now.

 

So she decided right then and there that she wasn’t going to ask about what had happened at lunch and just try to diffuse the weird tension between them.

 

Laura leaned over to Carmilla who was watching her nephew listen to the zookeeper talk about the different reptiles. She rested her chin on Carmilla’s shoulder her lips just an inch form Carmilla’s ear.

 

“We should do something relaxing tonight before I go back to work tomorrow” Laura said in a low voice so that her wife was the only one to hear it.

 

Carmilla turned her head to look at Laura seeing a grin on her face she couldn't distinguish.

 

“What did you have in mind?”

 

“I’m not sure I was hoping you might have some idea’s”

 

“Oh I have lots of ideas my dear, the questions is are you going to be a willing participant in any of these ideas?” Carmilla kept her voice low so that no one around them could hear. She wrapped her arms around Laura’s waist pulling her closer.

 

“Guess we will have to see” Laura looked down at Carmilla’s lips and thought about the last time they had kissed.

 

Drew calling their names pulled them out of embrace and they made their way towards the exit.  The ride back to Will’s house wasn’t far but they kept their hands intertwined the entire way.

 

Carmilla had pulled up into the driveway and out the car in park hoping out to unbuckle drew from his car seat. When she opened the passenger she had seen that Drew hadn’t buckled both parts of his seat belt. She felt both panic and anger begin to well up inside of her. It wasn’t very rare for her to ever become angry with Drew. She could count the times she had been truly upset with him on one hand.

 

“Andrew William Luce why wasn’t your seat belt buckled all the way! You know better why would you think it was okay to not buckle in all the way. You’re a big boy now would your mom and dad let you only buckle halfway?” Carmilla’s voice was anything but quite and tears and started to prick at Drew’s eyes. Laura had also gotten out of the vehicle to come around and stop Carmilla. She wasn’t sure why she was yelling but she knew it wasn’t like her to be like this towards her nephew.

 

“Do you know what could of happened if we wrecked why wouldn’t you buck up all the way Drew?” Carmilla was still yelling and she felt two arms pull her back as Drew started to cry.

 

Will came out of nowhere unbuckling his son and holding him to sooth him.

 

“What the hell is going on Carmilla?” Will scolded his sister as his wife took their son inside.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make him cry I just freaked out he didn’t buckle himself in all the way is something would have happened to us on the way home he could have been seriously hurt” tears of her own were streaming down her face. Will’s face turned from anger to understanding. He pulled his sister into a hug assuring it would be okay she just needed to go comfort her nephew.

 

“Carmilla just a heads up next time. We always snap the bottom half of his car seat because it pinches his finger. He probably didn’t tell you because he thinks that he’s grown now that he’s four. He didn’t want you treating him like a baby. It wasn’t his fault” Will explained. And Carmilla felt like the biggest villain for acting that way towards he nephew.

 

Laura grabbed the keys from the Carmilla’s SUV and followed them inside. Will, Emily, and Laura sat in the living room while Carmilla talked to Drew upstairs.

 

“Has she done something like that before?” Laura asked meekly looking at Will and his wife.

 

“No, she’s never yelled at drew before. In fact I’ve never seen her really yell at anyone. She doesn’t argue or yell. She either talks it out or just ignores it. She just panicked” Will explained and Laura just nodded.

 

They turned their heads when they heard footsteps coming from the staircase. Carmilla had Drew in her arms and he had his head laid on her should and his own arms wrapped around her. You could tell they had both been crying and Laura knew that they were both upset but that what had happened was fixed. Drew lifted his head and placed a kiss on his Aunts check and motioned for her to let him down. Carmilla placed him on his feet but he held on to her hand as they walked into the living room.

 

“He’s okay now I don’t think I scarred him. I’m really sorry for freaking out like that I just panicked. I think Laura and I should head out but I promised him he could come over for a sleep over in a few weeks,” Carmilla sounded small and hurt.

 

“It’s okay Aunt Carmilla, we all get scared sometimes. I read that some times when he get scared it can make us angry.” Drew said. She couldn’t believe after everything, her genius of a nephew was trying to comfort her. She leaned down and gave him a kiss. They all said their goodbyes and Carmilla apologized again before they finally headed home.

* * *

 

 

The week had passed by quickly. Laura learned that she wouldn’t be doing any lecturing at all this semester and would be just sitting in on classes and attending meetings. She wanted to say she was disappointed but she honestly just felt relieved. She would be a lot less stressed considering everything else that was going on.

 

Carmilla’s week hadn’t been so easy. She had tried attempt after attempt to paint an original piece for the new museum exhibit, but she hadn’t been able to paint something of her own in over a year. Each canvas she had tried to work on ended up in the dumpster with some failed attempt at whatever idea she had tried that time. Laura had some up to the studio a few times to check on her but they both realized she wasn’t getting anywhere.

 

 

When Saturday came around Carmilla had woken up early and told Laura she wouldn’t be back until it was time for their date. That left Laura an anxious mess. She had no idea what to do all day while she waited around for 6 o’clock. She cleaned, went for a run, showered, cooked herself lunch, watched some cheesy lifetime movie and then laid around until she felt like it was finally a good time to start getting ready.

 

It was exactly 6 pm when there was knock at the apartment door. The knocking had confused Laura since this was their apartment there was really no need to be knocking. She opened the door and saw Carmilla standing there in a navy blue dress and light sweater. She handed Laura the flowers she was holding and Laura stepped back to let her in.

 

“You didn’t have to knock you dork, this is our apartment,” she said with an emphasis on the “our”

 

“Yeah but what fun would that be. Now put those flowers in a vase and lets get going we are on a schedule!”

 

Laura thought it was odd that she Carmilla had opted not to drive and called an uber instead. Not really something you do on a date but she was sure there was a reason. After a short car ride they pulled up to a small pathway between two brick buildings. The pathway was blocked off by a white picket fence covered in vines that made their way all the way up the buildings.

 

Carmilla opened the gate to the pathway letting Laura into the hidden area behind all the hedge. The path was lined with more hedges and trees that had little white lights dangling all the way down the path.

 

“I can’t tell if this is romantic or if you brought me here to kill me” Laura tried to joke

 

“Just come with me you weirdo” Carmilla grabbed her hand and guided her down the path until they reached an opening. The entire opening was enclosed by brick buildings and looked a lot like a secret garden. The same white lights from the path lined all the trees and shrubs. There were picnic tables and fountains along the walls Carmilla guided Laura to one of the huge oak trees that had grown in the very center of the garden. She guided her up the rope stair case to a balcony that was built into the tree like a tree house. It all took Laura’s breath away.

 

There were white lights hanging from the tree branches above them and candles along the ledge of the balcony. A picnic was set up with a blanket, wine, and a basket full of food. They sat down across from each other and Carmilla smiled at Laura as she took it all in.

 

“Carm, this is beautiful and amazing”

 

“We had our first date in the city here. We picked up some Chinese take out just around the corner from here and we were just waking around looking for somewhere to eat and we found this place. We came up here and you said that it should count as our first date night in the city. So I thought I would get take out and wine and we could eat up here”

 

“Well in that case I am a genius, cause this place is amazing”

 

Carmilla pulled the different take out boxes out of the basket while Laura popped the cork off the wine and poured two glasses. She understood now why Carmilla didn’t drive. They sat and ate and talked for over an hour. It was the most care free either of them had felt in months. There was no outside world that existed. Just the two of them together, sitting in a tree in some secret garden in the boroughs of New York City.

 

Carmilla checked her phone for the time and realized they had to get going to be on time for the second part of their date. She placed all the trash and decorations in the basket to be picked back up at a later time. They made their way out of the garden and down the street.

 

As they walked up to a small theatre Carmilla pulled two tickets out of her wallet and gave them to the usher. They made their way into the theatre and found seats in the middle section before the theatre had started to really fill up.

 

“What are we seeing” Laura asked.

 

“It’s an off Broadway production of A Chorus Line” Carmilla replied with a knowing smile.

 

“That was my mom’s favorite musical, she use to watch it all the time with me when I was a kid.” She paused for a moment and then realized something. “You already knew that though”

 

“Yes sweetheart I did. But you can retell me any stories about your childhood you’d like. I could never tire out of hearing them too many times” she said and reached over pressing a kiss to Laura’s temple. The lights had gone down and the introduction for the show had started. Carmilla found herself watching Laura enjoy the show more than the actual show. Laura had noticed a few times but she just reached over and laced their fingers together.

 

After the show Carmilla was quick to pull Laura towards to the subway station stairs a block over from the theatre. Laura was sure that there wasn’t more to their date after that but Carmilla said they had one more place to go.

 

One short subway ride, a stop at an Italian gelato shop, and another short walk later they were sitting in front of Columbus circle.

 

“Would you like to go for a walk m’lady?”

 

“Through Central Park? Isn’t it closed its late” Laura asked

 

"Park closes at one am and its eleven.”

 

“Lead the way then”

 

“You know we use to walk through different parts of the park once a week. You said that one day you would know every inch of this place. I told you that’s impossible given the fact that its 55 acres but you were convinced you could do it. So once a week we would come eat in the city and talk a walk while we ate ice cream.”

 

“Is every part of tonight’s date supposed to be sentimental?”

 

“Well yes, is that a bad thing?”

 

“No of course not, it’s sweet. I was just wondering. Is this the last stop or is there more?”

 

Carmilla laughed and stopped to look at her wife.

 

“This is the last stop, do you want to go home? Are you not enjoying it?”

 

“I am loving every minute of tonight. It was all very surprising and very very romantic. Thank you for this it was amazing.” Laura was all of a sudden nervous and looked down at her hands hanging between them. Carmilla reached up and brushed her hair out of her face. When Laura looked up she cupped her check.

 

“I’m going to kiss you now" Carmilla whispered above Laura’s lips.

 

“Okay” she let out before she felt her wife’s lips against hers.

 

They were standing in the middle of a walkway making out and neither of them cared who could see them or who was passing by. A few minutes passed before Carmilla pulled back and suggested they get a cab home.

* * *

 

 

Carmilla was fumbling with the key to their apartment as Laura peppered kisses to the nape of her neck with her arms wrapped around her waist. When she finally got the door open she threw her purse and keys on the table beside the door. Before she could turn around to look back at Laura she was being pushed up against the door with Laura’s lips on hers immediately.

 

Laura pulled back to take her sweater off and Carmilla took the opportunity to pick her wife up before she could take control again. She had made it to the hallway before she pushed Laura up against the wall. Laura’s legs were wrapped around Carmilla’s waist and her back against the wall as she left open mouth kisses on her neck. She pulled Carmilla’s head back by her hair and looked into her eyes.

 

Carmilla gave her a small nod and Laura nodded back. She knew she was asking her if it was okay to continue and when she nodded back Carmilla pulled back from the wall and made her way back to their bedroom. She dropped Laura on the edge of the bed and stood up straight unzipping the side of dress letting it drop to the floor.

 

Laura sat up in the bed looking at her in nothing but a bra and underwear. The only light in the room was coming from the moon and street lamps shining through the curtains. Carmilla rushed forwarded cupping the side of Laura’s face kissing her again. Laura laid back down and her wife leaned down following her never letting their kiss break.

 

Carmilla reached for the zipper on Laura’s dress.

 

“Is this okay?”

 

Laura nodded

 

“Are you sure?” She asked wanting to make sure she wasn’t going to second guess this.

 

“Yes, just take it of already”

 

Not having to be told twice she pulled the dress down Laura’s body and let it fall to the floor. She sat back on her knees and reached down to the waistband of her tights. She pulled them down slowly letting them land next to the bed. Carmilla leaned back down and places a chaste kiss to Laura’s lips. She looked into the hazel eyes staring back at her.

 

“I love you, Laura,” she whispered and Laura reached up and crashed their lips back together.

 

 

Sunday morning they had breakfast in bed and lay there chatting about the most mundane of things. For Carmilla it felt normal after months of uncertainty she could feel all her love for Laura finally return to the surface. For Laura it had started to feel like falling in love.

* * *

 

Carmilla had went up to her studio to give painting another go but instead found herself looking at some of her old pieces she had covered up with sheets. Memories had started to flood her mind and she made her way back down to the apartment. 

 

_“Honey I’m home” Carmilla said as she walked into their apartment after along day at work. She immediately spotted Laura in the kitchen._

_“Hey baby, how was work?” Laura asked while cutting up some vegetables._

_Carmilla walked up from behind her and wrapped her arms around her wife’s waist burying her face into Laura’s neck._

_“Hmm it was okay, but my day is much better now that I’m home. How was your day?”_

_“Pretty good just applied for a few jobs and cleaned up. But if you don’t stop distracting me I’m going to cut myself and a trip to hospital would really put a damper on my day”_

_Carmilla pulled back and Laura set down the knife and turned around resting her back on the counter. Her wife leaned in and kissed her properly._

_“So I wanted to ask you about something?” Laura said meekly_

_“Oh yeah? What’s up?”_

_“I know we’ve talked about it before but it was always more of an idea and not really a plan and I know that we aren’t quite yet settled into the best place in our careers but money isn’t a problem and we are both getting older-“_

_“Laura sweetheart you’re rambling’_

_“Right, um so I wanted to ask how you felt about us starting a family”_

_“Right now?”_

_“Well yeah I mean we’ve talked about it plenty we just never discussed when and we’ve been having Drew over every few weeks for a few months and I know he’s two and not really a baby anymore but it makes me wish we could have that all the time”_

_Without replying Carmilla picked Laura up wrapping her legs around her and made her way down the hall with Laura squealing and asking what she was doing. She dropped her down on the bed and started to undress her herself_

_“Carmilla Karnstein-Hollis what the hell are you doing?” Laura said exasperated_

_“You want to have a baby so I’m doing some baby making”_

_Laura laughed at her and pushed her away_

_“You’re a dork, we can’t make a baby by ourselves. But I’m being serious Carm. I really want this, do you?”_

_Carmilla sat down next to her on the bed and took her wife’s hands in hers._

_“Laura I would love nothing more than to start a family with you. And if we could make a baby on our own I would absolutely do it right now.”_

_She leaned forward taking her face into her hands and kisses her then pushing her back down on the bed straddling her waist._

_“We may not be able to make a baby on our own but we can practice right?”_

_Laura let out another squeal as Carmilla reached down and tickled her._

_Laura’s phone started ringing in her back pocket and she pushed Carmilla off of her to answer it._

_Carm watched as Laura answered the unknown number. The look on her wife’s face confused her and she started to worry when Laura started to look like she was going to cry. After a few minutes she hung up and stared at the floor not saying a word._

_“Laura baby what’s wrong?”_

_“Kate and Sam Vanderwall were in an accident. That was the hospital calling to notify us that we were listed as their next of kin in place of their two year old son and that we need to come to the hospital”_

* * *

 

 

Carmilla sat on the couch thinking about that day and how it had so dramatically changed their lives.

 

Laura emerged from the hall pulling her out of her thoughts.

 

“Hey do you know where my birth certificate is? I have to go to the DMV sometime this week and renew my license. I don’t even know if I remember how to drive”

 

“Uh I think they’re in an envelope in a box on the self in the closet. Should be labeled” Carmilla answered.

 

Laura walked into their closet and pulled a box down labeled ‘important stuff’ she figured that Carmilla had been the one to label the box. She said a large white envelope that looked full and pulled it out of the box. The first this she pulled out was a certificate that was in all French. She recognized Carmilla’s name on it and assumed it was her birth certificate. Behind it was Laura’s and stuck to it was another piece of paper. She carefully pulled them apart and seen it was another birth certificate.

 

Carmilla looked up and saw Laura standing next to the couch staring at a piece of paper in her hands.

 

“Did you find it?” Carmilla asked.

 

Laura looked up at her with confusion and anger in her eyes. At first she didn’t anything she just stared at Carmilla and then back at the paper.

 

“Carmilla, who is Alexander Vanderwall and why do we have his birth certificate?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh cliff hangers... don't kill me, eh?


	7. Truth, Bitter Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gonna get serious here for a minute. There is potentially triggering stuff in this chapter. Slightly graphic car accident details and mentions of loss and death. This is the darkest its going to get I can promise you that. No more dark tragic life events after this. I'm not saying it'll get happier cause love me some angst but it wont be as dark. remember what I said! I'm a romantic so it has to eventually end well right?? You guys were pretty upset about the cliffhangers so no cliff hangers this time but I don't think you'll be any happier with me. Leave your comments and questions I try to answer all of them. Dont be too cruel. It will get better... eventually. 
> 
>  
> 
> ps. thank you guys for reading and Happy Halloween

“Who is Alex, Carmilla? Drew knows who he is and you obviously know. So what’s going on?”

 

Carmilla felt frozen. She couldn’t think or speak. This was not a conversation she wanted to have especially with how well everything had been going. She just needed to figure out where to start.

 

“Laura, please just sit down,” she said in a voice barely above a whisper.

 

She placed the certificate down on the coffee table and sat opposite of Carmilla who wasn’t looking at her. She told herself she wasn’t going to ask about this because she knew it made Carmilla tense but there was some serious information her wife wasn’t telling her. Now she was angry and all rational thought had went out the window.

 

“Do you remember Kate Bennett?”

 

“Yeah she lived in the same dorm hall as me my freshman year at state”

 

“Well you guys were best friends when we met, you had went to the football game with her that we met at. She had been dating one of my roommates, Sam. Kate was raised by her grandmother and Sam didn’t really have much family. They got married our senior year and moved to the city the same time as us. They had a baby boy just after they moved. He was a few months older than Drew. About two years ago they were involved is a fatal accident. Their son was at home with a sitter. They had us listed as next of kin. Social Services gave us custody of their son Alex.”

 

“Carmilla” Laura paused not knowing if she should ask her next question. She could tell Carmilla was trying not to cry.

 

“What… What happened?”

 

“A year ago I had a huge gala event to go to for the gallery. It was the one-year anniversary and there were sponsors from all over coming to check out the artwork and the artist. You were supposed to be home before I had to leave so that someone was here with Alex. I tried calling everyone we knew to come watch him because you got held up with work and wouldn’t be home on time. We never took two cars anywhere so Alex only had one car seat and it was with you. I had been speeding a little because I was late and if I had been going to speed limit” Carmilla chocked out a sob and Laura knew where this was going and she wasn’t sure she wanted or needed to hear more. “I could have stopped on time I would have seen him but he just t-boned the side car and he was so small the belt couldn’t hold him in”

 

Carmilla was full on sobbing and Laura stood up wiping tears of her own away. She understood now why she panicked when Drew hadn’t buckled himself all the way. She understood why Will and Emily didn’t completely flip on her for yelling at their son. They all knew why she did it. And now Laura understood too. What she didn’t understand was why Carmilla never told her.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me before?”

 

Carmilla tried to control her breathing and stop herself from crying.

 

“We were both in the hospital for a couple weeks. I was fine just some internal damage. Alex was in a coma before he passed. There was just too much and they couldn’t do anything. You didn’t talk to me for weeks. We would come home and you wouldn’t even look at me. Eventually you went to stay with your dad. Around thankgiving last year you came home. Apologized for leaving and we went to therapy for a few months. Everything had gotten back to how it was before and then your accident happened. It’s like god telling me to stay away from cars or something I guess. I didn’t tell you because I thought you’d hate me again. That this time we wouldn’t be able to fix it because at least last time you remembered how much you loved me. This time I just... I don’t know”

 

Carmilla sat there looking at Laura pacing behind the couch. She stopped and attempted to say something but just stood there silently. After a few moments she spoke the words she knew her wife had feared most.

 

“I don’t know either. I think I need some time to think.” Laura said and she expected Carmilla to argue but she was met with silence. She grabbed her jacket and her purse and walked out the front door. No idea where to go.

* * *

 

 

 

**Laura (7:15 pm): Sorry I just walked out like that. I’d like to talk when I get home if you’re up for it.**

**Carmilla (7:17 pm): Of course.**

**Laura (7:18 pm) I’ve been at Julia’s I’ll be back soon.**

Julia’s of course. Carmilla thought to herself. She had spent hours trying to figure out where Laura would go she never though about her childhood best friend who also happened to be the woman she had walked in on a few weeks ago while they were doing yoga. Julia had been the longest friend Laura had and after the accident she didn’t see why she wouldn’t be the person Laura latched on to the most. She was one of the only close friends she could remember.

 

About an hour after Laura had texted her Carmilla heard the front door shut while she was folding laundry in their room. She was anxiously listening to the noises coming from down the hall. She had heard her take off her coat and shoes then open the fridge, and then silence. A few moments later Laura walked through their bedroom door. Her eyes were red and puffy like she had been crying. Carmilla was sure she had a similar look on her face. She didn’t even know how long she had spent crying after Laura left.

 

Carmilla put the rest of their clothes away while Laura sat down on the bed. Carmilla climbed up on the bed across from her waiting for Laura to speak her piece.

 

“I don’t want you to think that me walking out earlier was because of what happened in the past. Because yes that is beyond heart breaking but I can’t imagine what it was like for either of us to go through that and I don’t want to revisit it. However I walked out because it hit me that there are things like that, that are being kept from me. Not just from you but obviously my dad knows, and Will and even Drew. I’m sure there aren’t more crazy tragic life events like that but if there are I’d like to know.”

 

Carmilla just shook her head.

 

“What I want to say next is not me not wanting this or us so please don’t take it that way. I just had a lot of thinking to do and I want to be completely honest with you right now right here and I want you to do the same with me. Can we do that?”

 

“Of course Laura. Whatever you ask I’ll answer”

 

“Since the accident I have been trying to so hard to get back to this life that I had before. I have been trying to be the wife I was and the friend and daughter and Aunt. But I need to finally just figure out who it is I am and stop trying to be who everyone else remembers me as. I have fought with myself over the passed four months trying to just let everything be as it is and not think about it but I have to think about it. You have been amazing, and loving and caring and this isn’t me saying I don’t want you. Because if I’m being honest I do have feelings for you and I do care about you. But it’s because I care about you I need to do this for myself. I don’t want to teach. Not right now anyway, I don’t want to force who I’m trying to be every day.” Laura took a deep breath trying to form the right words to say what is she really wanted to get out. “I am going to go and stay with Julia for a bit and maybe try to find a regular old office job and maybe just explore who I am and what I really want because, Carmilla, I know we are all hoping my memory comes back but I can’t keep going on every day acting like I’m going to wake up and it’ll all be like it was. I need to start living my life again not trying to replicate it.”

 

Carmilla understood everything Laura had said. She knew what she wanted but for some reason she still felt so much confusion. Any other time she would have just let it go but they were being honest so she wanted to ask her questions just like Laura was going to want to ask hers.

 

“When you say you still want this, us. What does that mean in all this?” Carmilla asked trying to hold back her emotions.

 

“ You mentioned before that if I didn’t remember you’d try to make me fall back in love with you. I’m not trying to ask you to go win me over but maybe we can be friends for right now and see where that goes because I do feel something for you but right now those feelings don't take precedent. I’m sorry that is selfish and I know its not what you want but-“

 

“Laura, there are a lot of things that I want but I want you to be happy too. If space and time to figure yourself out is what you need then I can give that to you. I just need you to promise me two things”

 

“Okay, yeah”

 

“First I need you to always be honest with me about how you’re feeling. As my wife, as my friend, as a person. Second, promise me that with being honest we will still communicate and you won’t just drop off the face of the earth again.”

 

“Carm, we can talk everyday. Like I said I’m not going anywhere. I mean I am going to stay with Julia but it’s just because I need to know who I am outside of all this. I’m not pushing you out of my life by any means.”

 

“ I haven’t painted in over a year,” Carmilla admitted. “It’s like going through everything we went through last year just made my talent disappear or something.” Carmilla let out a shallow laugh.

 

“I’ve been having dreams about things that I can’t remember except in my dreams” Laura said causing Carmilla’s head to snap up. “I’m not recovering my memory, they don’t really know what it means I just thought since we were being honest I should tell you. I wasn’t really sure I wanted to tell anyone cause it’s not like its really progress but it’s something I guess.”

 

“It is something Laura.” Carmilla sighed and reached across the bed to grab Laura’s hand. “ Look, Laura, I’m not going to pretend you leaving, even if its just for a short period of time, isn’t going to hurt but I do want you to do what you need to do to feel like yourself. I’m not going anywhere and I hope that in the end you aren’t going to either.”

 

“I’m right here, Carmilla. I just think it’s time for me to stop waiting around and living this life I don’t remember and start living a life worth remembering. What we are trying to do right now isn’t fair to either of us. You see that right?”

 

“I do.”

 

“Can I ask one more thing?” Laura asked hesitantly.

 

“Anything.”

 

“What happened after the um… with Alex?”

 

“Well, after I came home from the hospital you had stopped talking to me, then you left. You stayed with your Dad for bit and then with Julia. It wasn’t until the holidays that you finally came back home that everything was put away. I was a mess while you were gone. I rarely got out of bed. It was a dark time for a lot of us. We decided that it was best to put away his things, most of the pictures-“

 

“Most?”

 

“Well there are a few in the hallway from family events. One’s we agreed to keep up after we had started going through therapy.”

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to pry by asking I just-“

 

“You want answers I get that, it’s just hard to think about. The guilt it still weighs on me. The cops said that even if he had been in the right type of seat with the type of impact it just... and the other drive was drunk out of his mind. I just…they said I was lucky to be alive but there wasn’t a moment for months and months after that I ever felt lucky. He was our responsibility, He was my responsibility, he was my son and if I just went slower I could have stopped ya know”

 

Carmilla was in tears again and Laura moved across the bed to hold her. Despite whatever had happened before between them afterwards there was no way that this her could blame Carmilla.

 

“Hey shhh it’s okay, listen to me. It doesn’t matter how I felt or acted before. I don’t blame you. What’s going on now with us, it’s not about that at all okay? You can always talk to me Carmilla. Always.”

 

Carmilla had tried to get her emotions in check so that they could finish their conversation. She sat there in Laura’s arms for a while longer milking over her words. It had been over a year and she knew it wasn’t her fault but the guilt and blame would never subside.

 

“There’s a photo album, um from last summer in the closet in the guest room. If you wanted to look at it.”

 

“Would you look at it with me? I just, I won’t remember and it’d be nice to have someone tell me about the memories.”

 

“Okay, yeah” Carmilla said.

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

Laura went to the living room while Carmilla had gone to get the photo albums from the guest room for them to looks at. She was sitting on the couch when Carmilla returned with two small boxes. Laura patted the spot next to her for Carmilla to join her. They had flipped through quite a few photos with Carmilla telling Laura stories. Most of them about the three of them. How hard it was the first few weeks they had Alex. Then happier memories, like when her parents came to visit and the sleepovers they would have with Drew.

 

“He was beautiful.”

 

“He was.”

 

“I know that we don’t have any particular beliefs about religion or what not but I know Kate did, and I’m sure that if there is something after this life that, he’s in a better place with his parents. Maybe that’s how it was supposed to be, I don’t know I just can’t bring myself to think negatively about anything these days.” Laura explained to Carmilla as she continued flipping through the pictures.

 

“No, I agree. It’s a thought I’ve had often. It’s helped me a lot with coping. Laura?”

 

“Yeah?” she responded looking up at Carmilla who was still sitting next to her.

 

“We’re gonna be okay right. I know you said you needing some space and time wasn’t about us, but I’ve spent most of the last seven years with you next to me everyday and any time you’ve been away it just, it makes me feel empty.”

 

“Carmilla, we’re gonna be okay. I promise this is more about me than anything. I can’t keep living life trying to fit into this role I know nothing about. I’m still going to be Laura, just Laura with a new job and maybe some different hobbies I don’t know” Laura let out a small Laugh and looked to see Carmilla smiling.

* * *

 

 

It had been two weeks since Laura left and Carmilla was trying to keep busy with work. Most nights she would eat out with coworkers or go over to Will’s. She didn’t like eating alone in the apartment. Her and Laura had met up once for dinner the first week she was gone and it had gone well. Laura had managed to land a few job interviews and the University was understanding of her reason for leaving. They had agreed to try and have dinner together once a week and here they were at the end of week two catching up with each other like they usually would.

 

“So Halloween is in two weeks do you have any plans?” Carmilla asked hoping she didn’t so she could work in her own personal angle.

 

“I honestly hadn’t even thought about it with everything going on.

 

“Well if you’re up for it I’m taking Drew by myself this year and I know we would both like to have you along.”

 

“Yeah, okay. That sounds fun just let me know what time and I’ll meet you guys wherever.”

 

“He’s going to be super excited.” Carmilla smiled feeling pretty good inside after thinking about asking Laura all day if she would want to come with them.

 

“How has he been?”

 

“Good he’s really liking school. He’s going to be an astronaut for Halloween. Big surprise there. I’m actually headed over there after dinner to watch a movie with him.” Carmilla shared hoping that maybe Laura would want to join them but she wasn’t going to push.

 

“I would totally join you guys if I wasn’t wiped out from being so busy this week. If you guys don’t have plans tomorrow night though, maybe we could do a game night? I miss him. I miss both of you.”

 

“We miss you too,” Carmilla said trying to be inclusive of Drew. She was sure he missed he aunt but Carmilla wanted her to know that she missed her too.

 

“So I interviewed for a good ole nine to five desk job this week. They said I’d hear something by the end of the week but since it’s Friday night I’m guessing I didn’t get it”

 

“Well that’s their loss. Maybe there’s something better for you ahead.” She said being supportive.

 

“Yeah, maybe you’re right. I mean I thought I’d really enjoy just going something basic like clerical work for a while. Not having to worry about remembering how to teach or years of education.” Laura let out a sigh.

 

"Hey, something will come around and I’m sure whatever it is will be a good fit.”

 

Laura gave Carmilla a smile from across the table. Carmilla smiled back as their waiter reached the table with their food.

 

* * *

 

 

Drew had fallen asleep half way through the movie they were watching and Carmilla had carried him upstairs and put him to bed. Will was hanging out in the kitchen when she made her way back down stairs. She hadn’t really told him much about what was going on between her Laura but she knew that he wouldn’t pry.

 

“How’s it going sis?”

 

“Just peachy, William, Your son didn't make it half way through Toy Story.” Carmilla replied sarcastically.

 

“Yeah, he doesn't really make it past 9pm these days.. Do you want to talk about it or?”

 

“I don’t know what to say honestly. She said she needed some time and some space to figure out who she is after losing who she became over the last seven years and I can’t blame her. It just scares me. She says she has feelings for me and she wants an us but I just can’t shake the feeling that this won’t end well between us. I know I almost lost her before but this. This is different, Will.”

 

“You gotta have faith. She’s had faith in you since the accident. You’ve got to have some too. It’ll all be okay. Just be patient with her.”

 

“ Thanks Will. I’m going to head out. Thanks for having me over.”

 

 

Carmilla and Will said their goodbyes and she headed home.

 

* * *

 

 

Laura was on the subway back to her friends place when she had gotten a late phone call form the company she had interviewed with earlier in the week. The woman on the other line apologized for calling so late but had just gotten in from a business trip on a delayed flight and wasn’t able to make the call until late. She informed Laura she had gotten the job and that she was needed first thing on Monday morning.


	8. The Leaving SOng

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A song i listened to on repeat while writing this was Let It Go by James Bay. Music is what inspires me to write over anything. It puts me in a creative mood. So if y'all follow the playlist you can get an idea of how I feel when I'm writing chapters especially when I add new songs. I will attach the link at the end. Also, when I started writing this chapter I had gotten to 900 words and was like wow I am not gonna get much more out of this and then all of a sudden there were 5000+ words. This was probably my LEAST favorite chapter to write. Things are going to start picking up a bit as we get into the final parts of this fic. Hang in there loves, there are better times ahead!! 
> 
> ps. I put off homework to publish this so comments and kudos are appreciated haha.

Over the next two weeks life had gotten pretty crazy for both Laura and Carmilla. Laura started her new job and despite the hours being nine to five the take home work made her feel like she had never left the office. Work for Carmilla hadn’t been crazy but dealing with all her own personal things had. She was looking forward to taking a night off and enjoying doing some trick or treating with Drew and Laura. Carmilla and decided to spend the day hanging out with her nephew and brother before she took him for the night. The night before Laura had said she would meet them at the apartment as soon as she got off of work to take Drew out.

 

The sun had gone down just after five and Drew was growing tired of waiting to go out. Carmilla had tried to call and text Laura multiple times with no response. Finally around seven she responded saying she had been held up at the office and was trying to leave as soon as possible. She had decided to just not wait knowing it was already getting late and her nephew wouldn’t last much longer the two decided to go on their own.

 

Around 9:30 Carmilla heard a faint knock at the door and got up from the couch to see who it was. Laura was standing in the hall outside her apartment still in her work clothes. She unlocked the door and opened it to let her in.

 

“Carmilla I am so sorry I didn’t mean to flake on you guys tonight I just had a bunch of deadlines for my boss to meet and I was trying to hard to get out of there” Laura pleaded looking at Carmilla who still had no expression on her face.

 

Carmilla turned to look behind her down the hall and then back to Laura feeling bad for her nephew more than anything.

 

“It’s not me who you own an apology to Laura. As upset as he was you didn’t show. We didn’t make it more than a block before he said his feet hurt and he was tired. He was out like a light before nine.” Carmilla explain to Laura a little annoyed at the entire situation.

 

“Well, would you mind me staying here tonight? I’d like to be here when he gets up in the morning. Maybe spend the day with him?”

 

“Yeah I’m sure he’d really like that. He’s asleep in my bed, you can sleep in there and I’ll take the guest bed.”

 

“Carmilla, you know that’s nonsense. We can share the bed, it’s plenty big and you know that. Look if you’re mad at me I don’t know what else to do or say other than sorry.”

 

“I’m not mad, honest. I’m tired and I have to be up pretty early tomorrow so we should just head to bed.” Carmilla said and then proceeded to leave the room. Behind her Laura rolled her eyes and followed her back to the master bedroom.

* * *

 

Carmilla and Laura had both fallen asleep quickly with Drew fast asleep between the two of them. Laura had felt like she had just fallen asleep when she heard a noise coming from the bathroom. When she turned over she saw the bathroom light on and assumed Carmilla had needed to get up in the middle of the night. A few minutes later she heard the front door shut and shot up out of the bed. Drew was still fast asleep next to her but Carmilla was gone. She reached for her phone and saw that it was just after 4:30 in the morning. She unlocked her phone and searched through her contacts before falling on Carmilla’s. She hit the call button and listened to it ring waiting for the line to pick up.

 

 

“What Laura?” Carmilla said bitterly over the phone.

 

“Where did you go its nearly five in the morning” Laura replied confused.

 

“I did say I had to be up pretty early. I had originally intended to take Drew home this morning with me but you wanted to spend the say with him so I didn’t wake him. Look I’m about to get on the train I’ll text you when I’m on my way back. If it gets too late I’ll let Will know to go pick up Drew I gotta go”

 

Before Laura could reply Carmilla had hung the phone up. Laura knew Carmilla said she wasn’t upset but she was acting extremely weird and she couldn’t help but feel it was her fault. There was no way she could fall back asleep now. Her thoughts were racing with where Carmilla would have to be at five am on a Saturday. Her mind had gone to some extreme places in trying to find a logical reason she would be up this early. Laura thought maybe she would just tell her when she got back home and was in a rush so didn’t tell her this morning. She hadn’t realized how much time had passed when Drew started to stir.

 

 

Drew asked for pancakes for breakfast and feeling like she owed him big time, Laura happily obliged. They cooked together and then decided on a movie. The rain outside made for a great pajama day on the couch. The movie was nearing its end when Laura heard her phone start to ring. She got up from the couch and picked it up off the counter seeing Will’s contact name on the screen.

 

“Hello”

 

“Hey Laura I’m gonna swing by and get Will soon if you’re ready for me to pick him up?”

 

“Uhh yeah sure I mean we aren’t doing much just watching a movie. Carmilla isn’t here.”

 

“Yeah she sent me a message saying she wouldn’t be home until late and didn’t want you to be stuck there all day with him incase you had somewhere to be”

 

“Oh, well I don’t have any plans but if you and Emily want to come pick him up I’ll have him ready to go soon.”

 

“Thanks Laura”

 

“Hey Will?”

 

“Yeah?

 

“Do you know where Carmilla went this morning? She just kind of up and left really early”

 

“Oh, um, not sure why she didn’t tell you but she had a meeting with some people in a different time zone so she had to be at the gallery early”

 

“Oh okay. Well I’ll go ahead and get him ready to go”

 

“Thanks see ya soon”

 

Laura hung up and informed her nephew his parents were on their way. He got ready while Laura picked up their mess of blankets and breakfast in the living room. No more than an hour after he called when Will walked through the front door.

 

“So Carmilla isn’t back yet?” Will asked looking around for any sign of his sister.

 

“No, have you heard from her since we talked cause she hasn’t answered any of my texts”

 

“Don’t take is personal she’s had some weird stick up her ass since Thursday and she wont tell me what it is but don’t worry. She swears it has nothing to do with you and I believe that if it did she would tell me. I have a feeling its work related.”

 

“That actually does make me feel a little better. I got stuck late at the office last night and couldn’t make it to go out with them and I thought she was pissed at me about that. I thought she’d be angry with me needing space but it seems like she’s been okay about that. Can’t help but feel like it does ya know?”

 

“Yeah I get it. Look Laura I’m just going to say this now cause Carm won’t. Ever. I love you like a sister and I always will no matter what it is you decide to do but that’s the thing. I understand you needing this time and space and I support you completely. Doesn’t mean I’m not scared for you and my sister. She would wait for you until the end of days, and right now that’s what she thinks she’s doing is just waiting until you’re ready. I’m not saying that isn’t the case but if there is any doubt in your mind that you may or may not want to have a life with her. You need to tell her. Before everything you guys were it for each other. Anyone who knew you two knew that. There wasn’t another person or thing in this world that could keep you two apart. That’s still the case for her. Things have changed on your end and Emily and I get that especially Emily with all her doctor logic but at the end of the day, if there are doubts, they should be addressed before this starts to hurt you two more than it already has.”

 

Laura understood exactly what Will was saying and she wanted to argue and say that there weren’t doubts and this was it for her but instead she held back her tears and nodded. Will reached over to hug her letting her know it was going to be okay.

 

After Will and Drew left Laura showered and changed into another pair of pajamas. She had thought about braving the weather and heading back to Julia’s but if Carmilla wasn’t going to be home until late there was not reason for her not to hang around for awhile longer.

* * *

 

 

She was looking for something to eat for lunch when she started to absent-mindedly cleaning up the kitchen. She was sorting through mail throwing away junk and keeping what looked important. One larger envelope she picked up had multiple stamps and a return address in a language she wasn’t sure of. She opened it and realized the letter too was in, what looked like French. Laura knew enough to understand the jist of conversations Carmilla had with her parents. She tried reading through the letter catching a few words that she knew. Words like job, partner, art, and Carmilla’s name a few times. Before she could try to make anything of it realization dawned on her.

 

Laura didn’t learn French until after she had met Carmilla. She dropped the letter on the floor gripping the counter to stable herself. She remembered? She thought to herself. She didn’t understand how or why the few words of French out of everything but she was pulled out of her thoughts when she hear her name.

 

Carmilla had walked into her apartment and saw Laura standing in the kitchen grabbing the kitchen counter like she was going to pass out. She asked that was wrong and kept saying Laura’s name until she looked up at her.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t hear you come in.” Laura explained still not looking at Carmilla.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, I uhh. I just forgot I promised I would meet Julia for lunch and I have to go. Thanks for letting me stay” Laura rushed out grabbing her purse and jacket leaving without saying anything else.

 

Carmilla walked into the kitchen not questioning Laura’s weird behavior and noticed the letter on the floor she picked it up recognizing what it was. At first her stomach dropped thinking Laura had read it but realizing Laura didn’t remember any French given that she had taught her upon taking her to meet her parents for the first time. She put the letter back in its business envelope and let the thought go.

* * *

 

 

The following week Carmilla and Laura hadn’t talked much at all. Replies to texts were hours apart and contained no real conversation between the two. When Friday came around Carmilla wasn’t surprised that Laura had text to cancel their weekly dinner. She spent the night with her brother’s family instead and tried not to think too much about it. This new job Laura had was supposed to just be regular clerical work. Faxes and copies and answering phones for some publishing editor but with the end of the year approaching and all these deadlines Laura was expected to be at the office just as long as her boss.

 

Carmilla knew first hand how business worked. She preferred the artistic side of her job but the last year or so had been more business for her than anything. So she understood, but it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt the obvious distance growing between them.

 

When the following week had went the same with little contact and ending with Laura cancelling again she decided to grab some food to go and take it to Laura’s office. They had agreed that through all of this they wouldn’t do exactly what they were doing. She figured her boss couldn’t be to mad someone was bring her employee food when she was keeping her late.

 

Carmilla had made her way through the busy Friday night streets of Manhattan and walked into what was just another skyscraper in a city made of concrete giants. She looked at the directory for Laura’s bosses name. When she spotted it and the coordinating floor she made her way up in the elevator.

 

The doors opened and she made her way down a long hallway lined with offices behind glass doors and windows. She saw a few lights on at the end of the hallway. As she approached she could see a few figures sitting around each other talking. When Carmilla was close enough she recognized Laura. Sitting on a desk laughing at something the woman sitting in front of her was saying. There was a man with them too. While the woman was older and clearly Laura’s boss the guy sitting beside them looked like he was in his twenties. They were all chatting and laughing. Carmilla saw the empty pizza boxes on the desk next to Laura and felt disappointment sweep through her. She stood watching them enjoy themselves for a few more moments before turning to leave without ever letting Laura know she was there.

* * *

 

 

 

The following week had gone a little better with the holiday approaching. Carmilla and Laura had talked everyday and Laura even showed up on Wednesday at their apartment with take out and some cheesy movie for them to watch. Laura told Carmilla how bad she had felt about cancelling the past couple of weeks but that they had gotten all their early deadlines met and that she would be going home to her dads for the week of thanksgiving. She tried to not let her disappointment show that they couldn’t be spending the holiday together.

 

 

Thanksgiving morning Carmilla headed over to Will’s first thing. She sent Laura a text wishing her a happy holiday. Things had been going much better after the first two weeks of the month had been weird between them. Laura had planned to head back into the city the next morning to spend the weekend with Drew and Carmilla.

 

When Carmilla pulled into her brothers drive way she noticed a car she didn’t recognize. This morning she had spoken with Emily on the phone about coming early to help cook but she had never mentioned anyone else attending thanksgiving with them other than the four of them. She walked through the door and recognized the man walking down the stairs immediately.

 

“Dad??”

 

“Hey sweetheart, Surprise!” her father let out a laugh and embraced his youngest child in a hug.

 

When the rest of her family had heard her father say surprise they made their way into the foyer to greet Carmilla. Will had known his parents were coming to visit for the holiday but with everything Carmilla was going through they thought that she would like the surprise of her parents flying into the states.

 

After Carmilla and Will had graduated from high school and their grandmother had passed away their parents decided to return to Europe. Once a year they would fly out to France to see their parents and once a year their parents would make a trip to the states.

 

 

“So we have some good news to tell you” Carmilla’s mother announced after they had eaten dinner and cleaned up.

 

“We have decided to renew our vows and have a party after the New Year for family and close friends. It’ll be in Cannes and we are covering airfare for all of you so don’t even think about negotiating with us. And Carmilla darling, that includes Laura.”

 

“Mother I don’t think-“

 

“Non-negotiable, Carmilla” Her mother interrupted.

 

Carmilla proceed to agree with her mother feeling the stress of the situation take over her. She sent Laura a text letting her know she had some interesting news for her. About an hour later Laura replied intrigued but agreed to wait until they were together again. Carmilla’s parents explained they would be flying out at the beginning of the week and wanted to take Drew out for the weekend. She didn’t argue that she had already made plans with Laura and Drew she just sent Laura another text explaining the situation.

 

 **Carmilla:** My parents are keeping Drew for the weekend so rain check I guess?

 

 **Laura:** We can still do dinner if you want? There is something I need to talk to you about as well.

 

 **Carmilla:** Sounds good to me. See you tomorrow night.

 

Carmilla waited for a reply but never got one. She put her phone away and spent the rest of the evening not worrying about what ever it could be Laura needed to talk about and instead enjoyed the time she had with her family.

* * *

 

 

 

There was a faint knock at the door before it opened revealing a very drenched Laura still in her work clothes. It had started storming pretty bad that afternoon and although Carmilla and told her they could reschedule she insisted that it was fine.

 

“Hey, so I’m going to go change into some dry clothes here are the things you asked for from the store” Laura said placing a bag in the counter and retreating to the bedroom. A few minutes later she was back in the kitchen helping Carmilla whip together the last bits of dinner. They sat on the couch and ate their dinner together while deciding what to watch when the storm knocked out the electricity.

 

“Just fantastic” Carmilla said sarcastically getting up to light some candles.

 

“Ehh I’m sure it wont be out too long.” Laura tried to lighten the situation.

 

When Carmilla finally sat back down she let out an exasperated sigh gaining a weird look from Laura.

 

“So my parents are renewing their vows and you are not just invited you are actually expected to me there. Mandatory. Non-negotiable. If you wish to rebuttal I wouldn’t even try. My mother gets exactly what my mother wants.”

 

“Carmilla I can’t afford to fly to France”

 

“Ahh see that’s where mother pulls her own little strings so she makes sure everything goes according to her plans. She’s already made arrangements for everyone. Airfare, hotel, everything. And it’s after the New Year so the time off shouldn’t be too difficult to get.”

 

“I guess you’re right. I could use a vacation after how crazy everything is about to get at work.”

 

“So what did you need to talk to me about?” Carmilla asked changing the subject trying to hide her nerves.

 

“Right. Well Will and I had a talk awhile back and with work being so crazy I just haven’t had time to really sit down and think about things but I did this week and I just really need you to understand I would never do anything to hurt you”

 

“Laura, you’re scaring me what’s going on?”

 

“Carm, I care for you. I love you. But not the same way you love me and I know that you would wait for me for years if that’s how long it took for me to get to a place where I’m comfortable in life to think about a romantic relationship. And I can’t let you do that. I can’t sit here not knowing how long its going to take me to finally be in a place to handle that on top of everything and it hurts me to drag you along all of this with me. You deserve to go out and live your life just like I am without worrying about coming back to whatever this is at the end of the day. Having to deal with the uncertainty of me. I won’t allow you to” Laura had started to cry and she had gotten up from the couch to distance herself from Carmilla. She couldn’t imagine the pain she was causing her but if it was anything like the pain she felt she knew that she was probably breaking inside.

 

Laura choked out a sob into the silence that sat between them. She had full on expected Carmilla to freak out and argue with her which was going to make her feel worse but instead she looked up and saw her just staring. She was sitting there silent with a broken expression not saying a word.

 

The lights came back on and they both looked up still not saying a word. Laura wiped the tears from her eyes and grabbed her coat.

 

“I’m gonna go the electricity might go back out and the subway would be down again and god Carmilla would you just fucking say something!” Laura was almost yelling.

 

“Does this mean you want…” she trialed off unable to even finish the sentence.

 

“I think that… I think that right now that would be best for both of us” Laura finished knowing what she was implying

 

“Speak for yourself. It’s what’s best for you but you know what you’re right. I would sit here for as long as it took until you were ready. We were already working on things before you decided you needed space and I understood that but why did you make me feel as though months from now we would be back to where we were.”

 

“God Carmilla did you actually think we would get back to where we were? I lost seven years of my memory and in that was every single thing I knew about us and about you and I have tried for months to be what everyone else wants me to be. My feelings towards you were never false. I do love you Carmilla but its not the kind of love you have for me and the longer we pretend like this is going to work out the harder it will be for the both of us and more hurt we will end up. So yes I’m leaving and I cant apologize enough for doing all this to your life but I wont continue to.” Laura had slammed the door before Carmilla could even argue back.

 

She didn’t know what she felt. Anger? Fear? Heartbroken? Before she could even think she picked up the phone and dialed the number that was left at the bottom of the letter she received. She left a short voice mail with her reply to the offer she was given in the letter and then retreated to her room.

 

Later that night when all of her emotions had started to settle and she felt less on edge, Carmilla finally felt herself break. Laying in bed sobbing into her pillow she knew that this was it for them. Never once did she imagine that their marriage would end. There was no one she had even loved like the way she loved Laura. But love just wasn’t enough this time.

* * *

 

Monday morning came quickly and as much as Carmilla had wanted to spend her days moping around in bed she had to pack. Over a month ago she had received a letter from an art institute in Paris about a teaching job and partnership with a huge art retailer in Europe. At first she didn’t even think twice about the offer. Sure it was the offer of a lifetime but her life was here in New York and she had no interest in leaving it behind.

 

However they were persistent in trying to get Carmilla to at least come and teach workshops and talk about a partnership. She had multiple Skype meetings with them over the past few weeks and she had started to grow irritable with her. She knew it was the cause for her anger towards everyone else. When she called and left a voice mail it was in the heat of the moment. An action out of spite and anger but now she couldn’t retract it. She had tried to get on the same flight as her parents back to France but was unable to get a seat last minute.

 

She was sitting in the airport thinking about the conversation she had with will the night before. She told him about the offer, why she had been so irritated, the fight with Laura, and finally her decision to go. Will’s main concern was Drew. Carmilla knew that her nephew was capable of properly working his father’s iPad and could call her whenever he felt like it. She was only going to be gone weeks at a time. This wasn’t a Permanente move. But she tried to not lie to herself about the possible outcome this could all have.

 

If she liked the job she would be able to manage the gallery with a partner in New York and still teach in Paris. There were a lot of decisions to make and that pushed any martial problems to the back of her mind.

 

Carmilla of course couldn’t just leave Laura high and dry without telling her what was going on. She figured after their fight she wouldn’t take kindly to a call or text so Carmilla send her flowers with a letter to her office.

 

She was boarding the plane when she saw she had a missed call from her wife. She contemplated stepping aside and give her quick call back but instead turned her phone off and put it in her purse. She had a nine hour flight to look forward to she didn’t need any conversation with Laura to haunt her thoughts the entire time.

 

Laura had tried calling Carmilla on her lunch break at work. She knew the flowers were from her but couldn’t bring herself to read the letter while at work. The thought of possibly letting the water works go while in a professional setting didn’t bode well with her. Instead she waited until people had started to file out at the end of the day. She grabbed the envelope from her purse and opened it leaning back in her office chair taking a deep breath before opening it.

 

 

_Dear Laura,_

_I’m going to keep this short for both of our sake, I don’t want to have to rewrite this from crying and I’m sure you don’t want to cry at work. So here goes. I wish you nothing but the best in your personal journey to find a place for yourself in life. No matter what we are I will always be here for you. You have been and always will be the love of my life. What I am to you, I hope, at the very least is a friend. This is not something that I want but I can not deny your wishes any further it would only continue to hurt both of us. I apologize for my recent standoffish behavior. I was offered a job in Paris and I was battling internally my decision to pass on it. Instead I took it. I’m already sitting on a plane probably half way there by now. The apartment still belongs to the both of us. Please don’t hesitate to stay there if you feel comfortable. It is still your home. Also Drew and Will and Emily will under any circumstance will always see you as family. Don’t shut them out because of what we are going through. I wish you the best of luck with your work and your personal endeavors. I’m always a phone call away._

_Love Always,_

_Carmilla Karnstein-Hollis_

 

 

Laura picked her phone up out of her bag and immediately called will.

 

“Did she really just leave?”

 

“Yeah, she came by and told us last night. She quit her job at the museum and temporarily appointed her partner her position at the gallery”

 

“Will.” Laura paused listening to the silence over the phone.

 

“Laura, I know what you’re going to say next. Just know we love you and Drew will continue to want to see you and we have no problem letting you take him for a night here and there. I would have never imagined you two getting a divorce, but if this is what you want or need. We’ll just always be here okay.”

 

“I love you, Will”

 

“Love you too, Laur. You should come by this weekend for dinner. I think Drew is already starting to mope. Having you around might help”

 

“I’ll be there. Friday at seven”

 

“Friday at seven” Will replied and then hung up the phone.

 

Everything had happened so fast after life had felt like it was going by slow. She spent months and months of hanging in limbo not knowing where she was going with life. Now she had a job she enjoyed despite the crazy hours, she was slowly remembering bit of her past, and despite the looming divorce, she still had family. Where she was going next she had no idea but on her walk home she couldn’t help but wish that in the end she’d be okay with Carmilla.

 

Laura dialed the number to her doctor’s office and made an appointment with her neurologist. It was time to tell someone what had been going on. Her memory improvement was anything significant but remembering things like how to speak French, the day Drew was born, and even a few memories of Alex were pretty important.  Things were definitely going to start to change.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are my fav things to see in my email so please let me know what you think. I try to respond to as many people as I can. Below is the link to my tumblr and spotify playlist for this fic! Give it a listen if you'd like. I dropped the rating on this from E to M cause this didn't at all go in the direction I had originally planned way back in June. 
> 
> commanderoftondc.tumblr.com
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/tamerasaul/playlist/3zqoZa0zAAEZ1bGHfN4zhv


	9. I Gathered Up the Avenues, and Left Them on Your Door Step

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO MANY THINGS SO MANY!!!
> 
> Okay first let me just put a disclaimer here. I am not a doctor. I am a fiction writer. EVERYTHING in this fic is pure fiction. Second this Chapter is also sad. VERY SAD. But its the last sad chapter for awhile I PROMISE. So you can yell at me if you want its okay. I get it. Third if you are not reading Lockdown's Eventually series you are missing out like HARDCORE. In fact do not read this update until you have read that series. Sorry my updates are so spaced out college blows and takes up all my time. An important song for this chapter is Manhattan by Sara Bareilles. Check it out. I've said this before but my inspiration comes from music. That was the song i listened to 50 times while writing this. Sorry if this chapter seems a bit rushed. I didn't enjoy writing it because I am so ready to write the next few. Good things to come! Please comment with your feedback I love it! Even if it scares me a little haha. THE FLASHBACK IN THIS CHAPTER IS LAURA'S ( Say whatt???) Without further ado, the saddest chapter that ever did chapter....
> 
>  
> 
> ps. I always start writing and think this chapter is gonna be like 2000 words and then I end up at 5200 and im like wtf? so i hope i didnt ramble on about nothing!

_Mid- December_

Carmilla had been teaching a beginning workshop for art students for almost two weeks now and for the first time in over a year painting didn’t feel like a burden. Her work schedule wasn’t very demanding and the hours were few which left her with plenty of personal time. Of course she spent this time asleep in her hotel suite or exploring the city. She had ben spending her weekends in the south of France with her parents. It was nice to have them close again. She had made sure to also video chat with her nephew multiple times a week.

 

She had learned that Laura had been spending a lot of time over at their house and had even been taking Drew each weekend. The feeling was bittersweet. While she was happy Laura was spending time with Drew it still stung a little knowing that she wasn’t there with them. She hadn’t spoken to Laura but once right after she had gotten to Paris. She had an email from Laura wishing her the best and thanks for the letter and flowers.

 

After her Friday afternoon workshop she decided to stop by a small craft store and pick up some brushes and paints for herself. She hadn’t painted anything freely in so long she doubted her ability to still do it. She had set everything up on the balcony of her hotel room, which looked out over the east side of Paris. It was a bit warmer than usual for a winter day and some of the snow had melted. It wasn’t too cold that she couldn’t set out for a bit and paint.

 

It hadn’t been more than an hour when she started to feel the temperture begin to drop again and gathered all of her things and returned inside proud of what she had managed to paint. She had thought maybe, just maybe taking this job was just what she needed.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Friday evening Laura had headed over to Will and Emily’s to pick drew up for the weekend. Although Carmilla had told her she could have the apartment to herself she had only been spending the weekends there with her nephew. She had gotten out of work early to meet with a lawyer at the courthouse and was able to head out to pick up her nephew before it started to get dark.

 

“Hey Will” Laura announced as she walked through the front door.

 

Moments later she could hear someone barreling down the stairs and fly around the corner. Of course it was Drew with some kind of paper hat on his head and behind him was Emily sporting a very familiar paper hat.

 

“Aunt Laura we’re playing aliens!” Drew exclaimed placing his own hat on her head as she crouched down to hug him.

 

“Of course you are buddy, thanks for the hat” Laura stood up as he ran back up the stairs to grab his over night bag.

 

“How was your meeting at the court house?” Emily asked

 

“Everything on my end is taken care of” Laura replied hesitantly

 

“Do you think she’ll do her part?”

 

“I honestly have no idea. With her being out of the country I know it’ll be awhile before she even sees them but there’s no rush I guess. This isn’t being done because I’ve gone and fallen in love with someone else. I just can’t keep expecting her to go along with this”

 

“I get it, I do. You don’t have to defend yourself to us, Laura. We love both of you”

 

“Well I am going to take this munchkin and head out of here, you guys have a good weekend and I will have him back on Sunday after lunch” Laura told Emily as they headed out the door.

* * *

 

 

After a home cooked dinner, their regular sleep over festivities of games and movies Laura and Drew had decided to climb into bed. Teeth brushed, pajamas on and the bed turned down, Drew snuggled up to his aunt as she read to him.

 

“Can we read Aunt Carmilla’s favorite one tonight?” Drew asked looking up to his Aunt who sat behind him.

 

“Sure buddy do you know what one it is?” she asked. Drew took the book of poems and started flipping through pages trying to find the poem he was looking for.

 

“ I found it!” Drew exclaimed after flipping through pages for a few minutes. “ Can I read this one? He asked.

 

“Sure thing, bud”

 

Drew cleared his throat to be dramatic causing Laura to laugh and pull him closer into her as he started to read.

 

“I opened my eyes

And looked up at the rain,

And it dripped in my head

And flowed into my brain,

And all that I hear as I lie in my bed

Is the slishity-slosh of the rain in my head.

 

 

I step very softly,

I walk very slow,

I can't do a handstand--

I might overflow,

So pardon the wild crazy thing I just said--

I'm just not the same since there's rain in my head.”

 

“You did a good job buddy,” Laura said after he finished reading the poem.

 

“Aunt Carmilla told me it’s her favorite cause sometimes when you love someone your brain gets all full of rain and its just sloshy and nothing makes sense” Drew tried to explain to Laura.

 

Laura smiled and turned the page to read the next couple of poems. When she realized he was long asleep, Laura reached over to the bedside table placing the book down and turned off the light. She lay there for a while listening to the slow breathing of her nephew sleeping next to her. She had thought about the poems they read and imagined she couldn’t remember anything because of the rain in her head, and imagined it would disappear as she fell asleep.

 

Around two in the morning Drew woke up and pulled the covers off of himself and slipped out of the bed while Laura continued sleeping next to him. He padded down the hallway to the living room where is backpack was and pulled out the iPad his dad allowed him to bring with him. Drew crawled up on the couch and pulled his knees close to him to balance the tablet on them as he searched for the app he needed. When he found it he pressed the call button and waited for his Aunt to answer the other end.

 

Carmilla could hear her phone going off on the nightstand next to her bed around eight am on Saturday morning. It was her day off and she had no interest in waking up early to talk on the phone. When the ringing had stopped and started up again she groaned and turned over to check to see who it was. Will’s name flashed across the screen and she had no idea why her brother would be face timing her in the middle of the night. She slid the bar across the screen to answer the call and when the call connected a smile formed on her face.

 

“Andrew William what are you doing up so late?”

 

“I miss you” Drew said and his smile started to fade.

 

“Awh buddy it’s almost Christmas and I’ll be home to open presents with you guys”

 

“You promise” he was almost crying and Carmilla couldn’t bear to see him so sad.

 

“Of course I already have my plane ticket and everything. Did you call me this late because you couldn’t sleep?”

 

“Yeah, I woke up and Aunt Laura was sleeping and I just really want you to be here with us. I don’t like your new job” His expression turning from sad to angry.

 

“Well since I cant be there right now, how about you go lay down and I’ll read to you until you fall asleep” Carmilla had tried to persuade him into going back to bed.

 

Drew made his way back to the bedroom where Laura was asleep and he climbed up onto the bed trying to not disturb her. He used one of the pillows to prop up the iPad as he laid back down looking at his Aunt who was also still in bed as well. Carmilla had started to tell him a story he had never heard before as he quickly started to fall back asleep. Before Carmilla could finish Drew was fast asleep, and she was about to hang up the call when she heard Laura call her name. She looked back to the screen and saw Laura reaching over Drew to pick up the tablet.

 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you” Carmilla apologized.

 

‘”No, its okay. I’m assuming Drew woke up and called you?”

 

“Yeah he’s not too happy about me working so far away. I’m glad you guys are spending time together on the weekends though.”

 

“Me too, he’s probably the best part of my week” Laura said with a yawn looking over at the time on the clock.

 

“I’ll let you get back to sleep. Take care Laura”

 

“You too, Carm” Laura replied and the call ended before either of them could respond again.

 

Laura laid back down pulling Drew in closer to her knowing how much Carmilla being away was affecting him. She would be lying if she didn’t admit that it was also affecting her too.

* * *

 

 

As much as Carmilla had come to love living is Paris she knew there was really no city like New York. Adjusting back to speaking English proved to be a bit tricky when she hailed a cab form the airport and had momentarily forgotten where she was. She was searching for her keys to her apartment in her bag as she walked down the hall. Just as she pulled the keys out to put them into the lock the door to the apartment swung open surprising both her and Laura who was walking out.

 

“Oh my god I’m so sorry I didn’t know you were going to be here,” Laura explained.

 

“Um yeah I wanted to be home for the holidays. Sorry I should have told you I just thought you were only staying here on the weekends.”

 

“Oh yeah I am, I just stopped by to grab a few things”

 

“Gotcha” Carmilla said awkwardly still standing outside of the apartment. Laura had noticed she was still just standing there and apologized and moved out of the way so Carmilla could finally walk into the apartment.

 

“So uh have a goodnight,” Laura awkwardly suggested.

 

“Yeah you too” Carmilla replied as they were now standing opposite.

 

Laura looked awkwardly at Carmilla and waved then made her way down the hall to the elevator.

 

“Well that was weird as hell,” Carmilla whispered to herself as she placed her bag on the couch and took her coat off. The time difference was already getting to Carmilla and she knew she would have to sleep off the jet lag. She poured herself a tall glass of wine and looked for something quick to eat before heading to bed early.

 

While waiting for food she put in the oven Carmilla started to sort through all of her mail from the passed couple of weeks. She tossed a bunch of junk mail and credit card offers she didn’t need before finally getting to the bottom of the pile. There laid a manila envelope that didn’t have any postage on it. She pulled the tabs together so she could open it. As she pulled the papers out she immediately regretted opening them. Across the top on big bold letters read:

 

**Supreme Court of New York County of Bronx Action for Divorce**

Carmilla dropped the papers down to the counter and leaned over placing her head into her hands out of frustration. She wasn’t surprised Laura had dropped them off here for her to find whenever she had come back but it didn’t mean it hurt any less. She slipped the papers back into the envelope. Carmilla sat alone and ate dinner then finished off the bottle of wine. Placing the papers into the paperwork slot she had next to the door, she whispered Merry Christmas to herself and headed off to bed.

* * *

 

Carmilla woke with the light shining through the blinds in her room and her cell phone going off. She turned over and answered without even looking to see who it was.

 

 

“Carmilla its Christmas morning and your nephew is going to be awake soon so you better have your ass here and dressed when he does wake up” Will said.  Sounding rather irate over the phone.

 

Carmilla jumped out of bed and told will she was on her way before hanging up and running to get dressed.

 

She walked through the front door just as Emily was carrying Drew down stairs.

 

“It’s Christmas morning and he’s so tired you have to carry him?” Carmilla asked in shock

 

“He tried staying up as late as he could so he could sneak and see Santa. Will and I caught him still awake around two am so I’d say he won’t be too spirited for awhile” Emily explained as they both walked into the living room.

 

“Laura?”

 

“Oh hey, Merry Christmas” Laura replied timidly unsure of Carmilla’s demeanor as she walked into the kitchen.

 

“She stayed the night to help us with cooking and to help Santa. Will said when he spoke with you after you landed you sounded tired so we just let you get some sleep” Emily said hoping Carmilla wasn’t upset Laura had stayed the night.

 

“Oh yeah, seven hour difference definitely got to me. I’m really glad you guys had someone to help out though.”

 

“Mom can we open presents now” Drew interrupted rubbing his eyes and walking over to the tree.

 

“Yes present time! Everyone around the tree” Emily motioned trying to diffuse the tension.

 

Everyone took turns opening up presents from each other before Will and Emily let Drew open up his Santa presents. Emily had asked Carmilla and Laura to sit next to each other to open up a present her and Will had gotten for the both of them, which confused the pair considering they both knew that they were separated. They tore open the box together and pulled out a little onesie with a super cheesy “ I love my Aunts” tag line on it.

 

“Oh my god you’re pregnant?” Laura blurted out before Carmilla could even figure out what was going on.

 

“Yes, three months. We wanted to wait to tell everyone.”

 

“I’m so sorry I probably just ruined you guys telling Drew!” Laura started apologizing.

 

“Oh no don’t worry we told him right away.”

 

“Wait, he knew and he didn’t make a peep. Pretty good at keeping secrets there bud” Carmilla said pulling him into her lap.

 

“Drew why don’t you give your aunts the presents you got them”

 

Drew jumped off Carmilla’s lap and looked for the gifts he had wrapped under the tree. He handed them to his aunts and they both unwrapped the identical presents he had made for them. Both held a ceramic frame with the same picture from their day at the zoo together.

 

“So there is a funny story about those frames.” Will said. “So about two weeks ago we get a call from Drew’s teacher. We thought he was in trouble, which was extremely uncharactistic of him. The teacher starts telling me about how they were making picture frames in class for everyone’s parents as presents. Most of the kids picked Christmas themed shapes to do but Drew said he wanted to make a star. So the teacher gives Drew a star shaped cookie cutter and leaves him to do his thing. Well when everyone had to go and turn in their frames so the teacher can take them home and finish them. Drew’s is just a circle with painted swirls on it with the square in the middle for the picture. And the teacher asked him what happened to his star shape. Drew tells her it is in the shape of a star. She contests and said that it was shaped like a circle. And my genius son then tells his teacher that real stars in space are not shaped like the cookie cutter she gave him but are shaped just like our planet is. The teacher called me to let me know I have a very intelligent son and that we would be receiving a circle shaped star frame for Christmas. Emily went to the craft store and got some supplies so he could make another one to match.”

 

Carmilla irrupted in laughter and tickled her nephew while the rest of the room was full of smiles. The rest of the day went on in good spirits with holiday movie marathons and everyone stuffing their faces with lots of food. Laura had left just after noon to head to her fathers for their family dinner. Carmilla and Drew had fallen asleep on the couch while her bother and his wife cleaned up from dinner.

* * *

 

Carmilla had gotten home later that night ready to hit the hay when there was knock at the door. She definitely hadn’t been expecting anyone. She opened the door and Ben Hollis was standing there in the hallway with a present and a pie in his hands.

 

“Ben what are you doing here I thought you guys had a family dinner?”

 

“We did and after dinner Laura headed back to the house to get some sleep and I headed out here to see you. We missed you at our dinner table tonight.” Ben said as he sat down in the living room with Carmilla.

 

“How’s Paris been? Laura said you seem to be really loving it.”

 

“Oh yeah it’s been amazing. Colder than New York this time of year but it feels good to be painting again and it’s been a nice break.”

 

“That’s good to hear. Look I wanted to come see you not just because I missed you but also about what it is here Laura is doing”

 

“Ben” Carmilla started but he stopped her.

 

“Look Carmilla I know I’m her father and so by default I’m suppose to be advocating for her and telling you that I’m on her side but in this case I’m just not. When Laura’s mom got sick I had never seen her so broken. She just has a natural lively spirit and even after she had stopped grieving that light in her was never fully restored. Then she got her heart broken and she struggled for a while in school. It wasn’t until she came home for Christmas just two weeks after she met you, that for the first time she just seemed like Laura. No loss or broken hearts or stress from school. She was beaming and after Alex she was down again but once you guys had worked things out she was fine. I loved Laura’s mother more than I will ever love anything in this life other than Laura herself and I still don’t think that will ever come close to the love that you have for her. So no, I don’t think you should sign the papers. Not right now anyway. Life can be so shitty, and it throws things at us we don’t think we can handle but the funny thing about life is that it always has a way of working things out too.”

 

“Thank you, Ben. I don’t even know what to say. I’ve been trying to act like this isn’t happening honestly. I just keep trying to distract myself. I know we need to sit and talk about things but I don’t think that’s what Laura wants and I’m just trying to give her the space she said she needs. So I’m not gonna do anything right now but just try and figure out my job situation and let her do her thing.”

 

 

“I think that’s a good plan. You’re family Carmilla and you always will be and I don’t want to lose you and I know deep down Laura doesn’t either. Just be patient.”

 

“I’m trying” Carmilla said leaning over embracing Ben in a hug.

 

“What do you say we go eat some of this pie before I head back home”

 

“Sounds like a solid plan to me” Carmilla said wiping the tears from her face and taking the pie to the kitchen.

* * *

 

 

New years eve had come quickly for Carmilla. She had spread herself pretty thin between time with her family, catching up at the gallery and packing things up around the apartment. The offer she had been given before the holiday break was one she knows she shouldn’t pass up. It would do things to her career that she couldn’t even imagine. But there was her life here in New York too, a life she really never had any intention on leaving behind. She knew for now that she wouldn’t be returning so she made the decision to have most of the stuff in her apartment packed up and stored in her studio. This was she could rent out the space while she was away.

 

Will showed up late in the afternoon to pick her up for their family festivities they had planned for New Years. He was helping Carmilla move the last few things and mark some boxes before they headed out.

 

“So does this mean you’re taking the job offer?” he asked

 

“I don’t know yet. They gave me until Mid-February to give them an answer. That’s when the spot will be open. For now I’ll be interim and I think I’m just going to try to take it one day at a time. But there’s no use in having all my stuff sitting here when Laura isn’t staying here and I have no idea when I’ll be back.”

 

“I get it. I don’t know if I could pass up that opportunity either but no matter what  decision you make you know I’m gonna support you.”

 

“I know Will. That’s why you’re such a great brother” Carmilla said with a little sarcasm.

 

“Hey I’ve always had your back okay.”

 

Will and Emily had invited a ton of people over to their place when the forecast had called for a heavy snowstorm to set in that evening. So instead of hitting Times Square and clubbing everyone was bundled up inside watching the performances on TV and drinking. Drew had taken a late nap and was excited to be hanging out and staying up with his Aunt on her last night before returning to France for work. Drew was sitting on her lap while Carmilla was talking to one of his parent’s friends when he had asked for her attention.

 

“What’s wrong monkey?”

 

“Aunt Carmilla, why aren’t you and Aunt Laura together anymore? Is it because of your job or are you guys getting a divorce?”

 

“Andrew William Luce where do you hear that word from?” Emily had jumped in before Carmilla could answer him.

 

“Shane said his mommy and daddy were getting a divorce and that he had to live in two houses,” Drew explained hoping that he wasn’t in trouble.

 

“It’s okay Emily I got this.” Carmilla said hoping Emily would understand that she wanted to explain the situation to him.

 

“So you know how Aunt Laura had an accident?” Carmilla asked and Drew nodded in acknowledgement.” Well she forgot a lot of things and right now she’s trying to figure out some adult things because she can’t remember all the things she forgot while she was asleep. And I got a new job so we have to spend some time apart. Maybe one day we will be together again and maybe one day we wont. But we aren’t getting a divorce okay bud?” Carmilla kissed his forehead hoping to reassure him.

 

“My mommy and daddy aren’t ever gonna do that are they?”

 

“No little man, they will be together forever and ever.”

 

“Okay good” Drew said letting out a sigh like he had been stressed about the situation causing Carmilla to let out a laugh.

 

Shortly after the count down Carmilla took a sleeping Drew up to bed and tucked him in. She quietly woke up him to say goodbye. She tried her hardest not to cry when he sat up to hug and kiss her.

 

“I hope you can come home soon and be with Aunt Laura” Drew said, as he lay back down half asleep.

 

“Me too buddy, me too”

 

Carmilla shut his bedroom door and headed back downstairs to say her goodbyes to everyone else before heading back home.

 

 

 

 

She stood in front of the wall length window staring at the lit up Manhattan skyline. She remembered the day that her and Laura and checked out this spot. The day Laura had decided she didn’t want to live anywhere else. The view itself was enough to want to live there. Carmilla remembered all the nights they sat at the dining table together watching the sunset behind all the buildings as they talked about their days and made plans. It seemed like another lifetime at this point. Laura had fallen in love with everything about this city; The parks, and hole in the wall food spots, the nasty subway, and the growing art scene. And Carmilla, had fallen deeper in love with Laura. No matter where life took her, that skyline, this city, it would all represent the life they had made together. Laura had made the decision to find her own path; Carmilla thought maybe this was her chance to do the same. If she was going to do it, she was wanted to do it quietly.

 

* * *

 

 

Laura had woken up early after a night out for the New Year to head over the apartment so that she could talk to Carmilla. She had wanted to on Christmas but it hadn’t seemed right. She wanted Carmilla to be the first one to know , aside form Julia, that she was starting to remember things from the years she had lost. Although the progress was slow, each day had proven to be getting better and better.

 

“Hey Jules would you mind hang around in case this doesn’t go well” Laura asked her friend who had offered to give her a ride.

 

“Yeah just shoot me a text”

 

Laura headed up to the apartment key in hand not sure if she should knock or just walk in. She opted for just walking in but she was met with boxes and furniture covers. She pulled her phone out and dialed Will’s number immediately.

 

“Will what the heck happened to my apartment?”

 

“Did Carmilla not tell you?”

 

“Tell me what?”

 

“She got an offer from some CEO of some international art exchange. The guy who owns like a million galleries all over the world including the university Carmilla has been teaching at. They offered her the President position of their talent acquisition department. Said they haven’t seen someone with an eye for talent as young as her before and she would be an asset to their company. She hasn’t decided if she’s taking it yet but she was just going to rent out the apartment since you aren’t staying there and she isn’t sure when she will be back in the states. I’m sorry I had no idea she didn’t tell you.”

 

“Thanks for telling me. I’m guessing she’s already gone?”

 

“Yeah, she had the earliest flight back this morning.”

 

“Alright. Thanks Will” Laura said hanging up the phone and taking a deep breath trying to take in everything before her. She shot her friend and text to go ahead and come up. She figured she’d go through her things and see what she wanted to take while she was there.

 

 

“Hey I remember this” Julia said holding up a framed photo. The same one Laura had taken notice of the first night she came back here after her accident.

 

“You do?”

 

“Yeah a bunch of us rented out this huge beach house for a week after we all graduated. It was like our last hoorah before going off into the adult world of corporate life or grad school. It was probably the best week of my life thus far. I took a ton of photos that week. Carmilla had looked through them and asked for a copy of this one.” Said Julia handing the frame to Laura.

 

Laura looked at the picture again. Carmilla had been spinning Laura around by her waist in the water. They were both laughing as the sun was setting. She had looked at this photo so many times but this time it was different.

 

_“Laura this little hunt for shark teeth is useless there’s nothing but broken sea shells,” Carmilla complained as Laura continued to look in the water as the tide went back in._

_“Carmilla you promised you would help me look and you’re just standing there complaining”_

_“Oh you want to hear complaining?”_

_Before Laura could respond Carmilla splashed water at Laura soaking her._

_“You’ve asked for it now Karnstein”_

_Laura ran at Carmilla trying to push her into the water but Carmilla jumped out of the way grabbing Laura around the waist with one arm spinning her around before they both fell into the water._

_“Now my jeans are soaked!” Laura complained Carmilla just sat there staring at her._

_“What is there something on my face? Why are you looking at me like that?” Laura asked wiping her face off and looking back at Laura who was now standing in front of her soaked from the waist down._

_Carmilla pushed a strand of wet hair from Laura’s face._

_“I love you,” she admitted just above a whisper._

_“What” Laura said quietly in disbelief._

_“I said, I love you,” Carmilla stated with more confidence trying to hide her nerves._

_“I love you too. Oh my god, I love you too,” Laura said urgently grabbing the back of Carmilla’s head and pulling her into a kiss._

“Earth to Laura” Julia said.

 

“Hey sorry it’s just… I remember this.”

 

“You think these memories are coming back from like things that trigger them?”

 

“Must be. This one though. This one is different. You took this just moments before we said I love you for the first time”

 

“I never knew the story behind it. That’s kind of cool and I’m kind of awesome,” Julia said trying to joke but clearly seeing that Laura didn’t even bother to register what she said. “Does this change things, Laura? Remembering this?” she said more seriously.

 

Laura looked up at her unsure. “I honestly don’t know. I don’t”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos and super appreciated and fuel my mood to write! Please direct your questions to my tumblr where I will happily reply!
> 
> The poem in this chapter is Rain by Shel Silverstein
> 
> commanderoftondc.tumblr.com
> 
>  
> 
> Playlist for this fic (and my inspiration)
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/tamerasaul/playlist/3zqoZa0zAAEZ1bGHfN4zhv


	10. Help Me to Make Up My Mind, Wouldn't That Save You?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two updates within a week? Crazy talk! I actually got an extension on all my finals so I took the day to write you the longest chapter this fic has seen yet. Like almost twice the size of any other chapter. This is a big shift in the plot that kind of happens very quickly. There is very little angst because I don't think I would live to see another day if I gave y'all 9k words of angst haha. Thank you all for your kind (and somewhat harsh) words. I am so glad so many people are enjoying this fic and I am enjoying writing it. Please continue to leave your feedback and thoughts. :) 
> 
> song title from the song Save You By Matthew Perry Jones. 
> 
> ps. I laid awake in bed after two cups of coffee last night and managed to think up the entire plot for a new fic so that will be coming to you soon after we say goodbye to this one.

With the New Year in tail Laura found her workload had decreased considerably and she had a surplus in personal time. Her boss had been letting her go home early and some days letting her have the entire day off. This gave Laura the bit of confidence she had been looking for to ask for the week off that she needed to attend the Karnstein’s ceremony in France that Carmilla’s mother had paid for. Carmilla had at one point told Laura that that was just how her mother worked and there was really no way out of it. She had even mentioned that if she couldn’t get the time off her mother would probably be making some phone calls. Laura found that pretty intrusive and Carmilla was quick to agree.

 

Since the new year they hadn’t spoken much and although Laura had all this new free time she hadn’t really been spending as much time at Will and Emily’s. She was honestly starting to feel a little guilty. She knew she should have communicated with Carmilla better and she was really hoping that Carmilla would make an effort to talk to her before taking this permanent job in Europe.

 

If Laura was being completely honest with herself remembering things was starting to get pretty complicated. She hadn’t told anyone but Julia still and she knew it was time to tell her Dad. On the other hand some significant memories about Carmilla had started to surface and it was like having these huge epiphanies over and over again. Some so overwhelming she felt like someone was ripping her heart apart. She imagined this was what Carmilla was feeling when Laura hadn’t remembered who she was at all. While she hadn’t magically just remember the love she had for her wife, she had to admit to herself that with each day she was feeling more and more heart broken about the last few months.

 

A week before she was suppose to be leaving she had finally heard back from her boss that she would be granted her vacation time despite having only been with the company a few months. Laura was both excited and nervous. One thing she had managed to remember was Carmilla’s parents, she was nervous because no one knew she was remember things and she wasn’t sure how to break that news yet.

 

 

Laura was standing in front of a terminal screen looking at the map of the airport trying to find the departure gate on her boarding pass when she heard someone calling her name. She turned to find Emily walking towards her in pajamas with a coffee in hand.

 

“Hey we weren’t sure you were going to come you’ve been kind of distant lately” Emily said sounding like she had just woken up.

 

“Yeah, I’m sorry” Laura said sounding genuinely apologetic. “So I assume we are on the same flight?”

 

“Yup, Lilita made sure of that”

 

“Of course she did” Laura laughed following Emily back to the gate where she assumed Will and Drew were.

 

“Nice travel attire”

 

“Ah yes, I worked a shift at the hospital and Will picked me up on the way to the airport so I went with jammies. They’re comfy to travel in and I will be using this long flight to get some much needed sleep.”

 

“It’s a perfect eight hours for you”

 

“Yeah I think you and I are next to each other and Will is sitting across the aisle”

 

“Wait why?”

 

“The first class cabin only has two seats per rows.”

 

“First class?” Laura said giving Emily a look of disbelief. International tickets were already expensive; first class must have been ludicrous.

 

“Yes, first class. Money is one thing the Karnstein’s are not short of. Wait until you see the estate Lilita’s mother left for her in her will. That’s where they moved to after Will and Carmilla had gone off to college and her mom passed. They’ll be having the ceremony and the reception on the grounds.”

 

“Wow, how did I not know any of this beforehand?” Laura joked as they finally reached their gate. Laura had spotted Will sitting in a chair reading a book but no Drew in sight.

 

“Where is Drew?”

 

“Oh Will  flew to Cannes last weekend to help his father with some business matters and took Drew with him. Since we pulled him out of public school and started homeschooling him we decided he could stay with his grandparents for the time being.”

 

“Will flew to France and back last week. Jeez I really haven’t been around. I’m sorry” Laura apologized.

 

“Hey no worries, we’ve been pretty busy too.”

 

That had made Laura feel guilty because she hadn’t been busy at all. The three of them boarded their flight and had gotten settled in just in time for take off. Due to the amount of coffee both Emily and Laura had neither of them really actually managed to fall asleep during the first bit of the flight. When an hour or so has passed Laura decided she need to girl the hell up and do what she had been thinking about all morning.

 

“Hey Emily”

 

“Yeah” Emily said pulling her attention from the book in front of her.

 

“I need to tell you something. Mostly because you are family and you need to know but also because I need advise”

 

Emily put the book down and turned herself towards Laura letting her know she had her undivided attention.

 

“So last fall I started having these weird dreams about people and places that I didn’t know but they were still familiar. It was like dreaming about people I had met and places I had been but didn’t remember and it was actually pretty insane. Then I was at the apartment one day and I had picked up a letter that was on the counter that was in French and I started reading it.” Laura paused for a moment not entirely sure how to proceed so she did the best she could.

 

“That was the first time I had realized that I remembered something that I had forgotten after the accident. Since then I’ve  started to remember things. A lot of things. Most of them come when the memory is triggered just like you would remember something when you looked at a picture or heard a song. Others I just remember out of nowhere.”

 

At this point Emily’s mouth was hanging open and her eyes were wide like she had just seen the craziest thing in the world happen in front of her.

 

“So yeah…” Laura said waiting for a response.

 

“Okay that’s quite a bomb to drop there Laura” Emily said and chuckled making Laura feel a little bit better.

 

“So what is the advice you need?”

 

“How do I tell Carmilla? I don’t want to upset her because I haven’t told her yet but obviously she needs to know”

 

“Umm Laura?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“With you’re memory recovery, have you uh. Have you changed your mind about the divorce? I mean you did get those papers nearly two months ago and I am assuming a lot has changed since then.”

 

“It’s so complicated”

 

“So explain it to me. We have nearly six more hours of sitting here doing a whole lot of nothing.”

 

“I wasn’t feeling any different about the divorce until the day Carmilla had left New York again. I came across this picture. And then I remembered the vacation we had taken and it was the first time we said I love you. So that kind of pushed me to rewatched some home videos. I thought I was a mess the first time I watched those videos. The second time around was even worse but for an entirely different reason. The first time I felt so terrible for having to put Carm through all this. Being married to someone who didn’t even know who she was. But this time it was like remembering all the happiness and being heartbroken because I hadn’t remembered how much love and happiness was there. It’s a lot of emotions to just all of a sudden have about something. I don’t even know how to begin to explain it. I’ve been wishing I could have started remembering all of this when we were trying to be us again; I just couldn’t bear to feel like I was dragging Carmilla around. Now I just wish I could talk to her. I wish I could go back in time with what I know again now. I don’t remember everything and I can’t honestly say I’m in love with her but the more I remember the more I feel like myself again. The more everything starts to make sense.”

 

“You know it’s not too late”

 

“What if it is though? What if she took this job? What if she’s already started to move on?”

 

“Laura I think everyone knows she hasn’t even started to move on and she would decline this job if it meant having you back”

 

“That’s the whole point though I don’t want to hold her back from things like this”

 

“Oh Laura, That’s marriage sweetheart. You’re not holding her back and you never were. I get why you thought you were but making sacrifices and making those choices together is what a marriage is and if that love is there and you want the same things then there is really no need to make it any more complicated than that. Stop thinking so much and start letting your heart talk. I think you’ll find you’re a lot happier and less stressed.”

 

“Thank you, Emily”

 

“Of course, that’s what sisters are for” Emily said nudging Laura in the side.

 

“ Uhh one last thing”

 

‘What’s up”

 

“Don’t tell Will yet?”

 

“About what?”

 

“Seriously, about what we just spent an hour talking about”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about”

 

Laura paused for a moment and then realized what Emily was doing. She was glad she was able to confide in her. She needed to talk to someone who was close to both her and Carmilla and she finally felt confident enough to talk to her. Just a few more hours until they landed and she was sure she was ready.

 

Pulling up to the Karnstein’s estate, which Laura had earlier found out, was originally the Thomas estate. (A very common French last name apparently) that had been in his mother’s family for over two hundred years and had been home to generations with many different surnames over the years. If seeing the estate hadn’t made Laura feel like her life was a movie, then the man in a suit opening the door for them and carrying their bags in definitely did. Emily had whispered in her ear to try not to feel weird about it.

 

“Bonjour maman” Will said hugging his mother who had met them in the foyer.

 

“bonne soirée mon fils” Lilita replied hugging her son. Laura was trying to keep up with the French they were exchanging but had decided to stop listening when it got a little too complicated for her. Lilita had made sure to welcome Laura in English (thank god). They had been talking about something that lost Laura’s interest. When she was looking around to take in the gorgeous home she was now standing in she saw a small figure running down the hall to her left.

 

“AUNT LAURA” Drew yelled as he ran as fast as he could into her arms.

 

Laura crouched down with open arms picking up the young boy in a hug.

 

“Hey bud, how have you been”

 

“So good” Drew replied exaggerating his words.

 

“Um where is Carmilla?” Laura asked to no one person but hoping her mother would answer.

 

“Oh yes, ma fille” Lilita said her face turning into concern. “She’s come down with some type of flu. Came home with it at the beginning of the week. She took work off and has been here hoping to recover before the weekend. No such luck yet. Drew darling why don’t you show Laura to where tante is staying.”

 

Drew shook his head and took Laura’s hand leading her up some stairs and down a few halls. Laura had found herself unable to keep track of where Drew was leading her but was glad his genius toddler brain knew where they were going. Drew brought Laura to a door at the end of one of the halls and told her he wasn’t allowed inside while Carmilla was sick. Laura gave her nephew a kiss on the cheek and thanked him for his help before he ran off again. She shook her head not knowing how a four year old could know how to navigate his way through this maze of a house.

 

Laura gave the door a light knock and opened the door seeing the room was dark with a little light coming from a break in the curtains. The room was gorgeous with a large bed against the far wall and art covering each of the walls. She could see why this would be Carmilla’s room. Laura could see a figure beneath the duvet.

 

“Carm?” Laura said just above a whisper incase Carmilla had been asleep.

 

“Maman?” Carmilla asked sitting up her eyes half lidded.

 

“Not quite” Laura said closing the door behind her.

 

“Laura?” She said a bit more chipper.

 

“Bingo sweetheart” Laura joked approaching the side of the bed.

 

“What are you doing here”

 

“Well I was invited silly.” Laura continued with her antics hoping it would cheer up Carmilla who clearly wasn’t in a good state. She was nasally and her face puffy with red eyes and a very tired look on her face. Laura sat on the side of the bed brushing hair out of Carmilla’s face.

 

“You shouldn’t be in here I’m gonna get you sick”

 

“I’ll take my chances” Laura said feeling Carmilla’s forehead with the back of her hand.

 

“You’re warm. When was the last time you had some medicine?”

 

“Lunch time” Carmilla replied.

 

“Well it is definitely dinner time now. I will text Emily and ask her to come check you out and bring something up with her. I’m gonna stay with you if that’s okay?”

 

“I would like that” Carmilla replied quietly obviously falling back asleep. Laura felt terrible that Carmilla was feeling so terrible especially during such an exciting week.

 

Laura was playing a game on her phone when Emily had finally come up with a bag full of medicine and medical supplies. She should have known the doctor in the family would carry all of that with her. Emily woke up Carmilla and asked her a few questions about symptoms and took her temp before giving Carmilla few meds and left to being them both back some dinner.

 

Carmilla had gone to shower while Laura looked for something to watch on TV, to no real avail. Nothing was in English and even though Carmilla had told her there was Netflix she had zero idea how to even access it. When she finally emerged from the bathroom, Carmilla had looked quite a bit better than when she had first woken up.

 

“Looks like the medicine kicked in”

 

“Yeah I feel quite a bit better but I think its just treating the symptoms not the sickness. I still feel tired and icky,” Carmilla said crawling back into the empty side of the bed.

 

“So want to tell me what possessed you to come and get in my bed when I am disease ridden. Last I checked I wasn’t exactly your favorite person”

 

“Carm, don’t be like that”

 

"Like what Laura, you left divorce papers on my kitchen counter and then never even sat down to talk to me about it while I was in New York”

 

“Well I want to talk about it now okay” Laura replied with a bit of agitation in her voice. She knew Carmilla wasn’t the one to be angry at here but she couldn’t help project when she was already starting to feel like she was to blame for everything that had for awry in their marriage. Before either of them could reply one of the kitchen staff had knocked and entered bringing them both dinner since Carmilla was in no state to be joining her family at the dinner table. Laura had initially felt like it was rude not to attend herself but Lilita insisted it was fine.

 

“Merci monsieur” Laura said as the gentlemen rolled a cart to the end of the bed.

 

“de rien, n'importe quoi d'autre?” the gentleman has asked the two if they needed anything else.

 

“Ce sera tout” Laura replied letting him know that was all they needed and he left them alone.

 

When Laura had looked back up to Carmilla she looked like she had seen a ghost.

 

“Did you?” Carmilla asked not knowing how to finish her question.

 

“Like I said we need to talk” Carmilla just shook her head clearly in a state of shock from witnessing Laura speak the French that she herself had taught her. Something she taught her almost two years after they had been together.

 

“It was wrong of me to not communicate better with you about how I was feeling and what I wanted. I know that we talked but we never really had lengthy conversations about what was going on and I was selfish about what I wanted and I thought I was being more self less and trying to not hurt you anymore but I think I just ended up hurting the both of us. I feel terrible for not discussing the divorce with you like an adult and handling it like a coward. I think things got so weird between us so quickly that when I started to remember things I was terrified to tell you. I’m still kind of scared because when I’m done rambling right now I have no idea how you are going to react but you have to know that everything isn’t just back to what it was and I have a lot of progress to make still. That’s if I even keep remembering things I am so scared one day its just gonna stop and I only get to have piece of my life back.” Laura stopped realizing she was crying and Carmilla had laced her fingers with her.

 

“What do you want this to mean? Explain everything to me. It doesn’t have to be right now but you’re right we need to talk and I think I would like to get it out of the way before this weekend.”

 

 Laura wiped the tears from her face and tried to gather herself before starting again. She didn’t want to ramble off she wanted this to be a two sided conversation. One thing at a time she thought.

 

“ I want to start by explaining what I have remembered and what it means to me” Carmilla nodded her head and listened to nearly the same story Laura had told Emily on the plane. About the letter and the pictures, the wedding videos, even a few things about Alex. She knew Laura didn’t elaborate on that because she had remembered the pain it had brought both of them.

 

“For me this isn’t like some magical movie moment when I suddenly realize I remember everything and we are madly in love again and I run to you and it’s like nothing ever happened”

 

Carmilla laughed and although Laura knew it was funny she scolded her.

 

“So you remember the significant events in our relationship, and you are starting to not only remember but also feel all of the emotions that those events held”

 

Laura nodded her head knowing how crazy it sounded.

 

“Okay, well I don’t know where to go from here and I’m sure you don’t either but I need to know what it is you want or what you’re comfortable with.”

 

“Laura looked down at the space on the blankets between them. They were both sitting across from each other on the bed and she looked up at Carmilla who was waiting for her to reply and it wasn’t until she had looked into Carmilla’s deep brown eyes that she had even the slightest idea of what she wanted. It seemed simple but nothing in her life had been simple as of late.

 

“I want us to try to be how we were after the accident. And I know that’s confusing but I think skipping the walking on egg shells awkward phase we went through but maybe not jumping into the sleeping with each other thing might be a good place to start.”

 

“Laura we only had sex once before you kinda freaked out on me and moved out”

 

“Yeah I know, but I think that weird middle place where we had started to feel comfortable with each other was a good place right? Oh my god I feel like I’m just confusing both of us trying to explain this.”

 

“Okay how about I give it a try.”

 

“Okay”

 

“How about instead of trying to go back to being in some weird phase we were before you even remembered who I was. How about we try to start in a place where you don’t feel overwhelmed but I don’t feel like my wife wants to divorce me”

 

Laura cringed a bit at that last bit but she understood a little better. There was no way to explain where they wanted to be without it being confusing or weird.

 

“How about we just take this day by day and see where we land,” Laura suggested thinking that was probably the best thing she had thought of thus far.

 

“Okay one day at a time” Carmilla agreed.

 

“Now on to the next part of what needs to be discussed”

 

“Carmilla looked confused”

 

“I know a lot of this all started because I was feeling like I was holding you back and dragging you through my problems but I also don’t want you to pass up this opportunity what ever it is, here. But I also really love my job in New York and I don’t know where to start there. I know you’re going to say you’ll pass up the offer if you haven’t already taken it but I can’t let you do that if its going to further your career”

 

“Laura, I think that’s a decision we would have to make together after talking about the details of the offer which are still a little up in the air.”

 

“Oh” Laura said a little confused.

 

“I thought that the lines were black and white with the offer but there’s a lot about it I didn’t know. And yes it would do things for my career I couldn’t even imagine and the pay would be more than I would know what to do with but there is a lot more I want out of life than some crazy art career. I was happy with my gallery in the city and being on the board at the museum. I would go back to it in a heartbeat. But for right now I have to finish out my short-term contract I signed here. And maybe that’s good for where we are. I don’t think either of us jumping back into living together is going to fix anything.  So for now how about we treat each other as friends.” Carmilla wasn’t sure about where she was going with this but there was no way she wanted to push Laura too far and end up losing her for good. The past three months had already felt like the end and if Laura was starting to fall in love with her again she was going to take it as slow as possible.

 

“Friends” Laura let the word hang between them before nodding her head and holding her hand out to shake Carmilla’s

 

“God you are so weird, cupcake” Carmilla said shaking Laura’s hand like they had just made a weird business deal.

 

“So what is this mysterious job offer?”

 

“The company that hired me is actually a web of companies that buy and sell a multitude of art pieces. Including owning some of the biggest art exchanges in the world. They have so many different departments within the companies it would be impossible to keep track if you tried. I personally don’t. I’ve been teaching workshops and going on trips to check out potential partners. I have seen some crazy talented kids in the short time I have been here. The position they wanted to offer me would basically be like a talent scout. I would find artist who could potentially be assets to the company in different mediums. I would basically be responsible for starting peoples careers.”

 

“That sounds like a lot of responsibility to me”

 

“It would be. But there gray areas about it. Is there are hundreds of people who already do this for the company and they get relocated all the time. Most of them are married to their careers. That’s never been a life I wanted and I was almost going to sign my name in the dotted line. I went into the business side of art for this reason. To do what this job is offering me. Discovering talented kids out there that might otherwise be over looked. But I never imagined I’d have to sign the rest of my life over to do it. They assured me my position would much more tame. I’d be located here and not all over the place and my hours would be consistent but nowhere in the contract is that stated. I have until the tenth of February to decide”

 

“Carm that’s less than two weeks away”

 

“I know. I’ve got a lot to think about I guess.”

 

Laura noticed that Carmilla was starting to get tired again. She hadn’t even realized how late it had gotten. They had been talking for hours and the early start to her day was getting to her.

 

“Excuse me sweetheart I think the medicine has worn off and my dinner didn’t settle well”

 

Carmilla made her way quickly to the bathroom and Laura could hear her throwing up. She had almost forgotten Carmilla was even sick while they were talking. Whatever Emily gave her seemed to do some serious good for the few hours it had worked.

 

When Carmilla exited the bathroom she had started to look a lot like she had when Laura first walked in on her.

 

“I should probably go find someone who is still awake and see where my bags were placed and where I’m sleeping at.”

 

“Laura” Carmilla croaked out slipping under the covers.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Emily brought your bags up for you hours ago.”

 

Laura looked around the room and spotted her bags next to the closet.

 

“When did she?”

 

“You were pretty busy stuffing your face to notice when she came in. You can stay here for tonight and we can find another room for you in the morning. I’m sure everyone is already asleep. But if you’re not comfortable I can show you a room down the hall”

 

“No you need to stay in bed and one night won’t hurt”

 

“Aww thanks, I can feel how happy you are about that”

 

“I didn’t mean it-“

 

“Laura I know you didn’t. Now hurry up and turn the lights out so I can go to bed.”

 

Laura changed into pajamas in the bathroom and climbed into bed next to Carmilla who had put some movie on.

 

“I thought you were going to bed?”

 

“I am but I forgot I started this earlier and fell asleep and now I want to finish it. Is it going to be a distraction from you getting sleep?” Carmilla had asked genuinely and Laura shook her head and asked her to explain what was going on so she could finished the movie with her. It didn’t take long before Laura realized Carmilla had fallen asleep again. She paused the movie and turned the TV off.

 

Laura had laid in the dark thinking about everything that had happened today. She had went from on the verge of divorce and holding a massive secret to now in some weird neutral zone where her and Carmilla weren’t back together but on good terms and she felt okay finally telling people she was remembering things. She knew she was in for an interesting vacation.

 

She was pulled from her thoughts when she felt the body next to her shift and Carmilla whimpered in her sleep. Laura reached over brushing a hair out of Carmilla’s face. She was burning up again so she woke her up just enough to take something to reduce her fever but now that she was awake she was shivering under the covers.

 

Laura scooted into the middle of the bed and pulled Carmilla into her wrapping her arms around her trying to share her warmth. She felt Carmilla slowly stop shaking and her breathing even out signaling she had fallen back asleep.

 

This was definitely going to be an interesting week.

* * *

 

 

 

Laura woke up the next morning in and empty bed and the sound of the shower running in the bathroom. Checking her phone for the time she wondered if everyone else was away yet. She rolled over staring at the slightly ajar door to the bathroom thinking about everything that had happened last night. To say everything was feeling like a weird unrealistic dream was an understatement. Her and Carmilla had been on the rocks for weeks and she was so sure that getting a divorce was the best thing for them. Then her brain had to go and throw remembering everything in the mix and she could not have seen these feelings she had coming. It seemed like life was getting more and more complicated.

 

Carmilla’s voice had pulled Laura from her thoughts standing next to the bed dressed for the day, towel drying her wet hair.

 

“Did you hear me sleepy head?”

 

“Hmm no I was too busy thinking about going back to sleep”

 

“Well you’re not obligated to get up but my family has already started to arrive and since my fever broke and Emily gave me super strong concoction to quiet my symptoms, my mother said she would appreciate my presence for lunch. I told her it might be a little overwhelming for you so you don’t have to join us if you don’t want to.”

 

“Oh no it’s okay, but uh you’ll probably have to remind me who I have and haven’t met”

 

“You don’t have to worry about that. Aside from our wedding you haven’t really met much of my extended family. And honestly they’re going to all be so caught up with Drew I wouldn’t worry too much about it”

 

“Okay but only if you promise not to leave me with anyone. I’ve seen what happens in movies and it’s never anything good when the girlfriend gets left alone with unknown family members.”

 

“Girlfriend?” Carmilla questioned

 

“You know what I meant” Laura sat up and threw the pillow and Carmilla who caught it and threw it back catching Laura off guard.

 

“Go shower, you smell like an airport and seat. I don’t need my relatives thinking I married a rotten egg, sweetheart” Carmilla got up from the bed making her way out of the room leaving Laura with a disgusted look on her face.

* * *

 

 

 

Carmilla had been right about how lunch was going to go. Everyone was pretty enamored with Drew very little attention was diverted towards her aside from Carmilla’s parents asking about her new job and what have you. When everyone was finished with Lunch. Laura had lost track of Carmilla but was quickly distracted from finding her when Drew asked her to play with him. She followed Emily and Drew into a large room that Laura assumed was the closest thing to a living room she had seen since they arrived.

 

Laura curled up on the couch with Drew in her lap while they watched a movie. It wasn’t long until Drew had fallen asleep and Laura lost interest in what was on the TV. She couldn’t help but wonder where Carmilla had went off to so quickly after lunch. When Emily walked back into the room and saw Drew asleep she picked him up and took him back to their room for a nap leaving Laura alone.

 

She knew she was bound to get lost if she started wandering around looking for Carmilla but she was hoping she would run into someone familiar who might know where she was. It was like the universe had read her thoughts when she ran into Will.

 

“Hey so sorry Laura” he said bumping into her.

 

“Hey actually I am really glad I ran into I have been wandering this place looking for someone I knew. I was wondering where Carmilla went after lunch?”

 

“Oh her and my father went to the study. I was actually headed that way to round my father up for my mother I can show you the way”

 

“Thank you. I guessing running into you was fate”

 

“How have things been with you and Carm? I can’t imagine it being easy for either of you but Emily told me you two shared a room last night so maybe not so bad?”

 

"Um actually we talked for a long time last night. I feel like maybe we should have done that a long time ago. I mean we aren’t together or perfect but we talked it out and were okay”

 

“I guess okay is a good place to be right?”

 

“Yeah I think so.”

Will and Laura approached a large hallway with two doors centered on the wall. Two doors she assumed that led to where they were headed. Will pushed one door open and poked his head in before pushing it open all the way for Laura to walk in first. Carmilla immediately looked up meeting Laura’s eyes and giving her a small smile before looking back down to the book in her lap. Across from her, their father sat reading aloud from what she believed was the same book but he wasn’t reciting it in English. When he realized that Laura and Will had entered he placed the book down and welcome them in.

 

Will informed him that family needed him and the two of them left Carmilla and Laura alone. Before speaking Laura took in her surroundings. When Will had mentioned a study she thought of a dark and dusty room with books and fireplace with no windows. Although the walls were lined with books, the room was anything but dark. There were high windows that reach all the way up to the ceiling. There were rows and rows of shelves filled with books. A small area with a foot table and chairs surrounding it in front of a fireplace where Carmilla and her father had been sitting and the rest of the room was spaciously unfilled.

 

Laura felt Carmilla’s presence next to her and turned to face her not realizing just how close they were. Laura cleared her throat and took a small step back.

 

 

“This place is gorgeous. I swear I think I can’t feel more like I’m in a movie and then I do.”

 

“Yeah this place is pretty magical. I think it would have been weird growing up here. We only ever came to visit as kids. Even now that my parents live here I still find myself in awe with it”

 

“So you disappeared from lunch to read German literature with your father?”

 

“Ah, well see I didn’t have much of a choice. As you’ve seen my father isn’t a man of many words and the words he does say are law. I’ve never seen my father angry and I think that’s because when he speaks people listen. He asked me this morning to join him while he did his afternoon reading. By asked I mean told but he’s not an aggressive person,so  when he asks a question its more of a statement not a request. Sorry I didn’t say something before he was quick to leave the dining room I didn’t want to keep him waiting”

 

“Oh no I understand completely. It’s always been curious to me the way you and Will were raised. I mean you guys spent most of your childhood in America I guess I just assumed you were brought up like every other traditional family but I guess wealthy European families do things differently”

 

Laura was still standing next to the table less a foot from Carmilla. Her expression unreadable at first but then she looked like she was thinking hard about what Laura had said.

 

“I didn’t mean that in a bad way, I guess I just never witnessed first hand how things worked with your parents in their home. It’s very different than how they act when they’re visiting.”

 

“That is a very valid observation, Laura. And you’re not wrong, both of my parents have expectations for how things work under their roof but they aren’t the type to think they have a place to impose those traditions in someone else’s house. That’s why they are so relaxed at Will’s. I know most elderly people tend to think it’s their way or the highway and that the younger generation should do things like they did but my parents were raised by refugees from the war. There was juxtaposition in how they were raised. A mix of European traditions and the new American ways of living. I think they understood and carried both sets of values with them. But here in France wealth carries a certain standard with it. Plus my family is here. If had just been us they would be much more relaxed. Reading with my father is something he did with his father and so on. I guess understanding that I’m expected to act a certain way in their home just comes naturally. Sorry to ramble on about my parents.” Carmilla ducked her head to try and hide the blush on her face.

 

 

“Don’t apologize and don’t be embarrassed. Lord knows I ramble more than anyone.”

 

"Yes but its one of the things I find endearing about you, sweetheart”

 

Carmilla smiled at Laura and stepped closer to her placing her hand on her cheek lifting her face up to meet her eyes. Laura let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding; she closed her eyes slowly leaning into Carmilla’s touch. Carmilla leaned up and placed a kiss to Laura’s forehead and then stepped back letting go of her face.

 

“Would you like to go for a walk with me?”

 

“A walk?”

 

“Yes you know when two people use their legs-“

 

“Carm I know what you meant” Laura interrupted.” Where would we go?”

 

“The garden. They’re setting up for the ceremony and reception tomorrow but there is plenty of places to explore. It’s nice out and it would be a perfect way to avoid my family.”

 

“I think I’d like that.”

* * *

 

 

The sun was starting to set when they had finally made their way to the garden. Laura had started to protest that maybe it was getting too dark but Carmilla assured her the paths were lit and it was too nice of an evening to stay inside. They had walked and talked for what had felt like forever. The sun was long gone and sound of crickets and sprinklers in the distance filled the silent air between their words. Carmilla had looked at her phone and noticed it was just after six.

 

“The rehearsal dinner starts in two hours we should probably head back soon so my mother doesn’t kill me”

 

“What made them want to renew their vows? I mean don’t most people do that after like 50 years of marriage?”

 

“Yes and no. My parents are technically only legally married in the states. But this has been their home for almost ten years. My mother is retiring and my father is considering selling his business so I guess they just thought with so much changing it was a good time. I think that people renew their vows for a multitude of reasons despite how long they’ve been married.”

 

“Well I think it’s sweet and your parents look like they really love and respect each other”

 

“They do, they’ve always set a very good example for Will and I”

 

“Hey Carm?”

 

‘Yeah?”

 

“I’ll race you” Laura said taking off in a run towards the house with Carmilla hot on her trail. Just before Laura could round the corner to the stretch of yard that led to the house Laura felt her arm being jerked back and Carmilla pushed her into the hedge causing Laura to squeal as she trapped her with her body.

 

“Not so fast cutie”

 

Laura stopped fighting her and was attempting to catch her breath when their proximity to each other became apparent. Laura’s eyes instinctively went to Carmilla’s lips and back to her eyes. Carmilla slowly started to lean in waiting for Laura to close the distance between them when they heard footsteps coming around the corner.

 

“Carmilla? Laura?! Maman has been looking everywhere for you two.  You were supposed to be ready early so we could get everyone seated on time for dinner.”

 

“Oh shit I forgot”

 

“Don’t worry about it Emily volunteered to take over. Just hurry up and go get ready”

 

Carmilla and Laura hurried themselves into the house hoping to avoid Lilita in fear of being scolded for disappearing like teenagers. Carmilla had opted for getting ready in her parents room to allow Laura her privacy. Plus she wasn’t sure she was going to be able to control herself after their near kiss in the garden. It was like Laura showed up and everything had changed. The atmosphere between them was the polar opposite of what it was when she was in New York and Carmilla was betting it on the fact that after all of the doubt, her memory was slowly coming back. But it all honestly seemed too good to be true.

 

 

Carmilla was standing next to her mother in the dining hall talking with one of her cousins when Laura had finally made her way down for dinner. She had gotten a little lost but eventually found her way. Carmilla’s mother had tapped her shoulder getting her attention and then pointing to the entrance of the room. Laura was standing there looking around them room probably trying to spot Carmilla. She was dressed in a dark green dress that flowed down to her knees. She had on black tights and her hair hung in ringlets down the side of her face resting on her shoulders. She looked beautiful.

 

Carmilla had made her way across the room and walked up behind Laura without Laura ever having spotted her.

 

“Looking for someone, beautiful?” Carmilla whispered into her ear from behind. Laura jumped and turned around.

 

“Yes you, you jerk. Don’t scare me like that… I didn’t realize how much of your family was here”

 

“Yeah most of them are staying in hotels close by. This place is big but not nearly big enough to accommodate them all. You look stunning by the way.”

 

“Thank you. You don’t look so bad yourself”

 

“We should go take our seats before they start serving dinner”

 

Carmilla and Laura made their way to a long table with two empty chairs left at the end. Dinner was served with wine. A lot of wine Laura thought. It was like every time she had finished a glass it was magically full again. She could most definitely start to feel it.

 

“You okay over there drunky” Carmilla leaned over noticing how crimson Laura’s face was. The way it always got when she had drank too much.

 

  
“Mhmm I’m great”

 

“Okay well all eyes are about to be in this direction so try to act sober okay?” Carmilla said pressing a quick kiss to Laura’s cheek and stood up buttoning the front of her blazer leaving a very confused Laura sitting next to her. Carmilla had gotten the attention of everyone in the dining room and Laura was still unsure as of why.

 

“So being the daughter of these two amazing people I was asked to give a speech this weekend. I was given the choice between the night of the vow ceremony or the rehearsal dinner and frankly I think my older brother is better equipped to do the more important one. I tried around twenty times to write something out but I couldn’t manage to get the words quite right. I was raised in home where two people had more love for each other and more respect than any other two adults I had ever met. The examples they set for my brother and I were one’s I too hope to set for my own children. The ones I know Will and Emily set for their son. Many people look to my parents and see old money and wealth but no one knows better than I first hand that both my parents worked hard to get where they are today. They showed me that in life nothing good comes without working for it. That applies to your career, your marriage, raising children and so on. The past two years of my life have been filled with trial that have forced me to learn how to put in that work that they always taught us about. I look at my parents and the love that surrounds them and I can only hope that in thirty years or so I get to sit here and listen to my children give speeches with our family members and talk about how hard we worked for the life that we wanted and how our love and respect helped them grow up to be the kind of people we hoped they would. To you Maman and Papa. Thank you for giving us so much.”

 

Everyone cheered and Carmilla sat wiping a tear from her face finishing off her own glass of wine and asking for another. When she turned to look at Laura her heart sank a little. Laura’s eye were full of water and she was looking down at the hands in her lap. Carmilla reached over lifting her chin to look up at her. Laura’s tears finally fell and Carmilla used her napkin to wipe them away.

 

“Sweetheart what is wrong?”

 

"That was so sweet. You give such good speeches Carmilla”

 

“What other speech have you heard me give cupcake?

 

“Your vows at our wedding. Every time I think about them I cry and then the way to look at and talk about your parents. I just feel so guilty”

 

"Why  on earth do you feel guilty?”

 

“Because you love me so much and I got scared that one day you’d get tired of waiting for me to be in love with you again or remember you and so I left and then I did the one thing that probably hurt you the most and now I’m in this place where I want you but that seems so selfish because of everything I put you through and-“

 

“Laura” Carmilla interrupted her rambling.

 

"What?”

 

“Lets get out of here”

 

“Carmilla we can’t this is your parents dinner.”

 

“Dinner is over and everyone is socializing we won’t be missed come on” Carmilla said standing, finishing her glass of wine again and pulling Laura along with her. Laura didn’t ask where they were going when they headed outside towards they garden again. Carmilla laced her fingers into Laura’s and pulled her into a slightly wooded area next to the house. There was a bench swing on the edge of an opening in the trees. They walked over and Laura sat down while Carmilla remained standing.

 

“Laura, I think that it’s important for us to take this day by day like we discussed because I don’t want either of us to hurt more than we have. This improvement with your memory is amazing and I pray that it only continues to get better but a lot has happened in our relationship and I think it’s going to take time to mend the parts that are a little bent up. I’m always going to want you and I’m always going to love you and that’s why I’m saying this because I don’t want to lose you.”

 

“You’re not going to lose me, Carmilla. We will work this out as slow as we need to, it doesn’t matter if you take the job here, or if I don’t remember anymore that what I’ve remembered up until now. It was selfish of me to run off and try to figure everything out without you.”

 

Before Laura could finish saying what she had wanted to get out Carmilla and pulled her up and kissed her hard, surprising her at first before she softened and returned the kiss. She could feel the wetness from tears on Carmilla’s face as their lips met over and over. She pulled back and looked at her.

 

“Were gonna be okay” Laura said and kissed her again wrapping her arms around Carmilla’s shoulders. The last time she had done this she was intoxicated and not thinking straight. This time was different. Kissing Carmilla made her feel like something inside her had woken up. Like missing a piece of mystery she hadn’t been able to solve and then plain as day it was there. Right in front of her giving her answers to everything she had been looking for.

 

Carmilla kissed her like the world was going to disappear and she wouldn’t have wanted her to kiss her any other way. In that moment there was nothing else to hold on to but each other.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments? Kudos? Questions?
> 
> commanderoftondc.tumblr.com


	11. To Wish Impossible Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse me a moment while I cry over how tired I am. This chapter took me a collective 3 weeks to write. I was so excited to write it that i thought of one million different ways to do it and it ended up NOTHING like my original plan. I am sorry if its rushed and crappy and you can yell at me all you want want but at least its like 90% fluff and 8% angst and 2% sin. Haha. There are about two chapters left in this one so hold on tight we are headed to the part that no one wants to happen. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Comments and kudos are welcome and super appreciated. Feedback fuels writing.

Carmilla woke with something pushing into the side of her face. She tried using her hand to push it away when she realized it was a who not a what and that who was her nephew and his stinky feet on her face as he slept with his head resting on the wrong side of the bed. She sat up and looked over to see Laura asleep on the other side of Drew also sleeping soundly. She remembered coming in last night pretty late after the dinner had ended and Emily and Will were helping clean up and Drew was passed out on the couch in the living room. Without really being asked Carmilla went ahead and took Drew upstairs got him dressed for bed and let him share a bed with her and Laura. By time she had gotten back to the room Laura was already fast asleep.

 

Carmilla sat up moving Drew’s legs causing him to stir and turn cuddling up to Laura’s legs. Carmilla laughed and got up from the bed and headed into the bathroom. Showered and somewhat dressed Carmilla walked out of the bathroom and grabbed her phone to snap a pic of the sight before her. Drew must have woken up and readjusted his sleeping position because he was now curled up into Laura’s chest with her arms wrapped around his tiny body as they both slept. Just as she snapped the picture there was a loud knock at the bedroom door causing them both to wake.

 

Emily walked in looking at the three of them looking at her.

 

“Are you guys just now waking up? Seriously?” Emily asked.

 

“I have been up long enough to shower and change” Carmilla defended herself then looking at Laura who was now sitting up in bed a little disoriented with a half asleep Drew still laying down next to her.

 

“Why what time is it?” Laura asked yawning.

 

“Its just past 11 and the ceremony starts at 2 so I suggest you two make sure you are ready by 1.” Emily scolded them a little for sleeping for so long.

 

“You know your son was also asleep this long. Can’t blame us for that one” Carmilla gave her a smug smile.

 

“Yes but it takes twenty minutes to get a toddler ready. You two however will probably still be late”

 

“Fair point” Carmilla said accepting defeat in their argument.

 

Drew had finally got up from the bed and made his way over to his mother burying his face into her stomach and wrapping his arms around her, obviously still not fully awake.

 

“Your parents expect you down stairs and ready by 1:30. Most of your relatives have already started getting ready. Please don’t be like your brother and force me to have to check up on you two like a mother of a bunch of lazy teenagers.” Emily said finally leaving the room.

 

Laura threw the blankets back over her head and groaned.

 

“Gotta get up sweetheart. We both know you take way longer to get ready than me and we both still need to head downstairs and eat” Carmilla said pulling the blankets back from Laura’s body being met with a serious scowl from Laura.

 

“Fine but I’m only getting up if you are the one providing the food. Not enough energy to cook” Laura argued.

 

“No can do this morning dear. I actually have to run into town for a few errands before I can get ready for this afternoon. You’re on your own. “

 

“You’re gonna leave me here alone with your family? Carmilla!”

 

“Calm down. I’ll be gone while you’re getting ready you don’t have to leave the room If you don’t want to. And I will have someone bring you up brunch. But I have to head out now so I’m not late to my own parents vow ceremony” Carmilla leaned over the bed placing a kiss on the top of Laura’s head and walked out of the bedroom leaving a disgruntled Laura behind.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It had been over two hours since Carmilla left and Laura was starting to think she was going to be late to her parent’s vow ceremony. It was just after 1:30 when Laura met Will and Emily down in the garden neither of them having seen Carmilla since earlier that morning either. All three of them were starting to get anxious and Emily had stepped to the side calling Carmilla’s phone over and over but getting nothing but a voicemail. When everyone was asked to take their seats Laura could see the anger on Will’s face as he made his way to stand next to his father. Just before Lilita made her way to join her husband, Carmilla slipped in next to her brother looking over at Laura who looked at her disapprovingly. Carmilla winked at Laura and turned her attention back to her parents.

 

When the ceremony was over and everyone was making their way to the reception area set up in another part of the garden Laura had hurried her way over to Carmilla

 

“Where the hell were you and why were you so late?”

 

“On the contrary my dear, I arrived exactly on time.” Carmilla said smugly.

 

“Carmilla Will and Emily are going to have your head, we were all worried”

 

“Calm down sweetheart, I told you I had a few errands to run and some phone calls to make and they took me a bit longer than expected. Time differences and what have you.”

 

“Well either way I’m glad you made it on time. We should make our way to the reception,” Laura said starting to pull Carmilla along.

 

The garden was set up with white tables scattered all over the yard and a large dance floor in the middle. String lights hung across the garden the now bustled with more family members than either Will or Carmilla could remember all the names of.

 

Carmilla and Laura had made their over to their assigned table they shared with Will, Emily, and Drew. When Carmilla sat down both Emily and Will had glared at Carmilla.

 

 

“What? I made it on time right?” Carmilla said in response to their glares.

 

 

“Hey Laura would you mind if I spoke with you privately real quick?” Emily asked standing up from the table.

 

“Uhh sure” Laura said looking at Carmilla in confusion.

 

Laura and Emily had made their way over to a table full of drinks when Emily started to pour some beverages before starting the conversation.

 

“Are you okay?” Emily asked.

 

‘Yeah why?”

 

“I just, I saw you crying last night and then you and Carmilla walked out of the dinner and then she disappeared this morning. I just wasn’t sure if there was something going on?”

 

“No we are fine. I just got really emotional last night and needed some fresh air”

 

“Okay, well you know you can always talk to me.”

 

“Yeah I know that. Um this might be silly to ask but do you know why Carmilla had to leave this morning? She’s being really secretive about it and I thought maybe it had to do with the ceremony but then she was late so that was kind of ruled out.”

 

“Will said she mentioned it to him but he didn’t tell me anything. Have you asked her directly what she was doing?”

 

 

“Well no but-“

 

“You should probably start there,” Emily said as they left the drink table returning to their own.

 

The sun was starting to set and the alcohol starting to set in after a couple of hours of people dancing and family members catching up with each other. Will and Carmilla had danced with their parents. The older family members had mostly stayed sitting around chatting while the dance floor was full of the younger generations of kids and grandkids. The five of them had spent a good part of the night dancing together enjoying the evening.

 

The sun had set and quite a few people had said their goodbyes and goodnights. A fair few were still sitting around and the music was still playing on. The later it got the more Laura was still dancing away with Drew when she noticed that Carmilla had been checking her phone more and more often as the night went on. The two made their way back to the table. Drew crawled up into his moms lap yawning. Laura leaned over Carmilla’s shoulder trying to get a quick peak at what she might be doing on her phone without looking too obvious.

 

“Hey you” Carmilla said turning to face Laura putting her phone away.

 

“Hey what are you doing”?

 

“Hmm well I was about to go ask a pretty lady to dance”

 

“Oh really?”

 

“Mhm, so is that a yes or a no? Don’t leave me hanging all night,” Carmilla said standing and taking Laura’s hand leading her to the dance floor.

 

A swing tune came on that felt appropriate for the mood Carmilla thought as she pulled Laura into her leading their dance.

 

“So I have to ask” Laura start.” Why were you gone so long today?”

 

“I had to get some things in order. I wanted to tell you earlier but I didn’t really have the time to talk about it with everything going on. I have an early meeting tomorrow morning so I have to take the last train back to Paris tonight”

 

The look on Laura’s face broke a little but she fought to remain as neutral as possible upon hearing Carmilla would be leaving. Although she was technically flying out tomorrow she didn’t think she would miss out on their last night together.

 

“Oh, that’s so weird a meeting on a Sunday morning” Was all Laura could think to say.

 

“Yeah well I kind of had it pushed up. I asked for the first few days of the week off so I didn’t have much of a choice than to agree to meet tomorrow”

 

“When does your train leave?” Laura asked as they continued to dance.

 

“At eleven, and its only six. There’s no rush.”

 

“Is that why you kept looking at your phone?”

 

“No no not at all, I am still waiting for another call back that I made earlier this afternoon”

 

“Oh”

 

Carmilla swung Laura around as they kept dancing. She didn’t want to spend the rest of the evening feeling down and she wasn’t going to let Laura either. She started singing the words aloud, but only loud enough for Laura to hear.

 

“ And that laugh that wrinkles your nose, it touches my foolish heart” Carmilla sang causing a smile to spread across Laura’s face.

 

“Just the way you look tonight” Carmilla finished slowing them down as the song ended. “ I didn’t tell you earlier, but you look gorgeous tonight” She whispered into Laura’s ear as the next song had started at a much slower tempo than the previous.

 

They continued to dance together swaying slowly. Not speaking or looking at each other. Just holding each other dancing to the music.

 

* * *

 

 

Laura was sitting on the bed in her pajamas with something on the TV as Carmilla finished packing up her belongings.

 

“ When is the car going to be here to get you?”

 

“Uhh they said they’d call”

 

“Do you know when you’ll be in New York again?”

 

“Just depends on what I decide to do as far as taking this job. I have a feeling they are going to make whatever negotiations they need to keep me. But I’m sure I’ll get a few days here and there to myself.”

 

Carmilla’s phone started ringing and for the first time since Laura could remember she felt heartbroken that Carmilla was leaving. The feeling was foreign but not indescribable.

 

“Alright I gotta go. Thank you for coming, Laura. I know it meant a lot to my parents but it also meant a lot to me.” Carmilla leaned over and placed a kiss to Laura’s head and pulled away slowly meeting Laura’s sad eyes. As she started to walk away from the bed Laura reached out and grabbed Carmilla’s hand pulling her back. Laura reached up and pulled Carmilla down kissing her gently on the lips.

 

“It meant a lot to me too,” Laura said softly.

 

Laura let Carmilla go but she didn’t move out of Laura’s space.

 

“I’ve gotta go” Carmilla whispered into the space between them.

 

“I know”

 

Carmilla finally pulled away and started back towards the door.

 

“Oh, Laura” she said turning back around before walking out the door.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“There’s an envelope in the drawer next to the bed. It’s uh, its why I was in town today. You should take a look at it before you go to sleep tonight.”

 

“Okay” Laura said confused.

 

Carmilla gave Laura one last smile and shut the bedroom door.

 

Laura had finished getting ready for bed, packed most of her stuff and was settling into bed.  It had been nearly an hour since Carmilla had left and Laura had tried her hardest to wait to see what it was Carmilla had left for her. She pulled open the drawer and two envelops sat there. Laura picked up the one that said, “read me first” on it.

 

_Laura,_

_I can’t express how happy having you here this weekend has made me. I cant deny that at one point I hadn’t expected you to come at all and then I was sure it was going to be an awkward weekend. But for the first time in months it just felt okay. I’m glad we were able to sit and talk everything out. I know that we still have a lot to work out no matter which direction we choose to go in our lives. This afternoon I was able to reach your boss. Now I may have over stepped here but don’t be upset with me. We talked and she said that you didn’t need to return to work until next week if you choose to take my next offer. In the larger envelope I left for you are a train ticket that leaves tomorrow afternoon to Paris with attached paperwork for hotel reservations and a new plane ticket from Paris to New York, which leaves Wednesday night instead of tomorrow. I know this is all kind of crazy but I thought you might want a few days to actually enjoy France. I would love to spend the next couple of days with you but I have set up someone to accompany you and show you the city if you would rather venture out on your own. I will be in meetings all day tomorrow but whatever you choose to do travel safely. If you have any questions don’t hesitate to ask my parents or Will._

_Love Always,_

_Carmilla_

Laura couldn’t shake the feeling at how unreal this whole trip had felt. Getting a few more days off was nice but it also made her nervous given the fact that she hasn’t actually worked there long. She opened up the larger envelope and pulled out a train ticket with her name on it. Leaving at 12pm from Cannes to Paris. Another piece of paper with a reservation confirmation, this one under Carmilla’s name, and then a plane ticket with a new departure date. There was really only one thought Laura had after taking it all in. She’d be crazy to go home tomorrow.

 

* * *

 

Laura had spent the train ride enjoying the French countryside and looking at some tourist pamphlets she picked up after will had dropped her off at the station. She knew that taking Carmilla’s offer probably looked a certain way to them but she wasn’t going to think too much into it. She wanted to enjoy the short time she had to explore Paris. Since Carmilla was in meetings all day Laura had assumed she would just take a cab and give the driver the name of the hotel. She should have known better though. As soon as she stepped into the station to make her way to where there were cabs lined up, there was a man in a suit holding a white piece of paper with the name Hollis-Karnstein on it. She shook her head and thought to herself she should stop being surprised by all the craziness that has come with this vacation.

 

The car pulled up to a hotel just after six in the evening. There was alight drizzle coming down now and Laura made her way quickly into the building after the bellhop had volunteered to handle her bags. She was able to get her room key right away and headed up to her room to put on warmer and dryer clothes. There was a note placed on the bed.

 

 

_Laura, I hope the train ride wasn’t too bad._

_There are reservations at my favorite restaurant_

_at 8 under my name for you. It’s a nice place_

_so wear something nice. –Carmilla H-K_

 

* * *

 

Laura was seated at a high table with two seats in a rather private part of the ridiculously fancy looking restaurant Carmilla had made reservations for her at. She was glad she was sitting pretty isolated from everyone else. She felt a little embarrassed to be at such a nice place alone. The waiter had brought her a glass of wine as she looked over the menu. She noticed someone standing next to her letting them know she wasn’t quite ready to order when their voice pulled her out of her reverie.

 

“Carm?”

 

There was Carmilla standing next to Laura at eye level because of how high the chairs were.

 

“Fancy seeing you here. Do you mind if I join you?” She asked giving Laura that toothy grin.

 

“Of course. I thought I was gonna end up eating alone”

 

“You didn’t actually think I’d make you eat in a place like this all alone did you?”

 

“I hadn’t heard from you at all today I wasn’t sure”

 

“Yeah I’m sorry I wasn’t able to access my phone but I am really glad you decided to come”

 

“I thought it would be pretty silly to pass up an all expenses paid vacation in Paris.”

 

“That would be pretty silly. Did you want to do your own thing the next few days or” Carmilla left the question open ended not really sure how to ask if she wanted to spend the rest of her time with her or not.

 

“Well I definitely don’t want to hang out in this beautiful city with a random tour guide and you did go through all the trouble to make this happen, plus I think it would be nice for us to spend a few days together away from the real world” Laura said confidently turning Carmilla’s stoic expression into a soft one that allowed her eyes to show the joy she was feeling.

 

“Well in that case I have two days full of fun planned for us” Carmilla was now sporting a pretty big smile as the waiter walked over with their plates.

 

 

The next morning Carmilla woke up a little bit earlier than she had told Laura to be up to get ready. Normally she wouldn’t be nervous about spending a day with Laura. But today she had a pretty good reason to be and the butterflies in her stomach didn’t falter. They had agreed to meet in the lobby around 9 so they could grab breakfast before starting their day.

 

 

“So what do you have planned today? Eiffel Tower? Notre Dame? Arc de Triomphe?” Laura asked excitedly as they left the restaurant they had breakfast at heading towards the city center.

 

“Nope”

 

“Okay what are we doing then if we aren’t going to the biggest attractions in Paris.”

 

“Don’t worry cupcake, I will take you around to see all the regular tourist attractions but there is something I want to show you first.”

 

“Alright then, can I at least get a hint?”

 

“You wouldn’t guess it even if I gave you all the hints in the world. Don’t worry we don’t have to be there long if you don’t want to. I just thought it’d be nice to share it with someone”

 

Laura’s expression had changed from excited and impatient to nervous.

 

The car had pulled up to a building that didn’t look out of the ordinary at all. Any passerby would have probably assumed it was just another business building. Carmilla led Laura inside the main entrance that opened up into a large hallway full of people wearing backpacks and carrying bags.

 

“Carmilla is this a school?”

 

“Uh yeah it’s the art institute I’ve been teaching at”

 

“Okay, and you brought me here to?”

“Just wait, you’ll see.”

 

They walked up a few flights of stairs and down another long hallway lined with doors up and down it. They kept walking until they had reached the end of the hall where Carmilla turned around to Laura before opening the door.

 

“Okay so uh, I’m just gonna be honest and say I am pretty nervous about this which normally it being you I wouldn’t be nervous but I am so just try not to be too critical” Carmilla looked at Laura nervously.

 

“You don’t need to be nervous Carm.”

 

“Okay lets get this over with”

 

Carmilla opened the door and let Laura in first. The room smelled of paint as soon as she stepped into the room. The far window was lined with large windows and the back wall had a large sink and shelves full of paints and brushes. Laura turned to face the rest of the room and was met with tons of paintings sitting on easels and leaning against chairs and various other objects in the room.

 

“Are these from your students?” Laura asked walking further into the room to get a better look at the pieces. She stopped at the closest one and noticed the initials in the corner. She turned to the next and had seen the same.

 

“CHK” Laura whispered to herself. She turned around to face Carmilla who was leaning against the sink on the back wall.

 

“These are all yours?”

 

“Um yeah…”

 

“You’ve painted all of these just since you’ve been here” Laura said in disbelief

 

“Yup”

 

“Carm, that’s- wow, that’s amazing. When were you able to start painting again?”

 

“Weirdly enough, around the same time you probably started remembering things”

 

“So after we separated” Laura said feeling a little guilt start to build in her chest.

 

“Yes and no, I didn’t paint anything until I took the job here and even then it took me awhile to really feel it. But it when I did it was like something just flipped a switch inside me. Like one day I couldn’t paint and the next to was like I never stopped.”

 

“These are all amazing” Laura said walking around taking the beauty of each painting in. Carmilla continued to stand at the back of the room watching Laura.

 

“Did you talk about your job offer at your meeting yesterday?” Laura asked hesitantly.

 

“Um, yes we discussed it a little bit but nothing conclusive. I have a week to make a decision”

 

“Should we talk about it?”

 

“Not today”

 

“Okay” Laura said making her way towards were Carmilla was standing.

 

“We should go, lots of tourist attractions to get to before dinner,” Carmilla said looking down at Laura who was giving her a look of concern. She knew Laura wanted to talk about if she would be staying permanently in France or not.

 

* * *

 

 

Carmilla was sitting on the bed in her hotel room staring at Laura who was telling a story as they ate the take out they had decided on after the rain had gotten pretty heavy later in the afternoon. They had spent the afternoon making their way across Paris checking out all the things Laura had wanted to see. She couldn’t even imagine the number of pictures Laura had managed to take. She didn’t care though she just watched patiently as Laura marveled at the sights they had seen. Technically Carmilla was supposed to me acting as a tour guide but she took more pleasure in standing back and letting Laura embrace all of her excitement.

 

“You’re not listening”

 

“I’m sorry I was a little lost in thought, what did you say?”

 

“Carm” Laura said pointedly.

 

“Laura I swear I’m listening this time.”

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“About what?” Carmilla asked confused now.

 

“Whatever it was you were thinking about. You were pretty deep in thought”

 

Carmilla made a face to Laura feeling the embarrassment creep up on her.

 

“What is it” Laura asked in response to the face Carmilla made.

 

“Honestly, I was just staring” Carmilla said feeling her face turn red.

 

“Oh”

 

“Yeah so now that I’ve embarrassed myself can we change the subject”?

 

Laura started laughing only furthering Carmilla’s embarrassment.

 

“Alright it’s time for you to go to your own room.”

 

“I’m sorry I wont laugh again. I think its sweet actually”

 

“You think it’s sweet that I’m embarrassed that I got caught staring at my wife instead of listening”

 

“Yeah, I do” Laura said scooting closer to Carmilla reaching up to brush her hair out of her face.

 

“You’re right though, I should head back to my room. It’s getting late and tomorrow is my last full day”

 

Carmilla shook her head and cast her eyes away from Laura not wanting her to see the emotion in her face. She walked Laura to the door after they cleaned up their mess from dinner.

 

“Remember 9am sharp, ready to go. We have lots of ground to cover before dinner tomorrow night” Carmilla explained to Laura who was now standing in the hallway looking back at Carmilla who was leaning on the threshold of the hotel room door.

 

“9am sharp. I won’t disappoint. Goodnight, Carm.”

 

“Goodnight sweetheart”

 

 

* * *

 

 Carmilla stood in the lobby half past six in the evening waiting for Laura to come downstairs so they could make it to dinner. They had managed to make it to all their destinations for the day and even had time to stop for a mid-afternoon dessert stop. When they got back to the hotel they both opted to take naps before getting ready for the dinner Carmilla had planned.

 

 

The elevator dinged and Carmilla turned around to see who it was exiting the lift. There stood Laura looking quite literally breath taking. Carmilla took a deep breath to calm her nerves as she watched Laura approach her.

 

“You look stunning” Carmilla said breathlessly

 

“Thanks” Laura blushed ducking her head.

 

“We should get going we are going to be late since someone took their time” Carmilla joked earning an offended smile from Laura.

 

They climbed into the back of a cab and headed out to dinner.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Did you enjoy your soup” Carmilla asked looking down at Laura who now had an empty bowl sitting in front of her that was full of soup no more than ten minutes ago.

 

“Oh my god it was amazing”

 

“I can tell” Carmilla chuckled taking another bite of her food.

 

“I can see why you love this place so much, the food is delicious, and they’ve got the perfect music to dance to. Which I know is why you really brought me here”

 

“I can’t deny I had planned on asking you to dance at some point tonight. Nothing wrong with asking a beautiful woman to dance after dinner right?”

 

“No I suppose not,” Laura said taking Carmilla’s hand. She was was now standing next to her.

 

Carmilla lead Laura to the small dance floor near the balcony that looked across the Paris skyline that was now lit up against a dark night sky. Laura wrapped one arm around Carmilla while she held the other waiting for Carmilla to take the lead.

 

“Carm?” Laura asked lowly.

 

“Mm?” Carmilla said against the side of Laura’s head as they continued to sway.

 

“Why do you love dancing so much?”

 

Carmilla pulled back to look at Laura but didn’t slow their pace.

 

“I think it’s intimate in a way many people wouldn’t think it to be. Most people these days think of dancing as dry humping on a dance floor full of sweaty people. I think this is much more intimate, to sway slowly with someone close, just embracing each other not trying to get off to some terrible electronica song.” Carmilla explained as the song changed to one she knew. She smiled at Laura mouthing the words like she loved to do with no one but Laura. There was a sense of comfort being this close to Laura that allowed her to let her walls down and be silly and care free.

 

“You just love old swing music don’t you” Laura asked.

 

“Of course they sound the best on records. Swing music, blues, and all the jazz” Carmilla joked.

 

“You’re a dork”

 

“I am not, sweetheart”

 

“Ah okay you’re right. It must be all the wine we drank with dinner.”

 

“Must be” Carmilla said much more serious staring down at Laura’s lips and then back to her eyes.

 

Laura watched as the look in Carmilla’s face changed from playful to something she might have even read as sensual if the alcohol wasn’t slightly clouding her train of thought. Carmilla leaned in closer sending chills down Laura’s body.

 

“We should head back soon. It’s getting pretty late”

 

Laura couldn’t respond. She nodded in agreement as they walked back to their table to gather their belongings and pay the check.

 

The car ride back to the hotel was quiet, as the rain had once again started to come down pretty heavily just as it had the night before. They quickly made their way inside they lobby as soon as the car stopped in front of the hotel. Laura stopped and turned to look at Carmilla who was following closely behind.

 

“Thank you for tonight, and for this whole week. I really needed it.” Laura said standing waiting for the elevator.

 

“I think I did too honestly. Hey Laura?”

 

“Yeah” Laura said feeling nervous knowing Carmilla only ever called her by name when she was talking about something serious.

 

“Since you’ve been here have you had anything that’s triggered any memories?”

 

Laura stood there confused not moving as the elevator dinged, signaling it was there. She looked at Carmilla and answered slowly unsure of where this conversation was going.

 

“Um, not really why do you ask?”

 

“I was probably just over thinking it. I know correlation is not causation but you started to gain back your memory after we stopped seeing each other and I just wondered if since you’ve been back here-“ Laura stopped Carmilla before she could continue clearly sounding broken about her question.

 

“Carmilla I’m going to stop you right there. My memory coming back has nothing to do with you being around or not being around and being around you is more familiar than anything else since I’ve started remembering things. I can’t lie and say that yesterday when you showed me all those painting I didn’t have the same thoughts but we were both going to come back to where we belong sooner or later.”

 

“Yeah I guess your right.”

 

The next elevator made another ding alerting them it had arrived at the lobby floor and they both turned ending the conversation and stepping into the lift. Laura pushed the two buttons they needed for their separate floors.  As they reached Laura’s floor Carmilla spoke up.

 

“I was thinking we could do brunch before I take you to the airport”

 

“Yeah I’d like that I’ll come by your room before I check out”

 

“Okay, yeah, that works. Goodnight Laura” Carmilla said as the doors opened up at Laura’s floor.

 

“Goodnight Carm”

* * *

 

 

Carmilla stayed on the elevator for another two floors before exiting and making her way to her room. As soon as she was inside to took her heels off and threw them next to the couch in her suite. She unzipped her dress and let it hit the floor stepping out of it and making her way to the dresser next to her bed when she heard a knock on the door.

 

“God dammit who the fuck? HOLD ON A SEC” she yelled wondering who the hell would be knocking on her hotel door at nearly midnight. She threw on a tank top and shorts before making her way over to answer the door.

 

“Laura?” Carm said confused looking at the girl standing in the hallway as she opened the door.

 

“Carm” Laura let out in a low breath and before either of them could say another word Laura dropped the pair of heels she was carrying in her hand and pushed Carmilla backwards further into her room wrapping her hands in Carmilla’s hair and pulling her in for a heated kiss. Carmilla moaned in response as Laura slipped her tongue into Carmilla’s mouth. She now had her backed against a wall in Carmilla’s suite and Laura’s hands had left her hair and were now exploring skin along the hemline of Carmilla’s tank top.

 

Out of breath Carmilla pushed Laura back a little but not far enough to completely detach Laura’s grip on her waist.

 

“Laura” She said trying to catch her breath. “Sweetheart, I’d say that was a little more than the friendly boundaries we agreed upon.”

 

“Shut up” Laura said pulling Carmilla towards the bed by the hem of her shirt. Laura felt the edge of the bed hit the back of her legs and she sat down using Carmilla’s shirt to pull her down into her.

 

Carmilla pulled back before Laura could reconnect their lips and looked into her eyes.

 

“Are you sure this is what you want?”

 

“Would I be here if I wasn’t sure.” It was more of a statement than a question as Laura scooted back on the bed Carmilla leaning onto the mattress using her arms to brace herself as she leaned further into the woman below her.

 

“Wait” Laura said placing her hand on Carmilla’s shoulder. “Help me take my dress off the zipper is in the back”

 

“How did you get it on?” Carmilla asked climbing off the bed to allow her wife to stand up.

 

“What do you think took so long this evening when I was getting ready” Laura let out a laugh.

 

Carmilla stepped behind her brushing Laura’s light brown hair over her shoulder stepping closer to her leaving just enough space to pull this zipper down. Laura could feel her wife’s warm breath on the back of her neck as she slowly pulled the zipper of her dress down. Carmilla reached up and pushed the sleeves of her dress over her shoulders and down her arms watching it hit the floor.

 

Laura stood there for a moment before turning around to face Carmilla.

 

“Just one thing” Laura said looking up into Carmilla’s eyes. “ I want you to go slow”

 

Carmilla closed the distance between them pulling the smaller woman in by the waist and kissing her slowly as she lowered Laura’s body backwards onto the mattress. She took her time kissing her making sure to keep her pace slow as her hands explored Laura’s body at an even slower pace. She reached around her back pulling slightly on her bra looking to her face for permission to remove the piece of clothing. She nodded her head and leaned up on her elbows to allow Carmilla to remove the offending article of clothing.

 

Carmilla tossed the bra to the floor and leaned back into the woman lying underneath her kissing her slowly, letting her hands explore the newly exposed skin. Her hands ran across Laura’s chest slowly teasing around her nipples until she finally took her fingers and lightly tugged on a hardened nipple eliciting a moan from her wife. She let go and began leaving open mouth kisses from her jaw down her neck to her collarbone sucking at the skin lightly every few kisses before taking a nipple in her mouth as one of her hands made their way in between her legs. Her fingers brushed lightly over Laura’s core feeling how wet she had become through the thin material. Laura moaned louder this time pulling on Carmilla’s hair.

 

She using her teeth pulling back slightly on her wife’s nipple before leaning back up and looking at Laura who was now panting. Carmilla traced her fingers across the skin between her pelvic bone underneath the hem of the underwear she was still wearing.

 

“Take them off Carmilla” Laura managed to get out between staggered breaths. Carmilla obey but not before positioning herself between the woman’s legs and placing a kiss to her core through the damp fabric causing Laura to make another noise between a moan of pleasure and groan from being teased. She pulled the article of clothing down just as slowly as she had the rest of Laura’s clothes. Repositioning herself between legs, Carmilla continued her assault of open mouth kissed along pale thighs starting from one knee to her core and then switching to the other side.

 

Laura groaned Carmilla’s name as her hands gripped the sheets from frustration.

 

“You said slow, baby”

 

“Too slow”

 

Carmilla chuckled and placed her mouth right where Laura had been anticipating it. She avoided the bundle of nerves that she knew would push Laura over the edge much sooner than she planned. Running her tongue through soaked folds tasting her wife for the first time in what felt like ages. But Laura hadn’t changed a bit. Carmilla still knew every little spot that drove her wife crazy. She slipped two fingers in slowly before finally allowing her tongue to brush light around Laura’s clit. Legs were now pressing against her as she worked a slow alternating pace between curling fingers against Laura’s walls has her tongue continued a tantalizing pattern. She could hear her breathing become more shallow and a soft chant of her name escaping her wife’s lips.

 

“Carm. I’m gonna-“

 

She knew Laura wanted to go slow but she sped up her pace just slightly changing her technique from licking to sucking and Laura finally arched her back off the bed pulling on the sheets letting Carmilla’s name slip from her mouth once more as she climaxed.

 

Carmilla slowed her pace again but never stopped as Laura’s breathing had started to return to normal. She pushed herself up with one arm never taking her fingers out of Laura.

 

“Look at me” Carmilla, said now hovering just over Laura who reached up and ran her fingers through her dark locks. Carmilla pulled out causing Laura to groan, displeased again but she quickly placed three fingers back into Laura using her thumb now to trace a circular pattern over Laura’s clit as she worked in and out of her. Neither of them could remember feeling something as intense or as intimate as the moment they were sharing now, staring into each other’s eyes as Laura quickly approached her second orgasm. Carmilla felt Laura’s grip on the back of her head tighten as her breaths became shallow once more. Laura felt herself coiling up as she continued to look into her wife’s eyes. She felt the pressure on her clit change.

 

“Cum for me, baby” Carmilla whispered never looking away from Laura’s gaze. That was all it took and Laura felt herself tumble over arching herself into Carmilla again, pushing her head back into the pillows. She felt lips on her neck sucking above her pulse point and fingers continue to work in and our of her at an agonizing pace and before she could collect herself from her second orgasm her third hit her harder than the first two had. Laura moaned Carmilla’s name loudly scratching down her wife’s back as she continued to suck on Laura’s neck slowing the pace of her fingers inside her wife.

 

“You’ve got to be quieter sweetness, or we will get a noise complaint” Carmilla said pulling her fingers from inside Laura and using her arms to brace herself over her while she was still trying to come down from the blissful high of the multiple orgasms she had just received. When Laura finally opened her eyes again she looked up at Carmilla whose body was laying on top of hers and who was smiling down at her. She ran her fingers through soft dark hair and pulled down on Carmilla’s head pressing their lips together softly before letting go of her wife.

 

“Hmm Carm” Laura said as she pulled up the tank top the woman above her was still wearing, exposing more and more skin. “You’re wearing too much clothing and I think it’s your turn to be the reason people might call about a noise complaint.”

 

Carmilla saw the mischievous grin on Laura’s face before she was the one being pressed into the mattress. She took at the sight above her now. Her beautiful wife with her hair hanging down around her face, that beautiful smile she never got tired of seeing, and the feeling of exploring hands across her bare skin. The look on her wife’s face turned from sensual to mischievous quickly and before Carmilla could question it she was being pinned down and tickled.

 

“LAURA LAURA MERCY I GIVE UP PLEASE STOP” Carmilla tried pleading between the giggling that was going on. She felt Laura finally stop and grab her wrists pinning them on the pillows above her head looking down at her again.

 

“You’re still wearing too many clothes baby, and I’ve got plans for you that don’t involve you wearing any” Laura said in a low voice that went straight to Carmilla’s core. She closed her eyes and listened to the rain on the windowpane outside as she felt her wife make her way down her body slowly. Their night was far from over.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

The next morning Laura woke to the sun shining through the curtain in the bedroom and the sound of the shower from the bathroom. She groaned and pulled the blankets over her head. A few minutes later the water shut off and Carmilla emerged from the bathroom in jeans and a tank top drying her hair with a towel.

 

“Good morning sunshine” Carmilla said and Laura groaned again from under the blanket.

 

“I’m too tired. I don’t want to get up.”

 

“Well if you don’t you will miss your flight and I can’t bail you out of work again my dear”

 

“Come back with me” Laura pleaded as she pulled back the blanket to look up at Carmilla who was standing on the other wide of the bed.

 

“Ah if only it were that simple. But we both of us have obligations we have to see to. I think we both got very lucky we were able to spend the few days together that we did. But the real world is calling. And speaking of.” Carmilla trailed off avoiding eye contact with Laura. “Do we need to talk about last night?”

 

Laura knit her eyebrows together and shook her head unsure of why they would need to talk about it. She knows they had agreed to certain terms on their relationship until they could figure out what to do. But Laura didn’t really know when that was going to be considering the fact that Carmilla could very well be staying in France and Laura would be in New York. Then there was the whole divorce thing that neither of them had really talked about either.

 

“Okay, good. You should get up though we’ll have to get brunch to go on the way to the airport”

 

“Why did you shower without me?” Laura pouted turning her face back into the pillow.

 

“Because I have a feeling we would be even more behind schedule if we had, plus you looked so peaceful I couldn’t wake you” Carmilla leaned over the bed and placed a kiss to the side of Laura’s head.

 

 

An hour later Laura met Carmilla in the lobby with all of her bags packed and ready to go. She really wasn’t ready to say goodbye. A week ago when she set foot on the plane her she would have never imagined that this is where she would be or how she would be feeling. Carmilla took her bags and placed them in the trunk of the cab she had gotten to take them to the airport.

 

“You ready?” She asked Laura who was standing on the curb with her arms wrapped around herself looking like she was contemplating something important.

 

“Yeah I’m ready. Just wish this wasn’t ending.”

 

“I know. And I don’t know where we stand and it’s not exactly the kind of conversation you have with someone when you’re dropping them off at the airport but neither of us are going anywhere and I’ll be back in New York soon even if its just to visit. We can talk then, about everything”

 

The way Carmilla had said everything led Laura to believe she was talking about the daunting conversation about the divorce papers Laura had requested months ago. Months before she started to remember who she was, before seeing Carmilla again after remembering the feelings she had for her. It’s like life had only gotten more and more confusing the more she remembered.

 

 

They pulled up to the terminal and check Laura’s bags in at the outside kiosk after asking the cab driver to circle around a few times. Carmilla look Laura’s hand in hers and didn’t let go until they reached the point where she couldn’t go any further without a ticket. Laura turned towards her and pulled her into a kiss. They stood there for a few minutes holding each other kissing before Carmilla pulled back feeling tears that weren’t hers on her cheeks.

 

“Hey” Carmilla said reaching up and wiping her wife’s face off. “It’s going to be okay. I have my meeting Friday about my job and I’ll know by next Monday what’s going on. It doesn’t matter how far we are, we’ve already been through so much. Which ever way the dice fall it’s how they’re supposed to.”

 

“I don’t want to sleep alone anymore” Laura said her voice breaking at the end of her sentence. She felt Carmilla wrap her up on her arms and place a kiss to the top of her head.

 

“I’ll see you again soon. I love you” Carmilla said letting her go. Laura reached up once more kissing Carmilla hard. Before Carmilla could open her eyes up again Laura was walking away. She took a deep breath and made her way out of the terminal. Replaying the events of the last week in her head. As the taxi pulled up to the curb Carmilla dialed her boss’s number on her cell. This was her one shot to get exactly what she wanted and she hoped he would be up for more negotiating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Far Away by Mary Lambert is the song that set the mood for this chapter for me. As well as lets be friendly by dean martin and then I listened to some sin music by somo while writing the smut. Which if it was terrible and cringe worthy I am sorry. I'm not much of a smut writer. Follow me on tumblr and leave comments and kudos if you feel. Theyre much much much appreciated. 
> 
> commanderoftondc.tumblr.com


	12. Remember Me In Moments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A letter to my readers,
> 
> Hey guys so this is the longest I have went without an update and I have no excuse about school or life other than I just genuinely lost interest in this story. I want to apologize. This has happened to me before with other works I've worked on. Sometimes the writing just doesnt come and the frustration kind of drives you away from any inspiration. This chapter felt pretty forced despite it being the one chapter I looked forward to the most. Some of the memories I wrote out were original ones I had thought of before starting this fic way back when but it didnt feel like I usually do when I write, Which is also why its so short. There will be two more chapters left of this one before I start another that I have already gotten written up. I should be wrapping this fic up sometime in the next week. I already have a good bit of the next chapter written. Thank you for those who have stuck with me through this and I really hope that I can satisfy your expectations. Please comment and leave kudos if you feel so inclined. Seeing comments honestly boosts my want to write. 
> 
> Much love,
> 
> Tam 
> 
> PS. All italics are Laura's memories in this chapter.

“Alright Will they are boarding my flight and I want to get on it before they decide to cancel it because of the storm. I will call you as soon as I land and please remember“

 

“Don’t tell Laura” Will said cutting Carmilla off on the other side of the phone.

 

“I’ll see you guys soon and stay safe! ” Carmilla said before hanging up and getting in line to board her flight back to New York. It had snowed lightly over the past couple of days in New York, but there was a bad winter storm coming that she was trying to beat. Carmilla found her seat quickly and got herself situated for the long flight. She looked out the window thinking of the opportunities that last few months had brought and the doors they had now opened up for her future. She couldn’t wait to see her family and tell them, but she especially couldn’t wait to tell Laura.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey Dad I’m headed out” Laura yelled as she made her way down the stairs of her childhood home.

 

“Hold on just a minute sweetheart!” Ben yelled from the backyard.

 

Laura set her bag she had brought with her by the door making her way towards the back of the house. She had taken the few days she still had off of work to come and see her Dad. They were now expecting a late winter storm and she needed to get back into the city before she was stranded. Ben had been trying to prepare the house for all the snow they were about to be hit with.

 

“Hey honey, can you make sure the window is locked in the upstairs bedrooms for be before you go”

 

“Sure thing, Dad. I’ll be right back”

 

Ben waited by the front door for his daughter to come back down. He had enjoyed spending a few days just the two of them. Getting to hear about her trip and the new job she was applying for. Sometimes it made him wish he lived just a little bit closer to the city.

 

“Be safe heading back and make sure you call me as soon as you get home safe” Ben said grabbing Laura and hugging her.

 

“I will. I promise. I’ve gotta get going if I’m going to make it back before the snow starts up again. Love you Dad” Laura said giving him one final hug as she stepped out into the cold February air.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

“J? You home?” Laura called out into her friend’s apartment that she had been staying at. No one responded as Laura made her way further into the apartment. After shooting her dad a text she was home and safe she plopped down on the couch and turned it to the weather channel to see what updates there were on the storm.

 

Given it was still early in the day and they weren’t expecting anything crazy to hit until over night, Laura decided to shower and then head out to stock up on some necessities for being snowed in. She was kind of hoping her roommate would be back so she wasn’t stuck in the apartment by herself for god who knows how long.

 

Laura checked the current weather one last time before grabbing her list and bike and making her way out to the store. The snow coming down was light and was actually supposed to let up as the afternoon went on and would start to hit hard around midnight. That however didn’t stop the entire population of Brooklyn from being out and about. As Laura made her way down the street she passed the small alleyway that lead to the tree house Carmilla had taken her to on their date. She couldn’t help but smile. However it was a short-lived happiness when Laura remembered it had been nearly a week since she had even heard from Carmilla. She was starting to think Carmilla had taken the job in Europe and didn’t want to tell her.

 

She was so lost in her thoughts about Carmilla she hadn’t realized the sidewalk ahead of her was iced over. Last minute Laura steered the bike away from the ice block but instead hit another bit of ice on the curb. In that moment everything had turned into slow motion as she saw the car swerve away from the sidewalk and felt herself being thrown from her bike into the street. As her body hit the ground everything went blurry and the sounds around her disappeared as her eyes slowly closed and behind her eyelids, Carmilla’s face appeared.

* * *

 

 

_Laura had been sitting at a small round table waiting for the stranger from the football game to show up. They had agreed to meet at three after finals but it was pushing 3:30 and Laura was convinced she had been stood up when someone came rushing in the door._

_“I am so so so sorry I am late my professor decided it was necessary to give some ridiculous lecture about our thesis due next semester before giving us our finals as if we weren’t already stressed enough. Anyway the test ran over and I don’t have your phone number so I couldn’t let you know and now I am stress rambling which totally isn’t my thing I’m just… wow. Okay I’m gonna shut up now” Carmilla said as her cheeks reddened realizing she had just embarrassed herself._

_“Not gonna lie I though I had been stood up. But you’re off the hook. Professors suck. Now how about that coffee I owe you” Laura said smiling at the woman across form her earning a coy smile back._

_Before Laura knew it the sun had set and the student union was starting to close. Her and Carmilla had managed to talk their way into the evening._

_“Do you want to grab dinner with me tonight?” Carmilla asked as they start to pack up._

_“Like a date?” Laura said before she could keep the words from escaping her mouth._

_“Well I thought this was a date but if not then yes, a date”_

* * *

 

_Laura woke up opening one eye as she adjusted to the morning light turning over seeing her girlfriend still asleep next to her. She lay there watching Carmilla’s chest rise with each breath she took as she continued to dream. Laura began tracing shapes across her arms that caused Carmilla to stir._

_“Hmm morning baby” Carmilla grumbled_

_“Morning to you sleepy head” Laura said leaning over kissing her on the forehead._

_“Ya know, I know it’s only the first technical morning of us living together but I could definitely get use to waking up to your beautiful face”_

_“Hmm well its too bad this only until graduation huh?”_

_“It doesn’t have to be…” Carmilla said causing Laura to sit up and look at her questioningly._

_“What do you mean?” Laura asked hesitantly_

_“Well I took an apprenticeship at the MOMA and since you’ll be going to grad school in the city as well why don’t we just get a place together?”_

_“Carm, are you being serious right now?”_

_“As a heart attack my dear”_

_“We couldn’t afford that though, I mean I’ll be in school and who knows how much you’ll be making”_

_“Laura” Carmilla said before Laura could go off on a tangent._

_“What?”_

_“I have plenty of money saved to take care of us while you go through school”_

_“Wait, you do?”_

_“Yes as soon as I graduate I have a nicely sized trust fund waiting for me. My brother got one when he graduated too”_

_“Oh my god, Carm I couldn’t_”_

_“Ah ah ah, what’s mine is yours now cupcake”_

_“Carmilla, we aren’t married I could never let you do that”_

_“You’re not letting me Laura, I want to do this. I’m going to be in the city you’re going to be in the city, I love you and you love me. So lets move in together. For real.”_

_“Like for real for real?”_

_“Yes” Carmilla smiled at her girlfriend who was now beaming._

_Laura jumped across her side to the bed and kissed Carmilla pushing her back down on the bed. Carmilla moaned as Laura ground her hips down into Carmilla’s_

_“Hey keep it down some of us have finals in a couple hours” Carmilla’s roommate banged on the wall above their bed yelling at them._

_The two girls laughed as they lay together wrapped up in the sheets._

* * *

_“I can’t do this right now with you. This arguing thing you like to do when you’re irritated. I’m stressed too, Carmilla, and I have finals too. but you don’t see me starting fights with you over something petty.” Laura yelled across the apartment._

_“I wasn’t trying to start a fight with you I made one small comment-” Carmilla started._

_“One small snarky comment when you know I’m on edge right now and it doesn’t help that like ten people are living in this tiny apartment.” Laura yelled back. “You know what I’m gonna so stay with my dad for the rest of the week. I’ll be back to take my finals I need to get out of here,” Laura said in a calmer voice._

_“Laura-”_

_“No, Carm. Just…I’ll call you tonight before I go to bed okay. I need a few days of quiet to study and there just too much going on here” Laura said grabbing her backpack and leaving Carmilla standing in the living room of her apartment._

* * *

 

_“Carm” Laura said quietly looking over to her girlfriend across the empty apartment they were looking at. Carmilla made her way over to Laura who was standing looking out the windows that lined the dining room wall._

_“Yes love?” Carmilla replied wrapping her arms around the smaller woman._

_“This is it” Laura responded leaning her head back against Carmilla’s shoulder._

_“You sure?”_

_“Absolutely, lets get it”_

_“Okay we’ll get it. Some view huh?” Carmilla asked looking out across the river to the Manhattan skyline._

_Laura turned around in Carmilla’s arms looking up at her girlfriend. “Yeah it is”_

* * *

 

_“Honey I’m home” Carmilla yelled through their apartment._

_Laura came running down the hall from their room and jumped into Carmilla’s arms squealing from excitement._

_“Well someone is excited to see me” Carmilla said kissing Laura before putting her down._

_“I’m always excited to see you. How was your first day as the big boss lady at your new gallery?”_

_“Stressful but worth it. How was class today?”_

_“It was good. I’m already over this year though. I thought first year grad school was bad but I don’t like any of my instructors this semester” Laura pouted sitting down on the couch next to Carmilla._

_“It’ll fly by and soon enough you’ll be teaching students who hate you yourself”_

_Laura smiled at her and leaned into her sighing._

_“That makes me feel much better, Carm.” Laura said sarcastically. “You know as long as I get to be here when you come home everyday I don’t care how crappy this semester goes.”_

_“The feeling is mutual, my love”_

* * *

 

_Laura drug her feet down the hall to her apartment after a long day of finals before the holidays. She couldn’t remember the last time she had such a stressful day. She opened the door to the apartment and was met with the lights turned down and a path of candles and flower petals leading down the hall to their room. Laura dropped her bags and hung her coat before following the path before her. She opened the bedroom door that was slightly cracked. There on the bed sat Carmilla, wearing suit pants and white button up shirt both clearly tailored making her look absolutely stunning. Candles and a small bedside lamp lighted the room. In Carmilla’s hands she held a book. She looked up at Laura who stood in the doorway and began to read as she got up from the bed._

_"I have for the first time found what I can truly love–I have found you. You are my sympathy–my better self–my good angel–I am bound to you with a strong attachment. I think you good, gifted, lovely: a fervent, a solemn passion is conceived in my heart; it leans to you, draws you to my centre and spring of life, wrap my existence about you–and, kindling in pure, powerful flame, fuses you and me in one.” Carmilla finished the passage now standing before Laura._

_“Jane Eyre” Laura said just above a whisper._

_Carmilla smiled more with her eyes than her lips and nodded._

_“I knew I wanted to do this months ago but I wasn’t sure it was the right time and today you sent me a text about how terrible the day was going and I was thinking of all things I could do to cheer you up and then my phone sent me a notification that on this very day two years ago we met. And so I just thought what am I waiting for, so I left the office early and now I am here on bended knee with a very important question” Carmilla kneeled down looking up at Laura._

_“Laura my love, will you do me the honor… of cooking dinner with me?”_

_Laura’s face immediately changed to disbelief before giving Carmilla’s shoulder a shove as Carmilla continued to laugh._

_“You are such a-“ Laura stopped midsentence as Carmilla pulled a small box from her pocket once against causing Laura’s expression to turn into disbelief._

_“Laura, will you marry me?’ Carmilla finally asked._

_Laura covered her mouth with her hand as tears slowly escaped and flowed down her face. She nodded unable to articulate at the moment._

_“Yes?” Carmilla asked pulling her fiancée closer._

_“Yes” Laura answered pulling Carmilla in for a kiss._

_Carmilla pulled away and looked down at Laura. “So about dinner…”_

_Laura laughed and kissed Carmilla again before dragging her down the hall to start dinner._

_“Nice suit by the way”_

_“Figured you wouldn’t say no if I wore it, I mean I look irresistible”_

_Laura gave Carmilla playful shove as they both laughed._

* * *

 

_“Do you think we can really do this?”_

_“Raise a child?” Carmilla asked back sighed and rubbing her eyes._

_“I mean they appointed us legal guardians I couldn’t just hand him over to the state, they wouldn’t have wanted that”_

_“Of course not I just… Most people plan having kids and prepare this kind just…”_

_“Happened?’” Laura finished._

_“Yeah, I don’t know the first thing about being a parent but he’s our now…. so we’ve have to figure this out together” Carmilla looked over to the small boy who was stirring in the playpen._

_Laura walked over and picked him up._

_“Hey little guy you hungry?”_

_Alex nodded his head and then reached his arms out for Carmilla. Laura smiled at the gesture and handed him to Carmilla who took him into her lap. The small boy snuggled himself into her closing his eyes again. Carmilla placed a kiss on his head and looked over at Laura who was looking for something to make for him. Laura looked back over at her wife holding the boy who looked like he had fallen back asleep._

_“I love you” Laura whispered._

_“I love you too”_

_“We’ll figure it out”_

_Carmilla nodded her head and watched Laura start to prepare dinner as she held a sleeping Alex in her arms._

* * *

_“Hey baby” Laura said answering her phone as she left the university driving home._

_“Hey you headed home soon?”_

_“On my way now, are you taking care of dinner tonight?”_

_“Already went to the grocery store and about to start now. I also got your favorite red wine and a movie”_

_“Sounds perfect I will be home soon”_

_“See you then, cupcake”_

_“Carm” Laura said lowly through the phone._

_“Yeah. Sweetheart?”_

_“I love you”_

_“I love you, too”_

_Laura hung up and set her phone back in her purse. She looked up as the light changed from red to green. A driver coming from the left side of the intersection hadn’t seen the light change and before Laura could steer away the car hit her  knocking her unconscious._

* * *

 

 

Laura could hear people talking and the sound of machines beeping but she couldn’t will her eyes to open.

 

"The EMT's said she was in and out in the rig. No visible trauma but witnesses said it looked like she hit her head pretty hard and it looked like she was thrown a few feet from the wreck. 

 

“Carm” she croaked out.

 

“She's awake. Laura can you open your eyes for me?” a voice said. Laura could tell it wasn’t Carmilla's but she didn’t know who it was.

 

“Carmilla” Laura said again.

 

“Lets get her up to radiology and get an x-ray and CT done she doesn’t look too bad but lets cover our bases and then get her settled into a room. Has anyone been able to get ahold of her wife?” one of the voices said. Laura thought it sounded closer this time but she still couldn’t open her eyes.

 

“I’ll get one of the nurses to call again right away. It's been going straight to voicemail so far but we will keep calling.”

 

“Laura can you hear me” The doctor asked again. 

 

“Yeah” She said breathlessly before she lost consciousness again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment with your thoughts?


	13. And I and Love And You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter so soon? Ahh the end must be near... Thank you all for all the lovely comments on yesterdays chapter it really made me feel a lot better and also helped me get this one done. Its a normal sized chapter that will be followed up with an epilogue sometime in the next week hopefully. Song for this chapter is so obviously "and i and love and you" by the avett brothers. give it a listen if youd like. Comments and kudos are also encouraged!! 
> 
> -Tam

When Laura woke up again she could hear the steady beeping of machines and the TV in the background. The lights in the hospital room were dimmed and the hallways sounded quiet. She moved her hand to grab the remote to call the nurse when her hand met a head of hair resting on the side of her bed. She ran her fingers through Carmilla’s hair slowly waking her.

 

“Oh my god, you’re awake. Are you okay.”? Carmilla said sitting up further in her chair now holding Laura’s hand. Laura nodded and asked for water.

 

“I’m going to get the nurse I’ll be right back okay” Carmilla handed Laura a paper cup full of water and walked out of the room.

 

When she returned she was on the phone and both a nurse and doctor were with her. By the way Carmilla was talking she could tell that she was on the phone with her dad.

 

“How are you feeling Ms. Hollis?” The doctor asked.

“Karnstein” Laura said trying not to speak too loud.

 

“I’m sorry?” Her Doctor asked.

 

“Karnstein-Hollis” Laura said again.

 

“Oh I’m so sorry”

 

“Its okay. I feel fine my head just hurts” Laura continued slowly her throat still very dry.

 

“Well you have a mild concussion so that’s expected but we are going to monitor you for the night and if all goes well you can go home tomorrow. Your neurologist wants to run some test given your history just to make sure everything is okay but other than that you should be good to go by tomorrow afternoon,” The doctor explained while the nurse brought in some food for Laura to eat.

* * *

 

Carmilla sat in the lounge chair next to Laura’s bed watching the TV as Laura ate. She was a little concerned that Carmilla hadn’t spoken too much since she had woken up. She had so many questions like how long was she out? How did Carmilla get here so fast? After she finished eating she laid back against the bed thinking about all of the things she had dreamed about while she was unconscious. They weren’t really dreams at all though. Each was a memory, memories about her and Carmilla she hadn’t managed to remember through her recovery. When Laura finally pushed the tray away Carmilla leaned back onto her bed looking up at her.

 

Laura placed her hand on the side of Carmilla’s face. How had she managed to once again end up in a hospital bed.

 

                                                      

 “Do you know how important it is to wear a helmet when riding a bike?” Carmilla asked.

 

“I was just going down the street to the grocery store I didn’t think…” Laura stopped and sighed.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah just tired, I wasn’t out long was I?”

 

“No the EMT’s said you had been in and out on the way here and that you had gained consciousness for a few minutes after they triaged you. You’ve been out for about 4 or 5 hours since then. They want to run some tests tomorrow to make sure everything is okay with your memory”

 

“I’m fine. I promise. How did you get here, were you in New York? Why didn’t you tell me?” Laura was starting to get a little aggravated.

 

“Hey hey calm down I was on a flight back. I was only a couple hours from landing when they brought you in. I came straight here from the airport. I wanted to surprise you tonight. I thought I’d be back in time before the storm hit and we could spend the weekend in together.

 

“I’m sorry, Carm”

 

“No need to apologize. I’m just glad you’re okay. You don’t know what getting calls about you being in the hospital does to me”

 

“Carmilla.” Laura said in a voice that she could barely hear looking down at her hands in her lap.

 

“Yeah, baby?”

 

“I… um.” Laura looked up and made eye contact with her wife. She knew exactly what she wanted to say but she couldn’t. “ I’m really glad you were here when I woke up.”

 

“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” Carmilla yawned.

 

“What time is it?”

 

“Almost three a.m.”

 

“Why don’t you climb up here so we can get some sleep.” Laura offered.

 

Carmilla climbed up next to her wife placing her arms around Laura pulling her closer so she could rest her head on Carmilla’s chest. Before she could get too comfortable, Laura pulled back and looked up and her wife.

 

“What’s wrong?” Carmilla furrowed her eyebrows and looked down at Laura.

 

“I love you”

 

Carmilla pulled away from Laura looking at her letting the words play in her head. She could feel tears brimming at her eyes. “What?” she croaked out trying not to cry.

 

“I love you, Carmilla. I know that you’ve said it to me a million and one times since we lost Alex and even before the accident I was so resentful and I shouldn’t have been and then the past few months I just… I love you and it’s silly that it took me bumping my head to remember just how much I do, but I don’t ever want to wake up in the morning and you not be there and when I come home at night I want it to be to you even if that means I have to move to some foreign country, I love you and it would be really great if you could do that thing where you interrupt one of my rants right now.”

 

Carmilla grabbed Laura’s head and pulled her in kissing her softly like she was trying to savor the moment. Laura pulled back a little and wiped the tears from her wife’s face. “Say something please” she pleaded

 

“Say it again”

 

Laura chuckled and pulled Carmilla back in closer to her. “I love you, Carmilla Karnstein-Hollis”

 

“I love you, too” Carmilla finally said kissing Laura’s forehead. Laura leaned back into Carmilla’s chest closing her eyes as they both finally fell asleep.

 

 

* * *

 

 

After a few hours of tests and doctors in and out of Laura’s hospital room they were finally able to head home. One long subway ride, trekking through two blocks of snow and a climb up a few flights of stairs Laura and Carmilla finally had made it to their apartment. Last Laura has remembered, Carmilla had nearly cleaned out the apartment but there sat a queen size mattress with linens in the middle of the living room and two bags lying next to the bed.

 

“Weird seeing this place so empty” Laura said taking her coat off and laying it on the kitchen counter.

 

“Yeah I asked Will to come over and bring down the mattress for us before the storm got bad last night.”

 

“And where did he get a bad of my clothes?” Laura asked.

 

“I also called Julie and asked her to drop some stuff off if she had the time. Will kept my bag when he picked me up from the airport and also grabbed some groceries and candles for us since the brunt of the storm is suppose to hit tonight. I thought about just getting a hotel room but anything half decent was entirely booked so we will have to make due” Carmilla explained while making up the bed.

 

“As long as there’s food and somewhere warm to sleep I think we will be okay. I’m gonna go put a few layers of pajamas on”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

When Laura returned Carmilla had made a few sandwiches for them and lit a few candles since the power was still out.

 

“I don’t know about you but I figured we could eat and then maybe turn in? I know its still early but after a nine hour flight and only a couple hours of sleep in a hospital I am pretty wiped out”

 

“I am pretty exhausted too. My head it starting to hurt again.”

 

“Come lay down with me, baby”

 

Laura grabbed her plate and sat down on the bed with Carmilla.

 

“Okay now you’re getting crumbs on the bed” Carmilla complained.

 

“You said to come lay down” Laura said with her mouth full.

 

“Oh my god you’re just like a child. Chew with your mouth closed!” Carmilla laughed brushing the crumbs off of the bed. Laura placed the plate down and laid down pulling the blankets over her snuggling in closer to her wife.

 

“Hmm this is much nicer than a hospital bed”

 

“Yeah lets try to stay out of any hospital beds for awhile” Carmilla said taking her hand and tapping her finger on Laura’s nose causing Laura to scrunch her face up before leaning in closer resting her head under Carmilla’s.

 

“You’re very warm. Hmm” Laura mumbled into Carmilla’s chest.

 

“Go to sleep blanket hog”

 

“Hey I am not a blanket hog”

 

“Oh yes you are. I always wake up with you wrapped up in the duvet on the other side of the bed and I have to fight you for my share of the blanket back. I will bet you I wake up in the middle of the night with no covers”

 

“I will take that bet because I am not a blanket hog. However I will probably end up waking up in the middle of the night from you snoring so loud”

 

“Whoa now. I do not snore. If anyone snores its you and it’s loud,” Carmilla argued back.

 

Laura lay there with an offended look on her face while Carmilla just looked at her smugly.

 

“I don’t hog blankets or snore now you can sleep on that side of the bed by yourself” Laura turned over facing away from Carmilla leaving space between them in the bed.

 

“Oh no you don’t get to go and pout over there. I have waited way too long to get to hold you again.”

 

‘Too bad for you” Laura replied with her back still turned to Carmilla.

 

Carmilla reached over and started to tickle her wife causing Laura to squeal and try to move away from Carmilla’s reach.

 

“Carm stop stop!” Laura tried to plead over her giggling.

 

“Only if you come back to me”

 

Laura grabbed her wife’s wrists pulling them behind her as she made her way back to the middle of the bed. Carmilla pulled her arms from Laura’s grasp and instead pulled her in closer so that she was cuddled into her.

 

“I’ll always come back to you” Laura said placing a chaste kiss on her wife’s lips.

 

“What wrong Carm?” she asked after seeing her wife’s sad face.

 

“It’s nothing sweetheart”

 

“Carm… tell me,” Laura said pointedly.

 

“It’s silly don’t worry about it”

 

“With a face like that I’m gonna worry”

 

“I’m just scared I guess. That I’m going to wake up and none of this is real. I mean there was a point where I thought I had lost you for good. That we would never work any of this out and then over time we just made our way back to each other and it seems like a fairytale you hit your head again and all these things about us just came back. I’m just terrified that I’m taking this happiness for granted cause I’m gonna open my eyes and it’ll all be gone” Carmilla was avoiding eye contact now with Laura who reached up to bring her back.

 

“Carmilla, I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here you have nothing to worry about I promise.”

 

Carmilla nodded her head and closed her eyes taking a deep breath trying to calm her fears. If she really had everything back she didn’t want to take any chances of losing it again.

 

“We should buy a house,” Laura said after minutes of silence had past on.

 

“What?” Carmilla replied a little shocked.

 

“We should buy a house. Closer to Emily and Will, we could be closer to Drew and the new baby and we’d have more room for a bigger family.”

 

“A bigger family?”

 

“Yeah you know a dog or two… and kids” Laura trailed off.

 

“Hmm that sounds like a lot of adult like responsibilities I don’t want to be thinking about while I’m cuddled up in a bed in the middle of an empty apartment with my wife during a snow storm. Lets talk about this more tomorrow I’m much too tired to think about dogs or kids or a mortgage.”

 

“You promise?”

 

“I promise Laura. If you want a house and dogs and even kids we can have all of it but let’s start tomorrow.” Carmilla groaned sleepily hiding her head under the duvet.

 

“Alright you big baby, get some sleep”

 

 

 

* * *

 

Carmilla woke up early the next morning leaving Laura to sleep in the bed on her own. She sat and watched the snowfall for a while before hearing the generator finally come on. Deciding to take advantage of having power again, Carmilla decided she would cook breakfast for the two of them. She put on her shoes and coat and left to make her way to the corner store before her wife woke up.

 

When Carmilla returned Laura was still fast asleep and thankfully the power was still on. She started breakfast as quietly as possible, not to wake Laura too early. Today was going to prove to be an interesting day. Not only had Laura brought up some pretty serious things last night but they had yet to talk about why Carmilla was in New York. Carmilla had originally planned to grab dinner and surprise Laura with her new after she landed. Now it’d be a discussion amongst many other topics that she wasn’t sure she was ready for. Buying a house? Sure that was logical given that she wanted to sell the apartment anyway. But kids were already a sensitive subject. She wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to go down that road again.

 

“What are you doing up” Laura said in a voice that could have been mistaken for sleep talking.

 

“Making us breakfast now that we have power again.” Carmilla retorted to a half asleep Laura still wrapped up in sheets and blankets.

 

“Come back to bed it’s cold” Laura grumbled.

 

“I’m almost done with breakfast and then we can eat in bed. I was actually thinking if the snow lets up maybe we could go and see Drew today. I know he misses you already.”

 

“Too cold” Laura grumbled again still clearly not fully awake.

 

“Okay grumpy. We can discuss it later but breakfast is done so wake up”

 

Laura reluctantly sat up and grabbed the plate Carmilla offered her. They ate silently together before Carmilla gathered their plates and place them in the sink. Laura was quick to pull the duvet back up to her head and attempt to fall asleep.

 

* * *

 

While her wife napped Carmilla made a few calls. Some personal, some for work and before climbing back into bed herself; she gave her father in-law a call as well. They had spoken shortly after Carmilla had found out about Laura. The storm however prevented him from making the drive into the city. She had updated him again when Laura woke up and after she was discharged but hadn’t spoken with him in much detail about what had happened after Laura had finally woken up.

 

“Hey Ben”

 

“Hey kid, how’s she doing?”

  
“Good actually, really good. She’s napping right now.”

 

“Well have her call me once she’s awake and coherent.”

 

“I most definitely will. I uh, I actually called you cause I wanted to talk to you about something”

 

“Shoot”

 

“Well we spoke about her getting a good bit of her memory back after this concussion, which is only a good thing, but last night she mentioned something’s and before I wouldn’t have been so frightened by the idea. I mean we’ve been married for years now but she brought up buying a house a kids and honestly I kinda of felt like I couldn’t breathe. I want all those things with her but do you think us jumping into those things right now is right for us?”

 

“You know better than anyone how headstrong Laura is. I think that with her memory recovery and everything you two have been through she just finally wants what you both have wanted all along. She probably feels like she’s already lost time she can’t get back and she thinks she’s ready to get back to where she left off in a sense. And besides who is ever actually ready for kids when they have them? Take a deep breath and think of how much you two love each other and I think you’ll find jumping into things doesn’t seem so scary when you have one another.”

 

Carmilla took a deep breath after Ben had stopped talking and looked over at her sleeping wife. She knew he was right and maybe it was just that fear of waking up and none of this being real nagging at the back of her head, but when is there ever really a right time to do things.

 

“You always know what to say” Carmilla laughed into the phone.

 

“Well kid that’s why I am the Dad and hopefully soon the grandfather, yeah?” Ben joked and Carmilla felt herself genuinely laugh back.

 

“Tell my daughter to give me a call when she gets a chance and hopefully after the snow lets up I can make my way up there for a weekend”

 

“Sounds like a plan. Thank you, ben”

 

“Anytime.”

 

* * *

 

 

Laura woke back up around noon with he wife’s arms wrapped around her. She turned over to look at Carmilla sleeping but the motion woke Carmilla up.

 

“Hmm well good morning beautiful.” Carmilla said while yawning.

 

“Carm I’m pretty sure its not morning anymore.”

 

“Well someone didn’t want to get up when it was still morning so whose fault is that?”

 

“I don’t see you complaining about being in bed with me still”

 

“I definitely am not complaining, in fact we should just go back to sleep and pretend today didn’t happen”

 

“Hmm if only, too bad I am wide awake now.”

 

“Fine have it your way I’ll get up” Carmilla motioned to get out of bed but was pulled back down.

 

“I didn’t say we had to get up, you just need to wake up”

 

“And why is that exactly?”

 

“Because I have some very serious questions to ask you.”

 

With that Carmilla finally perked up and made sure to show Laura that she had her undivided attention.

 

“What happened with your job?”

 

“Straight to the point I see” Carmilla tried to joke but Laura immediately scolded her.” I made a deal with my boss. A little unorthodox, but I wanted to be here in New York and he was willing to work with me no matter what to at least keep me on in some way. So we agreed that I would return here to continue to manage my gallery but that I would agree to let him take me on as a partner.”

 

“Carm that’s great, I mean that’s perfect!” Laura said excitedly.

 

“Yeah it worked out really nicely. Now I can be here doing what I was doing before but the channel for the exchange of art and artists will be open so I can help some of the students get internships abroad and even get to hire on students from around the world.”

 

“I don’t even know what else to say I’m so happy for you.”

 

“Thanks cupcake. I didn’t think he would go for it honestly but he was pretty excited about the idea and I really wanted to get back here and surprise you but I guess life had other ideas.” Carmilla’s voice faulted a little at the end. It really had shaken her up getting yet another call that Laura was in the hospital.

 

“So do you just go back to work like normal next week or?”

 

“Kind of. There’s a lot of paper work that has to be done first and I will probably have to fly back and forth a few times before its all settled but once everything is put in motion it shouldn’t be too long of a process. Don’t worry your pretty little had we have plenty of time to go house hunting before I have to be back at work.”

 

“Wait you really want to go and do that?” Laura asked a little surprised.

 

“Did you not?”

 

“No of course but I just figured you’d probably want to discuss it and then we’d come to some agreement that it’s too soon after everything that’s happened and-“

 

Carmilla leaned forward and kissed Laura before she could continue to ramble on.

 

“I want to do this with you I think we’ve been ready for a long time and we just let life get in the way.”

 

“So we can start looking today?” Laura quipped.

 

“Always the eager one you are. Yes we can call an agent today and get started looking.”

 

Laura jumped up into Carmilla’s lap peppering kisses all over her face.

 

“Oh your father said to call him when you get a chance so while I’m on the phone finding a relator you should probably let your father know you’re okay”

 

“Right my Dad. Everything has been so crazy. Thank you for keeping him updated.”

 

“My wifely duties, dear.”

 

“I love you, Carmilla”

 

“I love you, too. Now go call your father and I’ll start making come calls too.

 

* * *

 

They had been looking at houses everyday for almost a week and Laura still hadn’t decided on one. The bathrooms were too small or it was in a bad location or the neighbors seemed like assholes. Carmilla started to think they weren’t going to find anything to their liking, or well, Laura’s liking.

 

“Definitely not this one Laura said for what felt like the millionth time.”

 

“Baby we have got to pick something. Sleeping on a mattress in the middle of an empty apartment is starting to get really old”

 

“I know but I just want it to be right. I mean this is the house we are going to raise our kids in and grow old in I want to make sure we make the right choice” Laura pleaded her case knowing Carmilla’s patience was wearing thin.

 

“Fine we have one more today and then we are going to have to wait a few weeks before we look again because I have to fly back to Paris for a few days.”

 

“Agggh” Laura groaned and followed Carmilla out of the house.

 

 

Carmilla figured if this was how she felt she couldn’t imagine how their relator had felt. The drive to the last house was short and just a neighborhood over from Will and Emily’s house. At least Laura couldn’t complain about the location of this one she thought to herself as they got out of the car.

 

* * *

 

At first Carmilla didn’t quite like the idea of moving out of the city. The suburbs seemed like a place she would never want to find herself but here she was standing in front of a house with a cliché white picket fence and long drive way. The outside of the house was gorgeous. Brick with blue and white panels and shutters. She started to feel a little hopeful when Laura’s first thoughts of the inside consisted of a ‘wow’ and ‘oh my’.

 

They had made their way through a beautiful kitchen, large dining room, and an even bigger living room. There was a den and an office down stairs and then four rooms upstairs with a loft area as well. It was huge and absolutely beautiful on the inside. Carmilla hadn’t really cared much about the houses they had been looking at as long as Laura was happy but she found herself actually taking a liking to this one.

 

“Laura?” Carmilla called walking back up the stairs to find her wife.

 

“I’m in here” She heard her call.

 

“What do you think?” Carmilla asked apprehensively.

 

“I think it’s gorgeous, and spacious and it’s in the area we really wanted”

 

“So is that a yes?” Carmilla braced herself for a list of reasons why it was no.

 

Laura let the question hang in the air as she took a moment to really think.

 

“Yeah I think we should put an offer on it”

 

“Wait did you just say yes to a house?” Carmilla deadpanned.

 

“Yes I did”

 

“Praise the gods Laura Karnstein-Hollis made a decision” Carmilla said falling to her knees as dramatically as possible.

 

“Oh shut up I haven’t been that bad”

 

“No you’ve been terrible I thought I was going to have to share a mattress in an empty apartment with two dogs and our kids”

 

“You’re a drama queen.” Laura said pulling Carmilla into her kissing her softly and then let go. “Lets go put an offer on this house and make it ours.”

 

“Lead the way my queen” Carmilla said with an accent as Laura pulled her out of the room and down the hall.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Carmilla had spent the better part of the following week in Paris and dealing with paperwork for the house while over the phone with Laura. For the first time since things had finally started to settle back into their old ways Laura and Carmilla had gotten into an argument. Carmilla however was thankful for it. Any married couple that didn’t get into an argument of some kind over something this stressful was probably living a miracle. When Carmilla had finally gotten back stateside they closed the deal on the house and were finally able to start the moving process.

 

“I am so glad we hired movers,” Laura said plopping down on the couch in their new home.

 

“Me too” said Drew who was sitting next to her reading a book.

 

“Smart move on our part huh kid?”

 

“I just didn’t want to have to carry any of those heavy boxes,” Drew explained putting his book down and scooting closer to his aunt.

 

“Its too bad, we fully support child labor around here” Carmilla joked coming into the room and sitting on the other side of her nephew.

 

“Aunt Carm when can I have another sleep over?”

 

“Maybe next weekend if your mom and dad say yes. We have to finish moving everything in before we start making messes kiddo”

 

“Okay I’ll go ask them right now!” Drew said jumping off the couch and running upstairs where Will and Emily were helping the movers organize boxes.

 

“Always so spritely”

 

“Yea but that’s why you love him” Laura replied and laid her head in Carmilla’s lap.

 

“So we can check buying a house off of our things to do as an adult list. Now we just have to agree on what kind of dog to get”

 

“Or we could skip this dog for now, and I don’t know, maybe try having a baby?” Laura looked up at Carmilla unsure of her response. They hadn’t discussed anything other than the house after their initial decision. Laura knew that kids were a subject they had only danced around since Alex.

 

“Okay, Lets do it, lets have a baby…. but you got the first one.”

 

“Deal” Laura replied pulling her wife’s head down to kiss her.

 

“You think we can really do all this?” Carmilla asked looking around to the half empty house.

 

“I think as long as we have each other we can do it. We’ve already been through so much I don’t want to miss any opportunities we have to make a happy life for ourselves.”

 

“I still feel like I’m gonna wake up and have dreamed all of this up.”

 

“I understand that. It still worries me I’m going to wake up and forget everything I’ve worked so hard to remember. There are still so many gray areas that I cant seem to get back, but it just makes me want to hold you a little closer at night and I remember that I couldn’t have ever gotten this far without you.”

 

“I love you, Laura.“ Carmilla responded with adoration.

 

Laura leaned up and placed kissed on her wife’s face. “And” kiss “I” kiss” Love” kiss” you”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment? Question?


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